Arnold Schwarzenegger

This is a page about the life and work of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Please imagine Arnold reading the page to you for maximum comedic impact.

In case you were wondering, the camera is shaped like a woman's ass

Just The Facts

  1. Arnold was, literally and figuratively, the biggest celebrity in the world for a 15 year stretch beginning in 1982. His movies have collectively made over $4 billion worldwide, which means Arnold has earned $9,102,826.06 for every word of spoken dialogue he has delivered on film.
  2. Arnold was a leading force in creating mainstream acceptance for bodybuilding contests and the industry that surrounds it. His movies are so good, we forgive him for doing that.
  3. Arnold famously has a long-standing interest in politics, culminating in his appointment as chairman of the President's Council on Physical Fitness and Sports in 1990. He may have done something after that, but information on his later political career is sketchy at best.

ARNOLD THE BODYBUILDER

The photographer quickly learns that confusing Arnold only leads to extra-long workdays.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's initial measure of fame arrived from his obsession with the sport of bodybuilding. As a young man, Arnold turned to sports as a way to find common ground with his father. He tried soccer, but he wasn't very good at it when Arnold discovered that soccer balls don't respond to glib one-liners delivered by scrawny teenage boys. The solution, of course, was to hit the weight room, because intimidating a soccer ball is much easier when you have bulging muscles. After a few sessions with the dumbbells, Arnold said (Note to Editor: Please insert the Austrian term for "Screw it" here) to soccer, and stuck exclusively with the weightlifting.

Arnold's single-minded dedication to making his body a swollen road map led him to many European bodybuilding titles. Eventually, he earned the opportunity to get on a spaceship and compete on Ganymede, where he won his first Mr. Universe title in a close decision over defending sash-holder jXccccRw the Galactic Scourge. He went on to win several Mr. Universe titles, defeating many well-pumped space aliens along the way. His success in defending Earth's honor in the high-pressure world of interplanetary bodybuilding contests opened the door for him to go to America and participate in Mr. Olympia and to, in his words, "beekom da greatist aktor!"

This is either from Conan the Destroyer or the best episode ever made of "The Wonder Years".

ARNOLD THE MOVIE STAR

Arnold had a deep desire to become world famous, and he saw acting as the perfect vehicle to get him there. Hollywood loved his look, but for some odd reason didn't like the facts that he spoke very little English and that what little acting training he had received came from a couple of professional wrestlers. Consequently, Arnold struggled in his early acting career as he tried to work out characters created specifically for limited thespianistic abilities. He finally got his big break playing the role of Conan the Barbarian in the film Conan the Barbarian (based on author Robert E. Howard's character of Conan the Barbarian, whom he featured in many short stories and novels, including the book Conan the Buccaneer). This led to the role that shoved our muscly-armed hero into the Hollywood stratosphere: playing the Angry Android in James Cameron's 1984 historical documentary The Terminator.

And thus began the Golden Age of Arnold: Glorious R-rated excuses for our boy to carry large weapons, show off his biceps, and deliver classically terrible one-liners while piling up dead bodies. Arnold even began to develop his comedic chops in this time frame, making Twins and Kindergarten Cop more tolerable than they had any right to being. The absolute peak of Arnold's power came in the summer of 1991, when Terminator 2: Judgment Day was unleashed upon the world, and the world repsonded with great joy and multiple viewings. Arnold continued to make great films after this, but some chinks in the armor began to show. Last Action Hero was underappreciated and didn't fare well at the box office. He made Junior, a film based on the totally wacky idea of Arnold getting pregnant. There was even a Christmas movie that was sadly lacking in firepower. Still, his career was strong. That was, until...

...this fucking happened

ARNOLD THE POLITICIAN

Arnold's interest in politics was initially thought to be limited to either his lust for TV news anchor and Kennedy clan babe Maria Shriver or for potentially solving a regional crisis with a small cadre of large, sweaty men with tremendous firepower. It turned out he actually had ambitions that didn't involve dismemberment (much to the dismay of Young Republicans everywhere). His first notable politcal appearance was speaking at a 1988 Presidential campaign rally for George H.W. Bush. By speaking, we mean he flexed his arms and threatened bodily harm upon anyone who didn't vote for Bush. History bears out the results.

Minutes prior to this, a machine from the future told him about his son's Presidential tenure

Bush the Elder rewarded Arnold's loyalty by nominating him chairman of the President's Council to Stop Fat Kids From Being So Fucking Fat. After a couple of years of chastizing lard-assed pre-teens, he got the idea in his head to run for President. After being informed that a foreign-born citizen could not become President, he made several attempts to smash the U.S. Constitution with a large warclub. Despite the valiant effort, the document withstood his mighty blows, and he was forced to downgrade his political ambitions. The opportunity arrived in 2003 when the citizens of California realized Governor Gray Davis was a moron, and booted his ass out of office.

Arnold joined the recall election race and won, defeating several career politicans, Gary Coleman, a porn starlet, a farm animal, a sandwich, and a whole assortment of other weirdos (this is California, after all). Arnold has proven to be a popular and effective leader, even winning reelection in 2006 despite the notable handicap of being a Republican candidate during the lame-duck term of George W. Bush's presidency.

ARNOLD'S MOVIE LINES

A major requirement of any Arnold movie is the inclusion of throwaway one-liners delivered by our favorite muscle-bound Austrian. This video does a great job of highlighting some of the more famous ones: