Attracting Women

If you are a regular Cracked reader, then you probably wish you got sex more often. If you are a male Cracked reader (99.5% chance) then here's how it's done...

Just The Facts

  1. There are 5 Basic Types of men that women are attracted to.
  2. You must fall into at least one group if you ever want to bang a hot chick.
  3. It is possible, and advisable, to fit into more than one group.

#1 Rich Guys

Rich Guys have lots of money, which means they have lots of power. The power to buy expensive things, travel the world, and pay people to do stuff for him. Women want in on that action so bad it hurts.

Women who are most likely to go after rich guys are the ones who shop a lot, or would like to shop a lot. Also those who are trying to get a job in show business. Major cities like NYC and LA are great places to look for these types of women.

Strengths of the Rich Guy Appraoch

- It takes hardly any effort to stay rich if you happen to be born rich.
- Being rich is awesome just by itself. You get jets and mansions and shit.

Drawbacks of the Rich Guy Approach

- If you are poor, it is hard to get rich.
- In this economy, it's hard for anyone to get rich.
- PRE-NUP, PRE-NUP, PRE-NUP! Always get a pre-nup.

He owns that whole waterpark and nine more like it.

Sub-genres of the Rich Guy include the Sports Car Guy, the Trust Fund Brat, and the Guy Who Buys Escorts.

#2 Hot Guys

Hot guys are the six-packed, square-jawed studmuffins girls drool over. Hot guys are appealing to girls not just because of their sexy bods, but also because they can make other girls jealous by parading them around and saying "Look at my boyfriend's sexy bod. Does your boyfriend have a bod that sexy?"

When you and your girlfriend have an argument, this is the guy she'll go have sex with the following night.

All women are attracted to the Hot Guy, although this wanes somewhat as they get older. Teen girls will throw themselves at Hot Guys, but girls in their 20s are usually holding out for a Hot/Rich or Hot/Charming combo. Women older than that are just plain old, so who cares what they like?

Strengths of the Hot Guy Approach

- With the right genetics, it's incredibly easy.
- You don't need to advertise how hot you are. People can tell just by looking at you.

Drawbacks of the Hot Guy Approach

- Although there is room for improvement in most people, superior Grade-A hotness can only be achieved through genetics.
- Everyone, including females, will assume you are stupid.

As you age, "hot" becomes "handsome". You sly dog, you.

Sub-genres of the Hot Guy include the Cute Guy the Dreamboat, and the Gay Guy Girls Wish Wasn't Gay.

#3 Tough Guys

Tough Guys inspire in women the deep-seeded desire for a protector that has been ingrained in their minds through evolution. Back when the world was full of mammoths, it was important to find a guy Tough enough to take one down with a sharp rock and a stick.

Even if a woman claims to hate violence, deep down in her heart she really wants to see you break somebody's jaw.

Women most likely to be attracted to Tough Guys are those with Tough fathers. Or weak fathers. We forget, but it's something with their fathers.

Strengths of the Tough Guy Approach

- Other guys will not fuck with you.

Drawbacks of the Tough Guy Approach

- You might do something stupid to prove how tough you are and then wind up in prison or the hospital.
- You can immediately lose all cred in the presence of Tougher Guy.

Tougher Guy

Sub-genres of Tough Guys include Soldier Guy, Daredevil Guy, Martial Arts Guy and Criminal Guy.

#4 Rockstar Guy

Rockstars get lots of chicks. Duh. But why?

Maybe it's the awesome feeling of the music, maybe it's the phallic symbol of the guitar neck, or maybe it's just the fame and respect that turns women on. In any case, learning to play the guitar is a sure-fire way to land yourself a bed partner.

You don't even have to be rich and famous, or even that talented. In fact, just try walking around a college campus with an empty guitar case and see how many phone numbers you can get.

The kind of women who are most attracted to the Rockstar Guy are girls who like to party and crave attention. The sort of girls who end up on Girls Gone Wild. Exactly the kind you're looking for, no doubt.

Strengths of the Rockstar Guy Approach

- Anyone can learn guitar.
- Girls usually come to concerts with friends, which makes threesomes easier.

Drawbacks of the Rockstar Approach

- The time spent learning guitar will seriously cut into your WoW raiding.
- Very few actually achieve wealth and fame.

The only thing cooler than Rockstar Guy is Wheelchair Crowd Surfing Guy

Sub-genres of Rockstar Guy include Rapper Guy and other Celebrity Guys. It does NOT include Rock Band Guy or Guitar Hero Guy.

#5 Charming Guy

The Charming Guy is the grinning silver-tongued romantic with a heart full of fiery lust. He reads paperback romance novels as research and likely knows at least one poem by heart.

To be a Charming Guy does not require looks. You just need wit, humor, and excellent dialect. A moustache helps.

Women most drawn to the charming guy fall at the opposite ends of the promiscuity spectrum: Virgins who are too romantic to give it up to just anybody, or Sluts who have already had their heart broken and need some sexual healing.

Strengths of the Charming Guy Approach

- Anyone can learn to be charming, and it takes less practice than the guitar.
- If you're a regular Cracked reader, or even contributor, you probably have a decent sense of humor already.

Drawbacks of the Charming Guy Approach

- In order to understand your witty remarks, the girl must possess a modicum of intelligence. This means no cheerleaders.
- You have to actually walk up to a girl and talk to her. She can't tell you're charming from across the room.

His charm made everyone forget about the tranny hooker.

Sub-genres of the Charming Guy include the Popular Guy and the Internet Comedian (or so we like to pretend).