Celebrity Kids

Although the children of celebrities have not, and probably will never accomplish anything, they will always be better than you.

That kid has a pretty sweet afro.

Violet Affleck and her ....well for lack of a better word we'll call it a smile.

Suri Cruise in one of her

Just The Facts

  1. Celebrities love to be known for their creativity, and what better way to showcase that than by appointing their otherwise bland children with names like Apple, Pilot Inspektor, and Moon Unit.
  2. Two gorgeous stars do not necessarily mean pretty kids. Hell Rumer Willis is lucky to be called homely.
  3. Celebrity children go to the best schools, and have limitless resources at their fingertips. At the end of the day, you're probably still smarter. Yes you. A cracked reader.

The evolution of celebrity accessories.

So when I saw Paris Hilton toting her dog around like a purse for the first time, I was both confused as to why the fuck she would do that, and relieved at the thought that this was as bad as it could get. I was wrong. Now celebrities are carrying their children around as accessories. And I guess I could understand their thought process. While dogs are cute and all, no one can really say "oh look how cute it is! Just like their owner!" Unless of course the dog is a scottish terrier and belongs to freddie mercury.

Dogs are fun to dress and all, but there are some limitations. Dogs cannot wear heels. That leads me to the conclusion that dogs are in fact retarded because Suri Cruise manages to walk in heels and she's like two. Also, big name designers do not make dog clothes but some do make clothing for children. And stars LOVE designers. Speaking of love, (pretty cool transition) (not really) Dogs will love you unconditionally. Normally celebrities like unconditional love, but it kind of sucks to be a dog because eventually the star will start getting bored of a dog's love. When stars are unconditionally loved by hoardes of fans, they make money. In comparison to those fans, directors and designers handing out free clothes, dogs sort of have shit to offer their owners. Quite literally actually. And I didn't even plan that pun out. Kids on the other hand will love their parents up until their rebellious stage which is also when they stop being cute, quite conveniently. Children will still provide good press, while not asking for any love in return, just money. And it costs a lot less to finance your kids coke habit than it does to hire a publicity agent. (Probably)