Daytime Television

Did you know there were TV programs on during the day? How long has this shit been going on? Seriously?

The Daytime Television Actors are lured out of their cages for a day of hard work.

Just The Facts

  1. Daytime TV is made up of three major categories.
  2. Those categories are Soap Operas, Children's programming, and shitty reruns of half hour comedies that were dated and lame three years ago.
  3. They show a lot of soccer during the day too. This is because the decent soccer matches are from Europe and there's a time difference to be dealt with.
  4. Even Daytime News shows aren't up to standard. Take "Fox and Friends" for example...

Soap Operas

Imagine what nighttime TV would be like if the actors weren't as good at acting, the plotlines were drawn out endlessly to where it takes three months of weekday shows to find out who's baby a character is having, and everyone is really hot. We want to remind you that if someone is very hot they will be put on nightime Television if they are able to act at all. However, these are very hot people who are on DAYTIME TV. You figure out what's missing from the necessary equation to make it to nightime (real) tv shows.

Also, Soap Operas spend a lot of time dealing with homosexuality. It seems every show is required by law to have one gay couple which mirrors real life. However, while homosexuals make up 7-12% of the population (unless you use the figure promoted by your gay friend who insists it's more like 95%) the homosexual characters get about 30% of the airtime. Which kind of shows that the networks think this is unusually noteworthy and worth exploring deeply.

Recently "One Life To Live" ran a month long storyline featuring a character coming out of the closet and a political campaign centered around two pro-gay candidates competing for liberal voters by one-upping each other's commitment (with one candidate pretending to be gay to win) and both promising to legalize gay marriage. This probably was to make up for a storyline two years ago in which a gay politician was murdering people. Possibly making it the first time a homosexual was shown on tv in the last 10 years in an unflattering light.

For Some Reason Even the Most Homophobic Redneck Wants To See More Of this Gay Couple.

Popular Soap Opera Storylines (ranked in order of most over-used)

1) Stolen babies. This is the basis for pretty much every sweeps week storyline. This is because deep down all women fear this more than anything... except public speaking.

2) Big Ass Weddings. Apparently dress manafacurers pay to put their dresses on TV shows. The big wedding of two popular characters usually draw big ratings.

3) The Cheating spouse. Apparently as soon as the wedding is over, two previously popular characters are no longer interesting and writers have to fuck up their lives to make them interesting. And then we wonder what's wrong with young women today who seem to fill their lives with self-inflicted pointless drama.

4) Back from the dead. Remember last season when a touching storyline needed a death to make it even more important? Well the writers didn't think about the future when they wrote that. Now they need the previously off character back from the dead. Solution: just write anything, it's not like viewers who watch this crap expect something good from their programs.

5) Guess who's gay? It's the new character! It's always the new character.

Everything Wrong with Soap Opera's Portrayal of Women in One Easy to Understand Cartoon.

Children's Programming

Pretty much what you'd expect to be on TV when small kids are the largest demographic in the house. These also feature homosexual plotlines, but in a less direct way. By the way, Bert and Ernie are totally straight kids, just because they sleep in the same room, wear sweaters, and play with rubber duckies in the tub doesn't mean anything. Oh wait... also like all tv show gay couples, one is funloving and the other is kind of dull and ultra-serious. Apparently if two fun-loving homosexuals were to hook up the whole universe would implode.

This Small Implossion is What Happened When Andy Dick Kissed a Picture of Stephen Fry

Shitty Re-runs

Remember "Ned and Stacy," "Wings," or "Dharma and Greg?"

No? Well there's a reason.

Soccer games from Europe.

Time zones. Thanks to time zones every sporting event at night in Europe shows during the middle of the day in America. This is awesome during the olympics because nobody throws a party like Europeans. Remember the '36 Olympics? Fun times!

But seriously, you can watch the European Championships for club soccer on TV during the day. Here once and for all, Americans can find out which European City has the best team full of South American and African mercenaries who would play for any team that offers enough cash. God Bless America!