Bill Clinton was the 42nd president of the United States, serving from 1992 to 2000. Today, he operates as an international super-hero specializing in retrieving hot Asian chicks from hostile regimes.
Clinton was born as William Jefferson Blythe III in Hope, Arkansas in 1946. He took his current name from the man who raised him, an alcoholic philandering Southern Cadillac dealer. That last sentence should put the 1990's into better perspective after some small amount of reflection.
His taste for politics was apparently triggered upon meeting John F. Kennedy as a Boys Nation senator in 1963. Of course, if we'd witnessed first-hand Kennedy's previously established three woman a day boning habit at seventeen years of age, we'd probably have been pretty anxious to break into his field, too.
"Welcome to the White House son, booze to the left, hot interns to the right."
He graduated with a BSFS from Georgetown, which is a degree in kissing foreign people's asses, a skill he later put to much use. After his undergrad, he was awarded a Rhodes Scholarship and went to Oxford to do what most American kids were going to California to do at the time. That is, smoke pot, organize "protests" which usually resembled modern-day jam festivals, and dodge the draft. Since pot is awesome, a party is a party, and the thought of going to fight in Vietnam is rectum-contractingly terrifying, none of these things seem like particularly bad moves to us. Nevertheless, they made for repeated cannon fodder by conservative opponents in future elections.
While still in college, Clinton took a job heading up George McGovern's presidential campaign in Texas, perhaps the most doomed command post in that state since the Alamo. The hopelessness of the cause gave Bill plenty of time to get high with Stephen Spielberg, however, so he did not complain.
In 1975 he joined forces with a transdimentional she-demon temporarily inhabiting a human host named Hillary Rodham. The being's true purpose was to use Bill as a passage to power over the United States government. According to prophesy, this occurrence could only be avoided by the intercession of "he who is smooth, black, and rides on waves of Hope (tm)". Theologians are still hard at work deciphering the meaning of this particular passage.
Hillary, seen here in an early attempt to learn the custom of "smiling" from her human consort.
By 1978, Bill Clinton's powers were mighty enough to get him elected the governor of Arkansas. He became relatively popular there working on the state's roads and schools, because you'll always have a way to look busy if you pretend to be fixing those. His efforts were a rousing success, which is why when you think of educational brilliance and proper highway maintainence today, you think "Arkansas". During this time, his she-demon parasite was laying low, leading a committee on urban health care reform in a state with no cities and spawning him one human child in 1980, daughter Chelsea.
Aside from a brief bump out of office in the early 80's, Clinton remained governor until his Presidential run in 1992. During this period, he is most well known for a speech at the 1988 Democratic National Convention in Atlanta that was a little too boring, and a series of land deals in Arkansas that were a little too shady.
In 1992, Bill Clinton was elected President of the United States of America on the strength of his saxophone playing skills. His Presidency was marked by several notable moments.
Clinton introduced the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy into the US Military, ensuring that gays and lesbians had the right to serve fully in the armed forces, as long as they didn't tell anyone, ever. Aside from making it damn near impossible to get a date like this, it also meant that servicemen and women couldn't get benefits for their partners, etc. It was curious position to negotiate, considering the President is also the Commander-In-Chief of the armed forces, and could therefore have allowed gays into the military any way he pleased with a direct order. This is a notable piece of political history in that Bill managed to get everyone involved to agree on something... even if that something was that "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was about the dumbest shit they'd ever heard of.
"Welcome to basic. Your first standing order is to never tell me if you likc cock."
As with any President, Clinton dealt with his fair share of crises. These included a domestic terrorist attack in Oklahoma City and a series of small-scale military incursions Two such incursions went as well as these things generally do; that is to say we won, and one went horribly wrong and resulted in a movie where you get to see Jeremy Piven die in a helicopter crash.
Fortunately, the American people and their government learned some lessons about constant vigilance and limiting the power of the Chief Executive. And never again did America suffer a terrorist attack or engage in an unpopular foreign war for ambiguous reasons.
For about seven months.
But the Clinton Presidency was far from doom and gloom. The economy recovered from a recession in the early 1990's and boomed healthily, scoring Clinton the aforementioned balanced budget and surplus. The streets were paved with gold, the suburbs multiplied like maggots on the corpse of common decency, and rims were invented.
Also, the internet boomed into the world during this period, helped in no small part by Clinton himself. In addition to being the first president to have a White House web page, Clinton heavily pushed government, military, and the court system online in an effort that eventually culminated in an executive order telling all departments of government to get their ass on the internet befor it was completely overrun by porn sites. In this they failed miserably, but Bill can effectively be called the first friend the internet has ever had in the White House. The internet, with the humility and grace it would come to be known for, responded by breaking a story about a semen-stained dress and catapulting Matt Drudge into cultural relevance.
"Even I didn't know who the fuck I was."
Which brings us to the part everyone already knows about. In late 1998, Bill Clinton became on the second US President in history to be impeached. What near-treasonous act prompted such a harsh reprimand from Congress? What vile breach of trust laid low this great and powerful leader?
Boning the fat chick who answered the mail.
Clinton, obviously still in the mad throes of the intern fetish he'd received from his Kennedy visit, had a limited and retch-inducing affair of some variety with Monica Lewinsky, a girl whose youthful indiscretions sullied her familiy name to the point her father has actually threated legal action to try and clean it up. Once this was in the wind, what would normally be an embarrassing revelation about declining standards and presidential mistresses instead became the media circus that would NOT GO AWAY.
In the end, justice was served. And by justice, I mean an entire presidency effectively summed up by the balls it takes to tell everyone in America that a cigar up the ol' velvet squirrel trap doesn't qualify as "sexual relations".
Bubba spent most of the first eight years after he left office getting disbarred, surviving heart disease, and watching every international relationship he'd fostered on the planet explode into a cloud of fucktardedness and crazy.
In 2004, he campaigned on behalf of John Kerry in his bid for the Presidency. The following side-by-side comparison:
"No, point more like this... now try not to look like a shitty animatronic when you smile... Man, this just ain't working."
...basically served to remind the Democrats how shallow the barrel can be when you've been scraping it for four years. The ensuing depression enabled George W. Bush to be elected to a second term in office, effectively blowing the minds of everyone from Europe, Los Angeles, and New York.
In 2008, Clinton's contract ran out with the dark powers, and he was forced into assisting in a campaign of evil to bring the Rodham-demon to the White House. It was a plan doomed to failure however, and in the end Bill's soul was spared, while Hillary was banished to do work overseas.
Sweet Jesus, that was a close one.
It seemed as though the story of Bill Clinton could draw to a peaceful close, with the former president retiring to some secluded villa attended to by women with perpetual low self-esteem bearing cigars worth more than the houses they grew up in. Unfortunately, fate had other plans for proud Bubba. And soon his finely-honed powers of bullshittery would be put to their ultimate test.
In August of 2009, at the request of Al Gore, Bill Clinton quickly and in near-secrecy conducted the release of two American journalists arrested in North Korea and sentenced to twelve years of whatever unimaginable hellish sub-humanity Kim Jong Il calls "hard labor".
And how did he pull this off, precisely? What insane combination of diplomacy, guile, and black-suited Clancy-esque uber-ninjas was employed to effect this great escape?
Actually, he just kinda showed up and asked for their release. Seriously. That's right, Bill Clinton is SUCH a smooth-talking bullshitter, that he just showed up in a hostile communist country, essentially unannounced, and TALKED a ruthless dictator into giving up two American hostages. In about a day and a half.
"Your captive women are right this way... please don't step on me."
And so the legend of Bill Clinton has come to a close, at least for now. What the future may bring is uncertain, but what is certain is that Bill, and his Arkansas-born powers of bullshittery, will come out smelling like roses every time.