Archaeology

In the most depressing public statement since Magic Johnson's 1991 press conference, Shia LaBeouf recently said Steven Spielberg "cracked" the story for Indiana Jones 5. The only people less excited than movie fans: real archaeologists.

Just The Facts

  1. Archaeology is the study of human remains, NOT dinosaurs you retards
  2. Archaeology only became worthy of mention with the discovery of carbon dating
  3. Indiana Jones is the reason anybody becomes an Archaeologist nowadays, even though he repeatedly shat on everything archaeology holds sacred
  4. Incredibley, Indiana Jones is the first hit on Google Images for both "archaeologist" and "college professor", which just goes to show - fuck you history

Seriously, Right In the Butt History

Children looking to see what a real archaeologist and a real college professor look like on Google find a much awesomer, far less realistic answer. And for once, it's not porn:

We like to imagine the first image is asking the second image, "Where's your whip pussy?"

Actually, College Professors are probably cool with Indy getting #1 over this guy.

Cracked on Archaeology

Cracked knows nothing about archaeology except what has been learnt from the following movies (NB Every single one of these films reduces the meaning of archaeology to simply "treasure hunt":

Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark

What this movie taught us: Steven Speilberg really hates GermanssorryImeanNazis. Also, that God exists but prefers to contain his power inside a small box in a desert somewhere rather than prevent the impending European holocaust.

What this movie taught us about archaeology: Stealing things from natives is cool if you keep growling "that belongs in a museum!"

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

What this movie taught us: There is no ethical difference between an American who does his job with a wry smile and a Nazi who does his job with a fanatical gleam in his eye. Oh, and that Sean Connery is actually quite funny.

What this movie taught us about archaeology: There's nothing wrong with destroying artifacts as long as you have managed to decipher the next clue, which is part of the world's highest stakes treasure hunt game.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

What this movie taught us: Wierdos from other countries eat monkey brains. Women are pathetic.

What this movie taught us about archaeology: Not sure - does this film contain any archaeology at all?

The Goonies

What this film taught us: Criminals are clumsy and foolish and can be thwarted by kids with just a bit of wit and can do anttitude.

What it taught us about archaeology: Spanish people use massive coins.

Lara Croft: Tomb Raider

What this film taught us: Sometimes, films can be more ridiculous than video games.

What the film taught us about archaeology: You car needs a service at least every 3 years, but a temple built from stone with primitive tools over one thousand years ago can have a mechanism that runs smoother than a hot curry through a digestive system. Because of magic.

National Treasure

What the film taught us: Nicolas Cage is retarded.