Mummies

Mummies began in 6000 BC, when a man fell into a pit of salt while practicing the ancient art of salt-dancing. The ancient Egyptians found him and started worshipping him as a God. Nobody knows why, but it was probably because there wasn't much to do in ancient Egypt except build small racing cars out of sand, and they hadn't even invented racing cars yet.

Egyptians later abandoned the art of mummification after they discovered that mummies are inherently cursed and will go around extracting their revenge on hapless bystanders. Unfortunately, by the time they realized this, there were already 800,000 mummies loose in the state of Egypt. Hundreds of thousands of shotgun round later, the war was over, but Ancient Egyptian society never recovered. Humanity had learnt its lesson: don't mess with mummies.

Or had it?

In the late nineteenth and early twentieth century, several dark sorcerors from England became interested in destroying the human race by attempting to resurrect mummies. The most famous of these is Howard Carter, whose opening of the tomb of the mummified Tutankhamun led to the immediate slaughter of 29 000 people. Tutankhamun's coffin is now kept in a secret storage facility near the Ark of the Covenant, but it is sometimes brought out on display at the British Museum.

Above: Howard Carter

Today, mummy related deaths amount to approximately 26 per year worldwide.

The best way to defend yourself against a mummy attack is to avoid one altogether. The best way to do this is to attach a small bell to your clothing when traveling in mummy-populated areas. This will prevent you from accidentally surprising a mummy, which could lead to a possible attack.

If you do run into a mummy, the following strategies can help:

• Talk to and call out to the mummy in a loud voice.
• Raise your hands over your head. This will make you look bigger to the mummy.
• Don't run away; the mummy will chase you. Instead, back away slowly.
• Counter-curse the mummy by invoking the name of the ancient sun-god, Aten-Ra and his flock of wrathful eagles.

Extreme sports are popular all over the world. From sky-diving to scuba-diving to puma-pestering, part of the appeal of an extreme sport is the danger involved. In this respect Self Mummification is one of the most extreme. It is a dangerous hobby that requires years of dedication. First one must become a Mahayama Buddhist. Then comes the special diet of nuts and seeds, and the intense physical regimen of exercise. After 1,000 days of diet and exercise, the aspiring mummy should have a body free of fat and is now ready to switch to a more extreme diet of bark, roots and poison for another 1,000 days. This ensures that lots of fluids are vomited away, and that the body is too poisonous for maggots to eat.

Now that the preperation is over, the monk is ready to begin. He is sealed in a tiny stone tomb just large enough for him to sit in the lotus position. Inside the tomb with him is a drying agent, such as lime. He is given a bell and a tube to breath through. Every day a monk comes by to check on him. If he rings the bell he is still alive. If not the tube is sealed up and he is left for another 1,000 days.

After that time the tomb is opened, and the monk is scored on a scale of "mummy" to "not mummy." If he is a mummy he is considered a "Living Buddha" and put on display in the Hall of Fame, surrounded by gold. If not he is invited to try again next year.

Most attempts at self mummification fail, and there are only about twenty four preserved self mummies around today. However, due to the dangerous nature of the sport Japan has banned the practice of self mummification. There may be underground self-mummification leagues active somewhere in the world, but we wouldn't know about that. We definitely wouldn't suggest going to Cleopatra's Cafe in Odessa Texas and ordering the Pigs in a Blanket with Poison Tea, and winking a lot.

One of the reasons Egyptian Mummies are so infamous is their ability to bestow curses. These curses used to be quite frequent. In fact they were the leading cause of death among British Explorers at one point. Now, sadly, a true mummy's curse is a rare occurrence.

If you have been cursed, how can you determine if your curse is a true mummy's curse and not just an ordinary hexing? Well, there are certain indicators that, to the untrained eye, might seem unimportant, but to an expert in hexology point immediately to the curse of a mummy:

• You have encountered more than the usual amount of baboons recently.
• Scarabs. Possibly crawling out of your mouth or eye sockets.
• Vultures circle you everywhere you go. Even if you live in a major metropolitan area.
• Cats hiss at you more than they used to.
• Gypsies hiss at you more than they used to.
• You recently stole from a mummy's burial chamber.
• You recently cut a mummy off in traffic. It's easy to tell if they are a mummy because mummies all drive cars shaped like a sarcophagus.
• You have visions of Ancient Egyptian Royalty pointing at you and then doing that thing where they slide a finger across their throat. Like they are slitting their throat, you know? Is there a name for that?

Any one of these items can be a strong indicator that you are the victim of a genuine Dreaded Mummy's Curse. Congratulations!