VMA 2009

The VMA's have successfully positioned as one of the most important and distinguished awards, rewarding innovation, complexity and...oh, those VMA's? "Video Music Awards"? Oh, those reality shows where you contract syphilis? Sure, those are awesome.

Just The Facts

  1. MTV only shows 5 or 6 videos monthly, those are the nominees.
  2. The majority of the artists have been nomineed over the last decade. It appears MTV is caught inside the Twilight Zone.
  3. The only reason people will watch the VMA's is the impressively high probability of retarded behavior caught on tape, also everyone will be looking at Lady Gaga's crotch.

Introduction to the VMA's

After doing my research, I was surprised with some of the discoveries, since they all supported my initial hypothesis of MTVs latest videos sponsoring the analphabetism and eternal nudity trend, which explains the whole "sexting" thing kids do. First, half naked "stars" (a.k.a. TV whores) walking slowly and rubbing each other while awkwardly giggling are 76% of the whole event; all porn awards accomplish this to perfection, too bad there's no 8 hour transmission of the pre-event, still, no one watches more than 10 straight minutes of porn actresses interacting (Zing! Classic sitcom porn joke). Second, on the red carpet there's no difference between men and women: both wear tight clothes, wear makeup, have dashing hairdos and both like to model, it almost resembles the most notables gay parades, or the other way around (depending on which came first).

I'm sorry ma'am, would you like to sign this petition...yeah, just sign there. You go girl!!!

After the embarrassing showcase of modern boy bands and incredibly high pitched "Fuck! You're annoying as hell, I wish I could punch you in your extremely over excited face without going to jail" girls that go from 10 to 57 years old (the old ones are highly dangerous given that they don't have anything to live for, except the bag full of Jonas Brother's hair), it's time for the main event, hopefully it surpases the great imbecility of previous years, which would make a new low for human kind.

That face just says: "Don't fuck with me...I'm not kidding...pussy"

The Main Event

These awards have a strict preparation, from its smallest details to the enormous and fancy presentations, e.g. drunk blonde girls queasily stumbling on stage while they mumble moronic lyrics about misogynous men.

Why don't you all treat me like a lady?!! Can't you see I'm just extremely talented?
(I really wonder where the fuck they got those dancers...they're just...come on, really)

Apparently, over time, the VMA's have established a complex structure, trying to maintain the viewer's attention at all moment. Seeing that the freakin' retarded awards haven't disappeared, we can conclude MTV has the secret of mind control.

How they control our mind

So, as we can see, the VMA's are nothing more than an enormous waste of humanity's time. According to recent studies, every year the VMA's kills over 100 adorable kids per retarded viewer. If you want to do your yearly good deed, don't watch the amanzingly numbing show, it would be just a million times better for everyone if you go out and commit any crime instead.