The cougar is a giant cat native to the Americas, or possibly your widowed neighbor. It's known by many names, but everyone can agree that it can screw your shit up. Or screw the shit out of you, depends on which type you go after.

Just The Facts

  1. It's a stalk-and-ambush predator, and like the creepy neighbor that stares at you through a telescope, they can strike while you least expect it.
  2. They are the 4th heaviest cats in the world, on average 2.5 feet tall and 8 feet long. That means a Cougar is to your housecat like a Great Dane is to a toy chihuahua you got from Taco Bell.
  3. It's a stalk-and-ambush predator, and like the creepy neighbor that stares at you through a telescope, they can strike while you least expect it.
  4. Cougars cannot roar, possibly because it's too busy silently stalking you from outside the backyard of your mountain villa.
  5. Cougars can also be middle-aged women who want to have sex with younger gentlemen. And we're ok with this.

Cracked on Cougars

Cougars(also known as panthers, or pumas, or "Oh shit, it's going into my lawn!") are basically the biggest of the small cats you can get before going into the territory of Leopards and all those other cats that can roar. Still, the title of "small cat" doesn't stop it from being a goddamn beast. They have the largest hind legs in the cat family, which helps with its jumping abilities. It's said that it can leap 18 feet vertically in the air while leaping 20 to 40 feet horizonally. Holy ass.


And because it lives in the mountain environment, it's extremey skilled at climbing, but they can also reach the max sprinting speed of 45 miles an hour. Not as fast as a cheetah, but fast enough for it to catch up to that delicious looking mountain hiker. They have to compete for their food no matter where they live though. They are often considered rivals to beasts such as the brown bear, the gray wolf, the jaguar, and the American Alligator, all of which are equally capable of killing people like you. The prey of a cougar are usually things like deer, moose, elk, or domesticated livestock, but if it wanted to, it'll go and munch on a juicy Bighorn Sheep, which can weigh twice as much as the cougar and are armed with horns that can weigh up 30 freaking pounds.


Did I mention that they can also swim? It's like this cat is some sort of fucked up al-terrain hunter God made to screw with us. And guess what, it's a generalist predator. For those who don't know how to identify word parts, it means it'll eat anything it can catch. Anything. And even if they don't actively hunt humans, they'll still find your baby in the backyard of your mountain villa as tasty as a baby fawn. And thanks to large urbanization near their habitats, they can realistically be in your backyards. Right now.

Your baby, photoshopped in for visual demonstration.

People fear cougars. There's no doubt about it. This is why the Apache Indians saw it as a harbinger of death and why we name shoes, cars, and certain army vehicles after it.

The Cougar, an armored, fighting vehicle that is resistant to mines, IEDs, and is known to go chase after the occasional al qaeda deer.

Cracked on "Cougars"

On the other hand, a "Cougar" is also slang for middle aged women who seek the sexual attention of younger men, usually through methods of clubbing. The Cracked Staff here are crazy about cougars. Too crazy. We sometimes just stare out into our neighbors' windows on our porch with a bottle of Cognac with our shirts off, and just wait. That's how crazy we are for Cougars. Women who do the same activity but are under the age of 40 are often called pumas.

Oh god, this isn't what we meant at all.

It's said that the term came from Western Canada, which means it's yet another thing Canada has given to us, including hockey and those little leaf-shaped sandwich cookies made of maple syrup. Aside from allowing certain college students to send hot, steaming letters to Penthouse Magazine, cougars have also given us a wide variety of media entertainment, like some movie called Cougar Club, a tv show called Cougar Town, and a bad reality dating show on TV Land called The Cougar, whose only unique aspect to distinguish it from other typical reality dating shows was that the commercials kept saying "SHIT, IT'S ON TVLAND. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?"

You may still look smoking hot, but we still rather have a dating show with an actual cougar.

Of course, cougars are only now getting a slice of the internet pie, with many dating sites that guarantee you a cougar to date and have hot nasty sex with. We don't know if this is true or not or that they would send you an actual goddamn cougar to have sex with.

Nonetheless, we here at Cracked full endorse that the hot single science lab college teacher, or the office secretary, or that hotel maid....those are all the occupations we can think of. Is there anything else we can say about these people besides the sex they can give us? Do they come in more flavors than Blonde? Can we get some more cougar pictures in this page?

Yes, No, and Fantastic.

Indeed, Cougars are an essential part of the bachelor lifesty- wait wait, we got it, Librarians! That's a cougar occupation right?

Yes it is.