Sluts
A slut is a woman who has sex with significantly more people than the majority of society deems fit. For a good rule of thumb, consult the equation below.
Just The Facts
- The average American woman has sex with 5 men in her lifetime.
- The average American man has sex with 12 women in his lifetime.
- Sluts are the brave women at the edge of the bell curve who make the above statistics possible.
Our Love/Hate Relationship with Sluts
Super Slut
Why Men Love Sluts
1. They will have sex with us. Dirty, raunchy sex.
2. And we don't have to try hard, either.
Why Men Hate Sluts
1. Herpes.
2. Sleeping with a slut diminishes the pride of a sexual conquest. It's like beating Level 1 of a video game.
3. Don't fall in love with a slut, she will only cheat on you.
Why Women Love Sluts
1. Makes them look better by comparison.
2. Every time the sluts get sluttier, the "normal" girls can get half as much sluttier as well, while still appearing "normal". What was considered slutty 50 years ago is pretty tame today.
Why Women Hate Sluts
1. Jealous of all the attention from men.
2. Sluts will sleep with your boyfriend and not feel bad about it.
Slut enthusiasts.
What Makes a Slut a Slut?
There are no hard-and-fast rules for determining what makes a slut a slut. The Slut Equation is a decent measurement for American females but the true definition of "slut" can only be defined within the confines of a woman's own culture.
According to this article the United States ranks 12th in the world for number of sex partners. #1 is Turkey, which sounds like bullshit to us. #2 was Australia, which seems entirely plausible.
By these standards, an American woman with an average number of sexual partners might be considered tame in at least 11 other countries, while she might be considered a total skank in other parts of the world.
If you're not sure whether or not you are a slut, consult the following list.
You might be a slut if....
...you've ever hooked up at a funeral.
...you've ever written your own phone number on a men's room wall.
...you have all 3 kinds of herpes and got them from different people.
...you can't get off anymore without a Hitachi magic wand.
...there's a video of you having sex on the internet and someone else is making money off of it.
...you have been diagnosed as a Nymphomaniac or Sex Addict which is a real and very serious condition and not at all the sort of thing people should be laughing about.
Slut FAQs
What's the difference between a Slut and a Ho?
A Ho, or Whore, is not a genuine Slut because she gets payed. Real Sluts are slutty out of the kindness of their hearts.
How do I let guys know that I am a Slut, and am therefore available to them?
Slutty clothing is the best choice, since that can be identified from a distance. Lower back tattoos are also a great way to advertise. If you're at a bar/club/party where alcohol is being served, get drunk and then proceed to tell men that you are "soooo drunk!" while falling onto them.
What if I have gotten an unfair reputation as a Slut?
Securing a steady, long-term boyfriend is the best way to stave off false accusations of slutiness. If you're having trouble finding a boyfriend, we suggest advertising on Craigslist.com or AshleyMadison.com.
Can men be Sluts?
We certainly try.
If I have sex with a guy I just met, does that make me Slut?
Not if it's just once, but making this a recurring behavior will help you achieve slut-hood quickly.
What if I keep my virginity, but give lots of BJs?
Using the Slut Equation, BJs count as 1/2 of a sexual partner. HJs count as 1/3. ZJs count as 1/5.
Sluts In Their Natural Habitat
The party slut.
The club slut.
Guy in background is saying "Dude, I am totally going to bang that slut over there."
The reflexive t-shirt slut.
MySpace sluts.
Rock sluts.
Professional sluts.
Glowstick sluts?
Probably a dude.
Celebrity slut.
Anime slut.
Soon-to-be slut.
How can you have "all three kinds of herpes" when there are only two: HSV-1 and HSV-2?!! Or were you counting herpes zoster as well which is the one causing chicken pox??? (sorry for focusing on the wrong stuff XD
ReplyThe equation states that a 100 hundred year old woman would be a s**t if in her life time she slept with over 18 men. This means that, even if she only became sexually active at 20, she could only sleep with about 1 man every 5 years. That is f*****g retarded.
ReplyA woman can't have sex after about 55 though
Heh..."Slut Girl"...Good choice based on the title...but it's a manga (Japanese comic book), not anime (Japanese animation).
Reply...Sorry, I'm an English Major, I take grammar and definitions seriously, damnit!
Truly sir you are a connoisseur of slutery, brilliantly humourous article!
Reply