Orphan

"Orphan" is a 2009 horror film directed by Jaume Collet-Serra about a couple who adopt what is presumably the child from hell.

There's something wrong with Esther, all right. Her face has been ravaged by the evil Photoshop.

Just The Facts

  1. Heavily marketed as having a twist ending. The commercials taunt, "You'll never guess her secret."
  2. You will totally guess her secret.
  3. There are spoilers in this article.

IN A NUTSHELL

"Orphan" opens when Kate Coleman (Vera Farmiga) gives birth to a stillborn fetus. So naturally, she and husband John (Peter Sarsgaard) need to replace it by adopting. Because dammit, they're just not happy with the 2 kids they already have. They adopt 9 year old Esther (Isabelle Fuhrman) from a Catholic orphanage. Unfortunately.....(SPOILERS, PEOPLE)

SERIOUSLY, SPOILERS

I WARNED YOU

Unfortunately, Esther is not really a little girl at all, but a 33 year old angry, sex crazed dwarf who desperately wants to bone her new adopted dad. Seriously. My keyboard feels dirty after writing that sentence.

We are supposed to pretend that this isn't a rehash of The Bad Seed, The Omen, The Good Son, and Joshua. I mean, the evil child HAS A SECRET this time, people. Come on, now.

CHARACTERS

ESTHER: Supposedly 9 year old orphan of the title. Is really 33 years old and has a form of dwarfism. Esther gets her jollies by pretending to be a child in order to be adopted, infiltrate her new family, and kill everyone but the dad so she can screw him. And if he dares refuse her, she kills him too. Esther is very crafty at hiding her true age and succeeds in this by wearing ridiculously old fashioned dresses to hide her figure.

KATE: Adoptive mother. Used to have a drinking problem, which reappears after Esther arrives and starts her whole psycho bitch routine. Has an odd obsession with making sure nobody locks the door while they're showering.

JOHN: Adoptive father. Clueless idiot. Killed by Esther. (Also...John and Kate? Really? The jokes write themselves)

DANIEL: Annoying little jackass son of John and Kate. Is set on fire by Esther. Unfortunately lives.

MAX: 6 year old deaf daughter of John and Kate. Only character with any redeeming qualities whatsoever. Lives.