So you found your Prince Charming and you are ready to move into the suburbs, drive a used minivan for the rest of your life and gain at least 50lbs. Sounds like it is time for your next step- The Bachelorette Party!
Just The Facts
- Your bachelorette party is the perfect time to market yourself as a two dollar whore, on sale for half off with a Suck for a Buck t-shirt. Just write Suck for a Buck on a white t-shirt with a Sharpie, then sew on lifesavers and walk into a room full of drunk men.
- It is easy to become the center of attention by turning yourself into a dildo unicorn (see photo above). Strap a dildo to your head and pass out rings to strangers for a creative game of ring toss. Appropriate prizes for winners include condoms and your hotel room number.
- Get a memorable stripper. Call your local agency and request a hung midget, or a very believable she-male who will pose as your cousin Kim for the first part of the party, only to later straddle you, reveal his junk and start humping your forehead later in the party.
- Skip the cutsie cake from the local bakery and call an erotic bakery who ships male torso cakes with detailed, fat, uncut penises threatening to erupt from their fondant CK underwear. These bakeries ship nation-wide. Just imagine the fun when you throw the candied penis to your circle of drunk overw
- The best bachelorette parties don't just desecrate, they decorate with crepe paper testicle centerpieces, penis straws and blow-up dolls. Let your party guests imaginations run wild with some toys from the local adult store, including vibrating rubber anuses, small bottles of lube and 16 inch black
Your Countdown to a Lack of Freedom Party
The wedding date is set, and there are just a few days until you are legally entitled to at least 25% of all his future earnings for child support for any post honeymoon 'surprises.'
This is your last night of true freedom*. So destroy the last bit of your dignity before handing yourself over to your sweaty groom and take advantage of your last chance to have a bachelorette party. ** Give yourself something to reminisce fondly over when you are a Soccer Mom on Jenny Craig who attends PTA meetings for fun and sells Avon on the side. For some great ideas, check out the helpful party tips and links below.
*In a nationwide study, more than 65% of women have admitted to cheating. So whether it is the bride's 'last night of freedom' is kind of debatable.
**Chances of a divorce in America are more than 50%, so odds are good that another opportunity for a bachelorette party will present itself.
A smiling penis makes for a festive table centerpiece.
Helpful Party Hint #1- Post the pictures online AFTER the opportunity for an annulment have passed. This is about one month in many states.
She added a condom for every guy she slept with while engaged to Dan.
Helpful Party Hint #2- DO use protection when sleeping with your groom-to-be's best friends or brothers on the night of the party or anytime before or after. DNA tests are inexpensive and accurate these days. The only exception to this rule is if your soon to be hubby has an identical twin (they have matching DNA so it doesn't matter which one fathers your baby!)
Roll in kitty litter for an authentic French cock smell.
Helpful Party Tip #3- Fill condoms with yogurt, tie ends and insert in pinata for a special suprise for your bachelorette party.
Nothing beats a Dong Bong for a high class bachelorette party.
Helpful Party Hint #4- Buy a Dong Bong and alternate pouring beer and goat milk down the funnel to spice up the conversation.