Kidz Bop

Kidz Bop is a line of Cd's that takes popular music and ruins it. For people who don't even like pop music it's the musical equivalent to opening that box from Hellraiser

Exactly

Just The Facts

  1. There have been sixteen of these fucking albums made
  2. That is sixteen too many
  3. It is proof that the best way to make something worse is to add kids to the equation
  4. Listening will actually cause physical pain

Modus Operandi

The way that kidz bop works is simple really, take the most popular songs of the day, then get some kids to yell the lyrics. There's sometimes one adult who does kind of a call out to the kids who then finish the line. As anyone who has children (or has observed them in public) knows, their voices are annoying, and getting more than one to talk (or "sing") at once reminds one of the sound a vacuum cleaner makes when you run over your cat, IE, chaos. But the commercials for the product make it out to seem like the kids are all singing prodigies so parents buy the CD, and in a perfect world throw it out the second the screaming ensues though this doesn't seem to be the case as the reported sales are somewhere in the area of eleven million eardrum blistering copies sold.

Bad songs get worse

This one's simple to explain, they covered Nickelback seven times�¢ï¿½�¦ and yes, every single one is worse than the original. Which has got to count for something, they made Nickelback worse...

Censorship

Since the whole idea behind Kidz Bop is that it's for kids, and some (ok, most) pop songs aren't written for children some of the most hilarious censorship in the history of music occurs on these albums.

For example they covered "Let it Rock" by Kevin Rudolph Ft. Lil Wayne and not only took out Wayne's entire part but took the line,

"But it broke his heart
So he stuck his middle finger
To the world"

and turned it into...

"But it broke his heart
so he took his hand and waved it

To the world!"

We're not sure if that's actually better, it kind of sounds like the guy's committing suicide rather than telling the world to fuck off�¢ï¿½�¦

And for some reason even when there's not anything offensive in rap parts in songs they still take them out entirely, we can't figure out if that's because no one, not even the record company wants to hear those little shits try to rap or if it's just overt racism.

But the scariest part is...

Think about this, there's a company out there that controls an army of kids, sure all they're doing is butchering songs right now, but what if some high powered CEO decides he's ready to own his own country, but finds that none are for sale? All it takes is a little creative wording in a contract (you know the parents don't actually read those when they sign them) and you've got yourself a militia full of screaming kids who are just waiting to fuck your day right up. Kind of like how the Disney channel started out.

Speaking of which...

The Kidz Bop Kidz, which is apparently what the kids in Kidz Bop like to be called, have covered four seperate Hannah Montanna Songs, which is like choosing whether you want your junk ripped off or crushed because either way, you're losing that one. But anyway, not only have they covered Ms. Disney Chanel about four too many times, they've also covered the Jonas Brothers and Hillary Duff three times each, and while Hillary Duff hasn't done anything that we can remember since that CD or whatever, she's still pretty much a Disney girl. The only way they could be more obvious about their intention to merge into the ever expanding mass rivaling Cthuhlu himself is if they covered songs from High School Musical...

But that's what their website is for. Hundreds of videos of kids badly lip syncing or, god forbid, actually singing along to their favorite High School Musical songs. (We can only hope) all of whom aren't even old enough to be in high school, believe us when we say that a Kidz Bop and Disney merger is a scarier prospect than anything Lovecraft could have even thought of.

Kinda like that