Weddings

A wedding is supposed to celebrate the beginning of marital bliss but more often turns out to be a lengthy ordeal in which a woman holds all her friends captive and makes them do things they would never do unless by force...

...like wearing these cheap-ass dresses and agreeing to be photographed in them...

...attending a lame-ass bachelorette party...

and putting up with a 9 year-old bipolar flower girl who keeps swiping my smokes.

Just The Facts

  1. Weddings began as a way of comforting the woman before she was about to be raped and owned. Legally.
  2. Nowadays most women have sex hundreds of times before their "big day." (Thanks, Trojan!)
  3. Still, we are held prisoner by these symbolic virgins with too much time and money on their hands.

"God Damnit! Mother Fuckin' Katie asked me to be her Mother Fuckin' Maid of Honor."

So oh my god, Katie called me and told me that Mark proposed and she said yes and then she asked me to be her fuckin' maid of honor and i was like oh my god of course but now i'm like really regretting it even though i could never say no but still it's only been 12 hours and she's already sent me all these cunty texts asking about the bachelorette party and my opinion on her choice of candy apple red for the dresses and grilled tofu for dinner and i'm thinking: bitch, back off or i might have to kill you, but not really because it'll be a great day and Mark is awesome and i think i'll get to stand-up with his super-hot, though allegedly gay, brother Tim.

The Rehearsal Dinner Wine chosen by the Maid of Honor.

 

"God Damnit! Mother Fuckin' Katie asked me to sing at her Mother Fuckin' wedding."

So okay you've heard that mother fuckin' Katie is getting married(what am i thinking) of course YOU have heard because you're one of the 47 bridesmaids of which i am not so okay that's cool but then she calls and asks me to sing and i'm like all teary-eyed thinking i'm going to sing something awesome like "the rose" or "theme from ice castles" and then she totally kills my boner when she asks me to sing some josh faggot groban song that i've never heard of and ave maria accompanied by a ukulele. i fucking hate katie!

"Ave Maria with a ukulele? Bring it on!"

"God Damnit! Mother Fuckin' Katie let me off the hook but didn't give me a Mother Fuckin' 'plus-one'"

So mother fuckin goddamned "cunt of the world" Katie blows me off as her 48th bridesmaid and chose that lesbo peggy to sing those stupid gay-ass songs AND she has the ovarian fortitude to send me an invitation without a guest invite. i'm so sorry that i don't have a regular sex-partner but jesus christ give me someone to talk to while you dance with your "husfuckingband" or your "father of the fucking bride." I wish her all the best and/but Katie is a vag.

Even though Katie is a cunt I will still attend and offer a gift. I will also take a crap on her lawn and photograph it for my own amusement.