## Time

You either have too much of it, or not enough.

### Just The Facts

1. Everyone knows what time is. Bet you can't define it without Googling though.
2. Time is a fundamental quantity in physics.
3. Time is an obsession for everyone over 12 years old. People below 12 years old are obsessed with fart jokes if boys, ponies if girls and Barbie if confused.
4. "Time!!" is the most feared phrase in the UK.

### How Time Plays Tricks

Time likes to play tricks on us. And, like a practical joker that can kick your ass, you just have to put up with them

All our definitions of time state that it is invariable. One second is as long as the next second. One year is as long as the next year. Using this idea, we can pretty much guarantee that when you say to a girl "I'll meet you in Starbucks at 5:30" and she doesn't show, it is more likely your lack of basic hygeine and social skills that are at fault, rather than her watch running at a different rate than yours. Of course, it could be her time of the month, but that is a topic for another day.

Her watch must be running slow.

Sadly, people do not see time as regular. People see time in three ways: time, slow time and fast time. And this is where time's dickishness comes in. You cannot pick! Regular time is always the run of the mill shit - eating, watching TV, chatting, driving. But the instant you do something fun, old father time decides to go for a sprint.

• Playing a game for a few minutes? It has actually been three hours and the raid hasn't even started yet
• Winning a fight? Never mind - you'll never know about that.
• Sex with a beautiful woman? It seems like only five seconds before she says "GET OFF! Your time is up, that'll be \$500 please"

Of course, sometimes it REALLY only takes 5 seconds

The reverse happens too. If you are bored or in pain, time drags. Every minute is an hour. You know this, we all remember Algebra class, and being on the recieving end of a beating.

The advantage of slow time - 8 hours sleep in 40 minutes

However, Time has one more joke on you up it's sleeve. Time is important - punctuality, deadlines, you boss all scream. It is as vital a part of your life as your morning shower (Ed: wrong audience) daily Cracked check - indeed the way you actually define your life. Then science tells you time doesn't exist. There is no past or future. Just a changing now.

Fuck you, Science

Our brain hurts too.

### Timelines

As time is difficult for people to conceive, the timeline, a graphic representation of time, has come into fashion. The scales may vary, but they all have one thing in common. Pre humanity is always "Who Cares"

We were going to 'shop a Timeline, then found this. Thank you NASA - it is fucking awesome!