Marisa Miller

Marisa Miller is quite simply the hottest woman on the planet. If scientists went to the lab to create the ultimate hot, surfer chick, Marisa Miller would be result. And isn't this what stem cell research should be all about?

Contrary to popular belief, Marisa was not born, but sprang forth as a fully grown beach goddess.   Much like Botticelli's

In 1938, Adolf Hitler was photographed resuscitating a frightened and nearly drowned kitten.  Since that time, no photograph in the history of mankind has evoked such passion and revulsion..until now.   This photo of Marisa and husband Griffin Guess strikes simultaneous chords of horror, envy and pride.

Just The Facts

  1. A single drop of Marisa's cleavage sweat has the same potency as 340 metric tons of Viagra.
  2. The FDA has certified that a Marisa Miller screen saver can lower your cholesterol.
  3. If nude, Marisa must be viewed through a hole cut in a box as if she were a solar eclipse.
  4. Marisa supports the Surfrider Foundation which works to preserve the world's oceans and beaches. Telling her you've nicknamed your junk "surf...get it, wink, wink" will get you a restraining order.

Judge for yourself...

If you are unfamiliar with Marisa, crawl back into your cave and smack yourself repeatedly with your Clay Aiken albums. After appearing in Perfect 10 magazine, Marisa has been seen in numerous Sports Illustrated swimsuit editions, including the coveted cover in 2008. She is also a regular model for Victoria's Secret, and regularly turns down my attempts to book her for "private gigs."

Marisa Miller, Maxim

Still need convincing?

Marisa has the rare combination of athleticism and hotness that most heroin-chic models - who are built like 12 year old boys - sorely lack. I imagine she was the cute, tomboy who showed up for the 11th grade carwash and suddenly put a body on display that had been secretly grown under sweatshirts and baggy jeans. One can also assume the boys at the cashwash had a reaction similar to the Nazi's from Indiana Jones when they saw the Arc of the Covenant.

A photo of Marisa Miller

Seriously.....

What is it going to take?!?! Heidi Klum, Megan Fox and Angelina Jolie look like Romanian circus freaks compared to her.

Naked Marisa Miller Picture

Okay, let me see if I can explain it once more....

Calling Marisa hot is like saying that the surface of the sun is exremely tepid. Shakespeare himself would have stammered and would have repeatedly replaced his drool-soaked writing parchment while trying to describe her magnificence. Our paltry English language has failed to conjure a word that can truly do justice to her beauty. If only Webster's dictionary would add "asstacularbooblusciousness" then this oversight could be rectified.

Wouldn't you love to be on her playlist? Marisa Miller = Hottest Woman on the Planet.

Religion and Commercialism....

Is this even fair? I mean I love all shapes, sizes and types of women, but this is absolutely THE pinnacle of the female form. Michaelangelo's David - which is supposed to the perfect male form - looks like Jerod from Subway when compared to Marisa. When this photo is rediscovered thousands of years from now, I predict it will start a new religion.

Marisa Miller - Sports Illustrated Swimsuit 2008

As a final plea of Marisa fandom, I am begging the good makers of the Klondike bar to look at this picture, and pay Marisa whatever it takes to become your spokesmodel. Now imagine her holding one of your chocolate-coated masterpieces (I prefer Heathbar Crunch). Since no man-made product can hold up to Marisa's hotness, the bar is beginning to melt and drip down her body to form a pool of vanilla/chocolate heaven in her bellybutton. She utters the words, "what would YOU do for a Klondike bar?"

Go to fullsize image

Trust me, you'll get a huge rise.....in sales.