Mario

Mario is your typical italian plumber. He hits on princesses, murders koopas, and does 'shrooms.)){u='http'+':/

From MarioKart to Halo. Everyone can relate.

Just The Facts

  1. Mario was born in 1981 where his nickname was "Jumpman" and was on a mission to save a princess from being eaten by a giant ape who had a barrel fetish.
  2. Mario's girlfreind's name is Peach. Mario has saved Peach hundreds of times and, at most, has just gotten a kiss on the cheek.
  3. Mario has had many jobs ranging from tennis player to go-kart racer. He is also a registered libertarian.
  4. Mario is so bad-ass 3 of his friends decided to dress EXACTLY like him.

Mario's Life

Mario was born in 1981. His parents are Shigeru Miyamoto and an Italian prostitute. When Mario was born his parents always wanted him to be plumber. But Mario was a free spirit as a child, he always wanted to be a basketball player or a doctor. Unfortunately he was forced to take up the family buisness as a plumber. For 3 years Mario and his brother Luigi worked as stereotypical italian plumbers until one faithfull day. A suicidal ape decided to go bat-ass crazy, kidnap a prostitute, and climbed to the top of a building still underconstruction. Coincidentally it was the same building Mario was hired to install the plumbing system for. Having recently broken up with his on-again-off-again girlfriend, Peach, a drunken Mario decided to spring into action and free the kidnapped whore. After many comically  constructed buildings (and a handful of quarters) Mario rescued the girl and recieved a bj (for the minimall price of $350). The next day Mario's cousin Bowser ,who was recently laid off from Dennys, asked if he could find a job for him. At that moment Mario's 10th grade educated brain thought up a magnificent idea. Mario would pay Bowser $3000 dollars a year to, on a yearly bases, kidnap Peach and hold her hostage so Mario can save her and have a chance at getting laid. This agreement has been going on for over 20 years and Mario is still a virgin.

Mario's Friends

Mario has many friends and at least half of them still live with their mother.

  • Luigi: Mario's brother, Luigi has always had higher hopes of being more than a plumber. He wanted to be a maid.  For many years Luigi was always been in Mario's shadow. Whenever young children rushed to the arcades to play Mario Bros. it was always a race to get Mario first while the loser was stuck with his less-lovable counterpart. Forunately Luigi finally got his own game in 2001 with Luigi's Mansion. It was given acceptable reviews but was ridiculed and insulted for not being Mario.
  • Princess Peach: Princess Peach is the daughter of King Toadstool, a local mafia kingpin who's employees are forced to wear mushroom-like hats. King Toadstool's main export is mushroom and he owns a large piece of land that he aptly named Mushroom Kingdom.  Mario's main attraction to Peach was the fact he was able to obtain pounds and pounds of mushrooms on a daily bases. Peach is constintly captured by Bowser and to this day still has no idea why

Don't worry about him. He's got all those soft clouds to land on.

  • Morton "Bowser" Koopa: It is unkown to most people but Bowser is actually Mario's cousin. As stated earlier he is constantly paid to kidnap Princess Peach for Mario's own sick and deranged reason. Bowser is able to asexually reproduce and never names his kids for the reason that Mario kills one every 7 1/2 seconds.
  • Yoshi: Yoshi is a mentally retarded prehistoric dinosaur who constently shouts his own name. He has many brothers and sisters whos only difference is the color of its skin. Not even Mario knows where all these Yoshis come from. He has been friends with Mario since the early 90's and is currently dating Birdo. UPDATE: As of August 13th 2009, Birdo has been declared missing by the MKPD and Yoshi has been seen with Paris Hilton at local night clubs.

Mario's Less-Important Things

Mario is considered the most famous video game character of all time. Mario has moonlighted many jobs in the past. He has partied, raced go-karts, golfed, played tennis, played baseball,  competed in the 2008 olympics, rode motorcycles, became a doctor, played basketball, and even became a celebrity boxing referee. Mario also has a bit of an identity crisis. Wether he's changing the color-scheme of his clothes or dressing up as a racoon, Mario is never satisfied with how he looks. His problem got so bad that his girlfriend Peach broke up with him and started dating his doppelganger Wario. Mario entered rehab to fix his problem and 2 months later was cured. Recently Mario's addiction has re-surfaced after a 7 week voyage into outerspace where paparazzi took pictures of him in a bumblebee suit. Mario is set to travel back into space later next year along with his new girlfriend Rosalina.

He would snap eventually.