LA Fitness: Commitment to Fitness...OR ELSE.
Just The Facts
- Memberships are reasonably priced "agreements" that you don't always agree with.
- Partially qualified personal trainers are available to direct your transition from slightly overweight to muscular damage.
- Sales Counselors are happy to attack you for commission.
- You can easily cancel at any time...after you're dead.
"Where Fitness is a Way of Life" (That we'll hold you to, so help you God...)
You've heard gym horror stories. Hell, you might even be living your own gym horror story now. What you haven't experienced yet, however, is the joy of LA Fitness.
The facilities are expansive and occasionally cleaned. The equipment is strategically placed and suited with a film of sweat for your heightened gym experience. And the staff you conversed with that day you came in with your free guest pass are long gone by the time you come in for your complimentary personal training assessment two days later. It's nothing you thought it would, or could ever be!
And you're not going anywhere.
You cannot simply call and get general questions answered by the front desk--such as directions to the facility, hours of operation, or if they have onsite daycare--because what you're really inquiring about is the next available appointment with a Sales Counselor. LA Fitness' well-versed Sales Counselors schedule you for an exciting, free gym day, equipped with a tour of the facility and an immediate high-pressure shove into a membership agreement. Even more rewarding is the feeling of pending dread when you leave your new home gym after signing your agreement.
Your initial personal training consultation isn't so bad, but the jumbo price for training you didn't even know you actually agreed to is just damn awful. This, along with the exciting perks mentioned earlier, leads you to the THRILLING dance of...
Membership Shuffle, Err'body!!
Although the Sales Counselor will inform you that all you have to do to cease your membership is complete a cancellation document, it's just not that damn easy. Period. Fuck. So, to help you along your way, a 24-step cheat sheet is available below:
- Call your local LA Fitness and find out that it's not your home gym.
- Get phone number to your home gym.
- Call your home gym, sit on hold for 12 minutes.
- Speak to a front desk rep who cannot locate your account.
- Play Find the Account another 2 minutes.
- Locate your account information and learn that you have to create an online account with LA Fitness to access the cancellation form. You could come into your home gym, but we'll revisit this action shortly.
- You hang up and create your online account and access the cancellation form.
- You learn that you cannot submit your cancellation through the internet. You have to print it and mail it to "corporate" only you don't reeeeeeally know where the hell corporate is.
- Three weeks later, you check your bank ledger and see your so-called cancelled LA Fitness membership still charging your credit card...and with a late fee.
- You call your (ex-)home gym and are told that your membership isn't cancelled because they haven't received anything from "corporate." You ask for a number to "corporate" and the front desk rep tells you there isn't one.
- You yell "WTF" into the phone and ask for a manager.
- You wait 7.5 minutes for a manager to come to the phone.
- Manager informs you to come into the gym to take care of cancellation. No, you cannot do this at the gym close to your place of work. No, you cannot do this over the phone. No, you cannot make this any less inconvenient.
- You arrive at your (ex-)home gym and ask for the manager you spoke with...they've left the building.
- The present front desk rep knows nothing of what you're in for because they weren't trained in cancellations. You have to come back tomorrow between 6am and 2pm.
- You sit in your car and cry. You notice that vein your buddy said always forms when you're pissed off is extra large.
- The next day, you arrive promptly at 6am and get connected with someone who does know how to complete a cancellation!
- Rep prints the document you just mailed a little over three weeks ago to "corporate" and tells you send it off as certified mail. You are confused. Rep just smiles.
- You mail the flimsy ass form again and pay $2.88 plus postage.
- Three days later, you check USPS.com and track the letter. It's apparently arrived somewhere.
- Two days later, an LA Fitness rep from Nebraska contacts you "regarding your membership account." You live in New Jersey.
- You receive 6 phone calls and 4 voicemails from LA Fitness account reps all over the country the very next day pertaining to your membership account.
- You receive your next credit card statement for the following month and see that LA Fitness has charged you like, fucking, a 12-credit semester worth of tuition in fees on your credit card. Your APR has increased to 18.7%.
- You move out of your home state, report your credit card stolen, and change your phone numbers and insist that the updates aren't listed.
In short, the experience you'll have with LA Fitness promises to be a true workout in mental endurance and anger management. Bring a friend along and enroll your family--the challenge is worth it!