Online Dating Guides

This article was difficult to write for the smell of bullshit that permeated the room. The source of this odor? An article by David DeAngelo on dating, specifically breaking the ice and initiating conversations with women. DeAngelo is apparently the author of a book called "Double Your Dating" as well as "Herpes for Dummies" and "A Lonely Planet Guide to Brothels" (note: the latter two may well have been made up for the purpose of slandering David DeAngelo).

In this particular piece of prose, DeAngelo claims that the best way to get a girl to like you is to make fun of them, which we're actually inclined to agree with. Playful, flirtatious teasing can be rather endearing and can really make a girl laugh. The problem is that this little nugget of information doesn't warrant a book or any accolades. Also, DeAngelo doesn't just want to share his pick-up tips, he wants to change the way you think and act. He wants to control a league of ubermensch-whores. His "fans" too, aren't the sharpest tools in the shed (but damned if they ain't the biggest!). The other problem is his tendency to capitalize seemingly arbitrary words.

Here's a "Success Story"...

The other night I was at a burger joint near my office...The line had snaked around, and a group of three cuties was standing in front of my table...I had a bunch of fries in front of me, I made eye contact and...she said, "Wow those look good. Can I?"...I offered her one of my fries. She dipped it in my cup of ketchup, and right as she popped it in her mouth, I looked her in the eye and said "By the way, I double-dip".

What does that even mean? We know what it means but...is that meant to be flirtatious innuendo?

In the space of two seconds, her expressions ranged from shock at my brashness, to wondering whether she should be grossed out, to laughing.

Sounds to us like she was having a stroke. But we're guessing her expressions more likely ranged from confusion to disgust to an unmistakable look of 'about to mace someone'. DeAngelo then responds to his minion's letter.

Nice! Well, I think my favorite line in your email was "...women hate how desperation smells..."

Just like dogs.

It caught the unmistakable scent of desperation.

Women can "smell" it because women are approximately TEN TIMES better at reading body language than men.

This jackass clearly doesn't know the difference between "approximate" and "figure I pulled out of my ass".

Start with your posture. Lift your chest. Lean back, not forward. Leaning forward is usually a "needy" signal. Leaning back is usually a signal of strength.

This is bad news for any hunchbacks out there looking to get some.

Slow down your movements. Fast movements convey nervousness and skittishness. Slow movements convey self control and strength.

Slow movements also convey multiple sclerosis and other neurological disorders.

It's a good idea to take some time and study the body language of guys who are successful with women. Watch closely, and pay attention to EVERYTHING.

Yeah, everywhere you go you should be studying guys. Keep your eye on guys. Look for guys and watch them closely. Go to places where there are many guys that are good at talking to women, like a gay bar.

Even though something doesn't SEEM like it's important, it probably is.

This is better used as advice for married men, not single men.

I have a good friend who holds his drink a certain way when he's talking to a woman that he's interested in. He does it almost every time. Is it important? You do the math.

We've done the math and no, it's not important, at all. Now here are a few words from a woman. This is essential for this jackass to increase his credibility and lend some verisimilitude to his crap.

I met a guy online several months ago...

Okay, good start.

He'd always point out some imperfection of mine and blow it all out of proportion and talk about how it just wasn't going to work out because of all my flaws (kidding the whole time, of course) ... one being the fact that I'm not particularly very well endowed in the chest region. A modest 38B. So after we met that first time, he walked me to my car that night, and as he turned to walk towards his car, he paused and turned back long enough to say "oh, and you're right, you're not very busty." Shocked, I just said, "oh get outta here you *&$%@# " and jabbed him in the arm. And I grinned the whole way home. And I couldn't wait to see him again.

We're not sure what this woman's father did to her but it really took a toll.

"Thy sovereign of my heart, you ain't got no titties" - Keats.

Yea, well I think that the REAL problem that the "halfwits"...of past newsletters are having is that they don't GET IT.

He's mentioned how guys "don't GET IT" about four times now. He sounds like a hack who's compensating for his failure, oh wait...

Anything that has to be "learned" really freaks some women out (as a side note, I've found that most of the women I've talked to in person about my ideas were OK with them. On occasion, a woman will freak out, but after they actually "get" what I'm talking about, they almost universally LIKE the ideas).

So far we've gathered that women are learning-impaired dogs that should be ridiculed in awkward ways to the point where it's not cute anymore.

The REAL profound insight that I've had relating to this topic is that women will often SAY that they want one thing, but then when they GET it they seem like they don't want it. On the other hand, women will often SAY that they don't like certain types of guys or certain traits, then they'll turn around and SLEEP with one of these exact guys.

Wait, so let us get this straight. You're saying that women are indecisive, constantly changing their minds and men are forever struggling to know what they want? What a profound revelation!

Keep in mind, we're talking about women here, and I don't mean to pick on them...

Well now he's just contradicting himself. More fan mail...

Hey Dave, Been getting your newsletter for about two months now. Also got both your book and your DVD.

...and the mouse pad, coffee mug, t-shirt, Dave action figure and his patented pheromone spray.

...this is my problem. Some girls...say..."Why don't you give me your email/number and I'll email/call you." I really am stuck after they said this.

Your problem is you can't take a hint. Time for Dave's rap...

lol... I love questions like this one.

Of course you do...

I have one good friend who has been with literally HUNDREDS of women.

Your friend should be tested.

"Everything I've said to you is from a PDF file I keep in the same folder as my porn"

He told me a story about a woman that said this to him. He asked her for her number, and she said "Well, why don't you write down your number and I'll call you...". He didn't even hesitate... he shot back "Don't give me that SH**, write your number down!". She smiled and wrote her number down.

There is no doubt in our minds that she immediately followed his stern instructions and wrote down her genuine phone number for him to call later.

Funny enough, my standard response to "Why don't you give me your number instead and I'll call you" is to just look at her and say "Write it down. It will be OK..." and then point to the paper.

We're starting to think English isn't this guy's first language. The following letter is displayed in full and unedited...

OMG okay Dave, I'm a female and have been reading your newsletters to try and figure out where guys get their "game" from. Now that I know it's from you, I would like to say you're a total genius. Like I've had guys use your tips on me and at first I've been like "what the hell" then later on in the conversation, we were exchanging numbers and kisses. you must be like a woman in disguise or something. you are so awesome.

Is it just us or does that read like it was written by Dave himself?

I had a guy come to my last seminar in Los Angeles who went out one of the evenings and started approaching women.

This guy gives seminars? Fucking hell!

The point is that there's a way to put yourself in a situation that automatically sparks conversations. You just need to be ready when it happens.

Like throwing yourself in front of a moving car. Another letter asks Dave for some e-laboration on his concept of 'conversational congruence'...

Sure, the idea of being "congruent" when you communicate simply means to have ALL LEVELS of your communication be "in alignment" with each other and "saying the same thing". If you're asking a woman for her number, but you're looking around nervously and hesitating, it's not "congruent". On the other hand, if you're saying "Write down your email and number for me" while taking out a pen and paper...as if it's the 147th time that you've done it, it's CONGRUENT.

That's an awfully specific number. Regardless, he wants your communication to convey that this girl will be another notch on your extensive belt and that you probably have VD?

Dave DeAngelo is a class 9 or Matthew McConaughey-level douchebag.

Y'know, my mom actually wanted to comment on your program. She's been teaching me and my brothers about what women REALLY want from men ever since I was very small.

"Gather round boys! It's time for another one of mommy's lessons in chasin' tail!"

Her saying has always been pretty much: "Women don't want a hard-ass, but women also don't want a BITCH-ASS, either."

"See your problem is you're a bitch, just like your brother. That kid ain't seen any pussy since he came outta mine. Harden the fuck up son!"

That's pretty much the end of the article. The last paragraph was a plug for this douche-hat's whole bucket o' bullshit. For those of you who clicked on the link, is it us or were the photos of women that adorned his page cut out of a Target catalogue?