Errol Flynn was an Australian actor, known for his romantic swashbuckler roles in Hollywood films and his flamboyant lifestyle.
Errol Flynn was born in Tasmania in 1909 and promptly lost his virginity to some fat chick. It was the start of a life of buggery. Eventually he started his secondary education in a school in Sydney but was expelled for sausaging a teacher and beating up some Emo (probably) punk. He then started adventuring for essentially the rest of his life.
He moved out to the outback where he got a job castrating sheep. A solid, wholesome job one would think but no, Flynn buggered the owners daughter and had to make a quick escape. Off he went to Papau New Guinea where he went treasure hunting which was unsuccessful. He took control of a coconut plantation but soon got eventually got sick of having sex with the native population and went back to Australia. However the lure of Papau New Guinea was too great and Flynn went back in the role of a sanitation officer. But that didnt go to well either, whilst out on some sort of top secret sanitation mission he ended up shooting and killing a native. However he got off free with it, in court he provided his own defence and claimed it was all in self defence because that crazy ass Guinean was going to eat him. Or Something.
After stealing some diamonds and dabbled in slave trading he had pretty much done everything there is to do in the South Seas, so Flynn made for England. He stopped in the Philippines and got caught up in the reputable world of cock fighting. Flynn was far too sneaky for those silly Filipinos and became the Master Cock Man TM by sharpening the birds beak, hollowing it out and filling it with poison.
Eventually he made his way to England and got a job as an actor in a troupe, filmed some rubbish film, someone saw it, and then this happened
Ah Captain Blood, the Scourge of the Seas, the Rascal of the....er....Seas
Captain Blood was a huge success, turning Flynn into a huge star. Over the next few years Flynn pumped out the classics including The Adventures of Robin Hood, The Sea Hawk and Dodge City in which he practically date raped Olivia de Havilland
Off the screen he was living the dream although married to sex kitten Lili Damita he bedded scores of lovely ladies and dabbled in all sorts of fun substances. He was banned from drinking on the set of one movie, but got around that by injecting vodka into his oranges.
Eventually he got sick of his wife, who I imagine was always nagging him not to be such a pimp and he went off to get killed in the Spanish Civil War. Well he didnt get killed but a hospital fell down around him and his Communist friends. Oh ya I forgot to mention his Communist friends. But that was when Communists weren't the genocidal maniacs we know and love today so thats less bad I guess. He eventually got sick of the sexy senoritas and when he returned to America tried to enlist in all branches of the armed forces but was refused due to an irregular heart beat. Cynics labelled him a Nazi spy as most of his peers were off killing Hitler in Europe. I'm looking at you Jimmy Stewart.
Then he had a rape case. Two under age girls. He got off of course. But he did it. He says as much in his autobiography. His defence which was incredibly shoddy yet suprisingly effective was that they didn't look underage, which makes it OK. I'll have to remember that for my own impending case. He even had time to meet, court and marry the young clerkess who worked in the courthouse, who was one of the arresting officers daughters. Nice.
There's a notorious story about Flynn and his drinking buddies which I shall regale to you now. John Barrymore (grandfather of Drew) was one of Flynns closest friends and lived a similiar hedonistic lifestyle. Anyways he died, as most people eventually do and film director Raoul Walsh "borrowed" Barrymore's body after the funeral, and left his corpse propped in a chair for a drunken Flynn to discover when he returned home from a night out on the tiles. Unsuprisigly he shat a brick when he came home. Metaphorical Bricks.
He kept on spewing out the movies-All of them classics may I add- but eventually his flagrant lifestyle caught up with him and he ran out of money and he sailed the oceans blue. He was by now in his fourties but had become a bloated parody of his womanizing, alcohol consuming, brawling self. He still had his womanizing ways of course and his conquests included a young Brigette Bardot
He travelled to Cuba, became close personal friends with a certain young Fidel Castro and was a strong supporter of La Revolucion
Flynn died on the 14th of October 1959 after suffering a massive heart attack in the bathroom of a Canadians house allegedly whilst partaking in a bout of sexy intercourse. As the man himself said 'I like this half of life best and I want to live it to the hilt'. He certainly did that. Hollywood is seriously lacking a Flynn like character nowadays, his life was often times more outlandish than many of the movies he starred in. He also holds the record for being the most arrested Hollywood A-Lister of all time. Until Elijah Wood goes on a killing spree in 2021