McDonald's is an American based, worldwide corporation and (depending on your definition of food) restaurant chain specializing in quick, inexpensive, and indigestion-causing meals.

Look at the smug bastard. He knows the same thing you know, deep down; no matter how shitty the food, you will be back.

Just The Facts

  1. McDonald's is the world's largest fast-food chain. This is not a pun on how McDonald's is associated with obesity, but it works as that too.
  2. Well-known menu items of McDonald's include the Big Mac, Quarter Pounder, McChicken, and the Angus Burger.
  3. McDonald's targets children aggresively, with Happy Meals that include small toys and many locations featuring indoor playgounds.
  4. They also use a well known mascot, Ronald McDonald, for this, apparently oblivious to the fact that kids fucking hate clowns.

An introduction to McDonalds part I: The Menu

McDonald's food is famous worldwide for it's bland, mediocre, yet somehow intoxicatingly addictive food. Cullinary experts are divided as to why the food is so habit-forming; one school of thought is that the genetic growth modifiers used on McDonald's beef cows creates

An introduction to McDonald's part II: The Customer

While there are many different people that eat at McDonald's, they all have a common theme; they all hate their life. All McDonald's customers fall into one of these catagories of anger:

  • Self-loathing obese people.
  • People with with small children, who they resent for being in the fun stage of their lives as they force their parents out of it.
  • Drunk and/or stoned people who fill the void inside themselves with drugs and cheap food.
  • Stressed-out business people without enough time to prepare good food for themselves.
  • Depressed lower-class people without enough money to prepare good food for themselves.

Rumors of happy, fit and generally nice people who eat at McDonald's are greatly exaggerated. Because all McDonald's customers are angry people to begin with, they are prone to fits of rage if their food is too cold/too hot/uncooked/overcooked/dirty/full of foreign objects (and it likely is one or more of these things). They will angrily yell and/or complain to the nearest minimum-wage making employee, who will then stare appathetically or give them sass. This in turn increases the fury of the customer, resulting in what scientists call "the cycle of McRage".

An introduction to McDonald's part III: The Employee

For this part of the topic, I needed an insider. In preperation, I actually got a job at McDonald`s last May, and have since been keeping up the pretence of actually working there all the while researching for this article. A year and 3 months of exhaustive studying and first-hand knowledge have gone into this section of the topic, so I can assure you it is 100% true.

McDonald's employees generally fall into one of 2 catagories:

  • Young people willing to sell their soul for $8 an hour
  • Old people who have somehow supported themselves through their entire life for $8 an hour.

The reason no middle aged employees exist is because when the young employees reach ages from 20-25 they generally quit to either:

  • Finish their schooling and get a real job
  • Sell/do crystal meth.

McDonald's employees are considered the laziest and most uncaring people on the Earth. Spending your days working in the cruel, unforgiving world that is the McDonald`s kitchen will turn your heart cold, ruin your motivation and eventually extinguish the light in your soul entirely. While there are other jobs more traumatic and soul-crushing, most of them pay more than minimum wage, so at least those people have the solace of decent money. Because McDonald's employees work in such an uncaring environment for so little, they could care less about their job and, by extension, the customer. This is why food quality is poor, customer service is virtually nonexistant, and the experience is as a whole unsatisfying. One of the worst jobs within the job is dish washing duty. Unreasonable time constraints are assigned by managers, who after so many years in the McSystem see employees as little more than mindless underlings. Because it is literally impossible to do a good job of washing the thousands of grease-caked utensils, the job becomes less about ensuring the dish is clean and more about ensuring the dish looks reasonably clean under minimal inspection. Because of this, dishes may go as long as forever* without being properly sanitized. This bare-minimum work ethic is not restricted to just dish washing however: the grill team, batch cookers, truck unloaders, cleaners, and, as I'm sure you've experienced in real life, cashiers all strictly adhere to the idea of doing the smallest amount of work possible without being fired.

On the plus side, employees get the McRib for half price when we ressurect it every few years, so it all equals out.

*This claim may be unsupported by facts, however, I dare you to make a good counter-argument.