Jesus Christ

This dude popped out of a virgin 2000 years ago. He changed the cause of history, and to this day, is responsible for the mad tainted minds of the evangelicals and George w Bush. We are still waiting for his return.

Just The Facts

  1. His mother was a virgin
  2. He died on a big wodden cross
  3. No one understands his words more than king James (apparently)

The Freak Birth

One day, God was up in his clouds, creating politicians or whatever give him a cheap laugh, and he thought having a kid would be realy, realy cool. He looked down over the clouds and spotted a woman by the name of Mary, and thought to himself, "yea, she deffinetly has something, she will have my child, LIKE IT OR NOT!!

Featured Image

Mary's husband Joseph was supprisingly fine with this, becuase he though, "Wicked coool! im goin to be the farther of the son of God!" Sadly, he was never rememberd in history of being "The farther", but more of, well, that guy that taught him how to do cool shit with wood.

The country then was also believed to be in a very bad recession, and everyone had to pay more taxes. so Mary and Joseph had to walk to pay ridicules taxes, while 9 months pregnant, to keep the bankers rich and happy. While loosing all their money to the pleasant bankers, they had to spend their night in a shitty stable because no one would have a nine month pregnant virgin to stay over theirs. People was very rude 2,000 years ago.

A few miles away, three smart arses stopped creating there awesome cars and planes and decided to aimlessly follow an awesomely bright star in the sky for no apparent reason (followed by a swarm of moths) When they arrived at the stable and witnessed a baby crying and rolling around in animal shit and bucket loads of virginal blood, they thought, "This kid has style! We must worship this kid! Let's give him a fuck load of expensive gifts that we carry around with us for no reason at all! Fuck we're smart!"

The smart dip-shits gave the kid gold, frankinsece and merr, which has the current value of $100,000,000 written on a novelty check, delivered by 12 Russian hookers clean of STD's and communist tendencies. It isn't written anywhere what happened with these gifts, but we reckon that Joseph spent $50,000,000 on cocaine, $50,000,000 on blackjack, and a night in a hotel with 12 Russian hookers to help him get over the fact that his wife cheated on him with his creator. Poor guy.

Jesus: 14 - 30

This is another blank era of his life, we recon that joseph lost him in wal-mart or something...

Jesus: The Final Years

After many years at the circus, Jesus returned and wanted to show everyone some cool tricks. He was better than ever! He left as nothing more than a carpenter, and now he can walk on water, feed a fuck load of people shit food with basically nothing, and piss off a lot of restraints by turning free water into house wine, what a dude! This got him very popular with many people, and it didn't take him long to get a group of twelve homies and a token hooker for sexual pleasures, to follow him everywere to listen to his every word (remember, this was a time before twitter, a long, long time ago). Everything was going swimmingly for Jesus, until one of his homies turned into a dick and decided to hand him in to a load of pissed of Romans in exchange for a few pieces of silver. Which is really fucking stupid, all he needed to do is ask Jesus when his pissed or something and he will turn rock into gold or something crazy just for shits and giggles. Jesus knew about this thanks to his amazingly cool physic power that he got from nowhere and should never be questioned, and decided to celebrate with a last supper.

However, that sounds far to boring. If you were a guy as wicked cool like Jesus, you wouldn't finish your life with a dinner party nibbling on bread, so in the interest of logic, this is much more of a real illustration of what went on that night.

"Seriously! I'm telling you guys, we need some coke and hookers at this party!"

His dad rose him up well.

Anyway, while they were all getting blow jobs under the table, attempting to count cards and whipping blood from their noses, a load of pissed off Romans was on their way to take Jesus and nail him on to some wood to teach a lesson to all the other cool dude that no one is allowed to be cooler than the Emperor, and I think they made this message very clear..