The In-Laws

Getting married is a wonderful adventure, full of joy, pain and love. Unfortunately, it also means In-Laws.

The subtle telltale signs of this family would be: Make sure yours is not the only fresh brain at the dinner table.

Just The Facts

  1. The dictionary defines In-Law as "A relative by marriage." A case of "You can pick your relatives" then.
  2. Dictionary compilers are usually single. Because they are smart. And nerds.
  3. The only time your mother in law will like you is if she actively hates her own child. This happens more often than you might expect.

The Downside of Marrying

So. You had to go and get married. It is perfectly fine just to live together, but, no, you had to get the bit of paper and the ceremony. And now you are stuck - with one of the 7 causes of Divorce.


The instant you say "I do," your partner's family turn from reasonable, though disinterested, beings into slavering monsters who consider you a cretinous layabout, well below their station and only interested in their little baby's booty. Or, they decide that you are their servant, on call 24/7 to deal with all sorts of random shit.

You could of course be lucky. If they really hate you, you won't see them too often until you, or preferably your wife, gives birth.

The Mother in Law

The 800 lb gorilla of in-laws, usually literally, the mother-in-law has been the butt of jokes and comedy monologues since long before mankind invented fire.

Behind every successful man is a proud wife and a very surprised mother-in-law.

There are entire websites dedicated to bitching about and placating the beast. The only sensible technique is to avoid her as long as possible, then shove her into a retirement home as soon as is decent. It may seem cruel - but it is for the best.

The Father in Law

The Father in Law is usually pretty harmless, being constantly out bellowed by his wife.

You sleeping with my daughter? You had best be shit hot in the sack.

However, step on what he considers his turf and you'll be surprised at how fast the fat old bastard can move. And how hard he can still hit.

Siblings in Law

Minor annoyances for the most part, though they do tend to move in for weeks and wreck your shit.

No. Your wife is not up for a threesome with her sister. Don't be a perv.

Just ignore them. It keeps peace in your family, makes your life more tranquil, and gives you a wickedly good alibi when they turn up brutally murdered.

Surviving the Horde

After intensive research, we have managed to find some techniques that may, with Oscar level acting, keep the peace between you, your spouse and the in-Laws.

In-laws, Zombies. No real difference?

Do not bone your sister in law, no matter how tempting it may be.

Need we include your brother in law in the no no list?

Remember, your spouse actually loves them

Approach the subject of their pure, unadulterated evil carefully.

Bribes work. Use them frequently and intelligently.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. So does distance. Try moving to Australia. Australian readers - sorry, you are screwed anyway.

Politeness costs nothing - and puts them firmly on the defensive instead of their usual offensive selves.

Do not insult your mother-in-law's taste in anything. Life is way too short for the suffering that will cause you. Besides - it's like shooting fish in a barrel.

Grow a pair and a very thick skin.

Take up kickboxing or other form of controlled violence.