American Psycho

American Psycho was released in 2000 and starred Christian Bale. It has gratuitous amounts of violence, sex, and business suits. Also, Bale is a crazy psychopathic killer that threatens kittens.

Just The Facts

  1. Leonardo DiCaprio, Johnny Depp, and Edward Norton were all considered before The Bale.
  2. Body count: 10
  3. Scenes with Christian Bale naked: Many
  4. Heads in fridges/Chainsaws dropped down stairwells: 1

Plot Summary

The Bale plays a wealthy banking executive who's also a serial killer. Hey, what did you expect? It's called American Psycho, which is actually a pretty serious plot spoiler if you think about it. That would be like calling The Sixth Sense, Bruce Willis Isn't Exactly A Zombie But It's Pretty Close So Just Think About It.

If you've ever heard people talk about the movie it was probably the first time you ever heard the words 'hooker,' 'chainsaw,' and 'Christian Bale chasing after a hooker naked with a chainsaw,' in the same sentence. It's true. The Bale runs down the hallways of his luxurious apartment waving a chainsaw around like a Fourth of July sparkler, chasing after a hooker with blood splattered all over his naked body. No, don't laugh. He's serious.

You can thank me later for that censor bar

To be honest, the entire movie is basically The Bale being a normal Wall Street bigwig, then being a psychopathic killer, then putting his suit back on. It's a transformation that reminds me a little bit of this:

Instead of explaining The Bale's transformation over the course of the movie in detail, let's illustrate it in pictures. Here's where The Bale is relatively normal:

That last one is a bit of a stretch, but Tom Cruise did it in Risky Business. Actually, that hurts my case.

Here the waters get a bit murky--is he actually crazy, or just an eccentric magnate? A related question: can a girl always get pregnant, or is it cool if it's her first time? If you chose option two in either case, go take your psycho pills and save up for child support. It's hard to pay the bills with all the voices, isn't it?

In The Bale's world this is like Chuck E. Cheese for adults

Now for my personal favorite, and irrevocable proof that The Bale is batshit crazy:

This pretty much sums it up

If you're putting cats into ATMs, you're either Christian Bale in American Psycho (and crazy), or really confused about the American monetary system.

The legend of 'The Bale'

One quick thing to get out of the way: throughout the article I have referred to our friend Christian Bale as 'The Bale.' Why? Look:

Bale, the psycho

I'm too scared of him to treat him as anything other than a noun. It makes me feel safer.

Things The Bale Says (and what they really mean)

Here are a few quotes from the movie, along with their actual meaning. If anyone ever says these things to you, politely thank them for the chardonnay and get the hell out of there.


What was said:

The Bale: "You're a fucking ugly bitch. I want to stab you to death, and then play around with your blood."

Translation:

The Bale: "I don't think it will work out between us."


What was said:

Jean: "Are you seeing anyone, you know, seriously?"

The Bale: "Maybe, I don't know, not really."

Translation:

Jean: "I want to have sex."

The Bale: "Only if I can use sharp objects."


What was said:

The Bale: "I want you to clean your vagina."

Translation:

The Bale: "I'm a serial killer, but I have standards."


What was said:

The Bale: "Just cool it with the anti-Semitic remarks."

Translation:

The Bale: "I secretly love Mel Gibson."


What was said:

The Bale: "I have to return some video tapes."

Translation:

The Bale: "I'm a serial killer."


What was said:

Evelyn: "You're inhuman."

The Bale: "No... I'm in touch with humanity."

Translation:

Evelyn: "You're inhuman."

The Bale: "I need a cat and an ATM machine."

Nakedness

One last thing, The Bale is naked in this movie. A lot. Apparently, the day they shot the scene where The Bale takes a shower, all of the women on-set came to watch. Anyone smell an Axe commercial?