Wives: A Users Guide

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I don't want to interrupt her" - Rodney Dangerfield.

You need this guide

Just The Facts

  1. An occasional lucky guess as to what makes a wife tick is the best a man can hope for, Even then, no sooner has he learned how to cope with the tick than she tocks. - Ogden Nash
  2. Dealling with a wife requires patience, tact, thoughtfulness and bribery.
  3. Look around, is she there? If so memorise this URL and return later.

Congratulations on your new Wife

Congratulations on your new wife. We here at Cracked wish you to get many years service from your unit. We assume, as a savvy shopper, that you have taken advantage of the free trial offer before your purchase, and can be confident that your new wife will fit in with your lifestyle.

As disposing of a defective model and replacing it with a new one can prove both expensive and time consuming, we recommend you study this guide thoroughly to master the essentials of your new wife.

Top 10 Mistakes in Using Your Wife

10 Leaving the seat up

We know - why should you bother, she has hands. Consider it a small show of consideration that costs you nothing. While we are on the topic - practice your aim.

9 Failing to help out

Take the trash out. Wash the dishes. For bonus points, do them without being asked once in a while. Your home life will be slightly more peaceful.

8 Being indecisive

Wives are always right. They will blame you for bad choices anyway, even if they make all the decisions, so you may as well make a few yourself.

7 Not listening

Wives do not have an off switch. They talk constantly. To check that you are listening, they will drop something intelligent amongst the usual inane shit. Respond to that. Or else.

6 Mumbling

A grunt is not an answer. Ever. "Fuck you" is also not recommended.

5 Not being romantic

Romantic behaviour helps maintain your wife. Each wife has her own unique ideas as to what is romantic, so trial and error is your only friend here. Expect mainly errors for the first 40 years.

4 Confuse sex with love

Men want, need and crave sex. Wives want love. Fake it by staying awake and cuddling for a few minutes afterwards. Your sex life will thank you. Oh - and FYI, superstud, foreplay is not two nipple tweaks and saying "Ready?"

3 Being a wimp

Wives need their man to be brave, and to keep his shit together when it all hits the fan. She'll not leave you if you aren't, but all respect goes out the window.

2 Forgetting her birthday

Seriously - just shoot yourself. It is less painful and over much more quickly.

1 Screwing around

Need we say more? It is number one for a reason. Just don't, even though by following this guide, and being married, you will automatically become a babe magnet.

Wife Maintainence Tips

The importance of maintainance of your wife cannot be overstressed. Please remember our corporate motto: "A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life".

Wives are creatures of habit. As long as their absolute dominion over family, finances, careers, holidays and the home is unchallenged by word or gesture, you should get no more than the occaisional sparking from your unit. This sparking is a normal part of the berserk mode test routines and is wiser to ignore.

A Wife needs regular exercise:

We actually meant housework

Sadly, housework doesn't count. A regular program of walks, along the most exclusive shopping street in your area, will be beneficial in maintaining your wife. Doing this after 8pm will be beneficial for your wallet.

A Wife requires toys:

The more expensive they are, the happier she will be

A new iron just doesn't cut it in the toy stakes. A new nose, or a new rack, can be enjoyed by both of you.

A Wife requires attention:

If she does not get it from you, she will find it elsewhere.

You must pay attention to your wife. A wife who is ignored will be unhappy, and will show it by many subtle signs, from throwing your dinner over you to going out partying for 6 weeks. The simplest way of showing you are paying her attention is to compliment her. Tell her she is wonderful, tell her she is a terrific cook, tell her she is beautiful. Just keep a straight face.

A Wife requires regular service intervals:

Once a week is normally sufficient