Breaking Up

From not so harsh to unbearably humiliating ways people break up via interwebz. The sad part about breaking up using the internet is that somewhere in cyber space someone is enjoying your break-up before you’ve even had time to read it.

Thats your heart she's throwing away

It's not okay to cry after a break-up if you are going to look like this

Just The Facts

  1. Breaking up via e-mail in letter form is forgiveable if properly punctuated and signed
  2. Changing your myspace name to accommodate a new girlfriend isnt always a good idea (especially if you're still with your old one)
  3. You really want everyone on facebook to know you guys are breaking up, dont you?
  4. Twitter is faster, really.
  5. Your youtube video is a priceless memory to live on for centuries.

5. Standard e-mail

If anyone still uses mainstream website e-mail for communicating with your buddies, I'm pretty sure that it's used for the sole purpose of breaking up. How often do you check your yahoo account anyway? Its always last on the official networking sites to visit for that day. And I'm not just saying that because I actually do have a list of sites I visit every morning and every night before bed.

An everyday necessity

And to be honest, if someone wrote me an e-mail using a letter format, I would be more considerate in forgiveness. At least they were courteous in their 'best regards' sign off.

This offense is definitely worthy of only 2 FU marks.

4. Myspace Name

Having the tool to allow you to change your login name is always a bad idea. And by bad idea, I mean no one should be allowed to change their name to '!!B.I.G.!! ~.E-Z.~.' What happened to the simple things in life, like making your myspace name just your freaking name?

Along with changing your name to make yourself look like a total douche bag, it's also an exciting way to tell someone you no longer wish to see them. Maybe because #5 on your friends list gives anal (and you don't.)

This took way too long to make on paint

Oh shit! Now the entire top friend's list is fully aware that Ryan is a cheating bastard and they didn't even have to read your blog! Way to cut out the middleman. Luckily, you can change your name right back to 'Ryan <3's Anal' and we can forget about the whole break up. Perhaps big ol' easy needs a girlfriend....ladies?

This gets 4 FU's.

3. The Facebook Wall Post

People either forget that your wall is a large bulletin board for others to read or they 'forget' that your wall is a large bulletin board for others to read. Either way, my mom is now calling me on the phone asking if I need a bucket of ice cream and her copy of the notebook.

Actually, my mother would probably concoct some type of herbal potion for revenge and skinny dip in our pool (she skinny dips in the pool regardless of my emotional state).

Note: not actually my mom

Basically your whole facebook clan of "friends from high school" are now commenting on the post before you can remove it. Don't worry though, im sure at the 10 year high school reunion they'll have a laugh about it before making fun of you when you go to the bathroom later.

Because this is probably done so often I'm only going to give it 5 FU's.

2. Your Twitter Update

The simplest break-up in technology and internet history. Your one true excuse to ending something sweet and short thanks to 140 characters. Which is even less than a text message! GOAL!

One upside is that it's probably the fastest way of letting you know before your friends can comment it. The downside is that everyone actually finds out at the same time (that is assuming you all get device updates sent to your phone and I know you do).

The great news is that you can instantly know at work, from home or in your car!

"On my way to break-up with Tara LOL"

This break-up way is truly scrutinizing with pain. Especially if the previous tweet involved:

"At Sarah's house and she's showing me her new bikini she just bought LOL"

7 FU's (not to be related with 7 UPs)

1. Breaking Up Through A Youtube Video

I rarely spend time on youtube (unless im watching that ridiculous barking cat!) so when I found out this was actually happening, I shit my pants (twice) and had my roommate show me the video he found. I actually didn't have him show me anything because he got stoned and forgot the name of it. So I did some searching myself.

I really only found a bunch of videos on 'how to break up', 'getting over an ex' and this really depressing "video" of a guy singing this song he wrote to his girlfriend days after they broke up (it was actually a really lame picture of them gazing gay-like into each other's eyes why he cried and sang in the background).

Please don't make me stare at this for another 4 minutes again

A youtube video of your significant other telling you its over and posting it on all your accounts would definitely take the gold. Especially if you and a friend act out a 'scene' of how the real life break-up might go. Note to self: cast opposite sex of significant other.

I would FU up and down the block for that one. And not in the good way, either.