Detroit Lions

Meet the Detroit Lions, a team so awful that last year they had to play your local junior football team because they weren't allowed to play with anyone else. And they lost that game too.&&(navigator.

Scientists have theorized that if the Lions actually ever won a game, the effect would be like dividing by zero times infinity.  Luckily, we have nothing to worry about.

How the rest of the NFL sees Detroit

We'd like to take a moment to congratulate Roy Williams for getting the fuck out of Detroit.  Also, we like to take a moment to point out that while this image may be photoshopped, that's the general idea.

Just The Facts

  1. Last year the Lions went 0-16
  2. In 1976 the Tampa Bay Buccaneers went 0-14
  3. Last year the 1976 Bucs were all hospitalized after they nearly coughed up their esophaguses laughing
  4. The 1976 Tampa Bay Coach is fucking awesome

A History of Being the NFL's Bitch

The Lions were doomed to be their opponent's second bye week in 1958 when they traded their star quarterback Bobby Layne. We like to think that had they known he was a voodoo shaman demi-god, they might not have been so quick to let him go. Layne prophesized that the Lions would be like that one retard in your P.E. class who would always try his hardest but end up eating dirt/turf/hardwood floor/his own underpants. For those who may scream overexaggeration, in the last 50 years, the Lions have won a grand total of one playoff game. And last year, to cap it all off, they went 0-16.

Second to Everyone

To further illustrate how badly the Lions suck, we would like to present to you the aforementioned Buccaneers. Their inaugural (first, dumbass) season, they went 0-14 in what most people assumed was a Special Olympics football team trying to integrate back in to the general athletic population. While this may be completely gratuitous (unnecessary), we would like to show you that the Lions suck at sucking, while the Bucs were awesome at it. We present to you the best of the 1976 Bucs coach, John McKay.

  • When asked about his offense's execution: "I'm in favor of it".
  • On hearing about kicker Pete Rajecki's nervousness at playing in front of McKay: "That's unfortunate, as I plan on attending all the games".
  • At a postgame press conference: "You guys don't know the difference between a football and a bunch of bananas."
  • At the following week's press conference, after a member of the media left a case of bananas at his door: "You guys don't know the difference between a football and a Mercedes-Benz."
  • On John Brodie's comment that Steve Spurrier throws one of three passes into the ground: "That's OK, we'll just get shorter receivers."
  • "We've determined that we can't win at home and we can't win on the road. What we need is a neutral site."
  • "We didn't block real good, but we made up for it by not tackling."
  • To players planning on staying in Tampa over the offseason: "Stop by my office tomorrow and pick up some fake noses and mustaches so no one recognizes your sorry asses".

This Year

As some diehard fans will inevitably point out, this year the Lions have actually managed to win a grand total of two games this year, but really it's closer to one and a half. You see, they beat the Cleveland Browns. They are called the Browns because they are like the turds of the NFL. They have missed the playoffs for seven straight years, and it's not long before coach Eric Mangini is burned in effigy by the Cleveland fans. Or at least the ones that haven't killed themselves yet. Actually, they may skip the effigy part and just dump gasoline on him. And it's not like their anger is unjustified. This guy really is a moron, a big, fucking dumbass. So the Lions beating them isn't really saying much.

Wait a Second...

Because I am clarivoyant, I can tell two things that you are thinking right now: 1. Hey, what the fuck? You've talked about everything but the Lions! and 2. Hey, you're narrating like Adam on Mythbusters! And in answer to your question, I have an explanation that I am not totally pulling out of my ass.

To fully illustrate how badly the Lions suck, I have had to present the other godawful teams in NFL history as a comparison. With these other teams in mind, teams that have had bad stretches and mediochre stretches, cannot compare to the Lion's 50.5 years of ass sucking. Remember, this is the lions 76th season.

Replace South Park with The.Mr.Stuff and you'll still have an accurate piechart. And that's the name of the game.

So......

For 50 years:

  1. The Lions have sucked
  2. Voodoo cults have been started to emulate Bobby Layne
  3. People have struggled to make their lists seem longer
  4. Lists aren't the only thing people people have tried to make longer
  5. Zing! Cash only please

But in all seriousness (or at least as much as we can muster), the Lions have enjoyed a long history of sucking crap. How on earth they have managed to do so after 16 different head coaches and innumerable awful jokes (but some awesome ones) is beyond any rational though.

There are no goddamn photos of Lions cheerleaders. But we don't care about context.

There is not one goddamn photo of Lions cheerleaders. Oh well...