Michael Phelps

Michael Phelps is a filthy, filthy pot head. In his spare time Mike enjoys long walks on the beach, candle-lit dinners, and the occasional swim.

We're through the looking glass people.

Contrary to popular belief, Michael Phelps wears goggles not to protect his eyes from chlorine, but to prevent you from looking directly into his soul.

Just The Facts

  1. Fourteen Olympic gold-medals. Fourteen!
  2. He is a professional swimmer and first qualified for the Olympic Games at age 15.
  3. Fourteen!
  4. Coincidently, his foot size is fourteen. Must get awfully cramped in that water-dynamic Speedo.

An Olympian Is Born.

Have you won fourteen Olympic gold medals lately?

If you answered yes, then chances are your name is Michael Phelps.

Phelps was born 1985 with a silver spoon in his mouth and a gold-medal around his neck. Later in life he would make use of the spoon to heat his heroin before injection, and sell his gold to buy illicit drugs so powerful, they are literally beyond the graps of human cognitative capacity.

But slander aside (for now), Mike' story is a classic tale of rags to speedo (middle-class suburban boys wear rags, right?). According to my extensive research1, he was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, and swimming became an outlet for his pent-up energy. But unlike most people with ADHD, Michael Phelps managed to not suck at everything and qualified for the Sydney Olympics at age 15.

And then, the Gods (we can only assume) brought upon mankind a savage omen for things to come. At 19, Michael was arrested for driving drunk. He was given a $250 fine and 18 months of probation for the rampage, which cost the lives of six elderly people and left $50,000 worth of damaged to the town of Salisbury, Maryland. [citation needed]

1 Five minutes of Google searching.

Fun Fact: Because he refuses to wear the garments of mortals, Michael Phelps is followed constantly by a camera crew to conceal his full frontal nudity.

Michael Phelps Is The Reason All Sea Creature Cry Themselves To Sleep At Night.

And who can blame them? After humans dump feces in the ocean and steal their children to make fish fillets1, one of them out-races you in a substance he shouldn't even be submerged in in the first place. The man has a disportionately long arm-span that would make even the toughest sea urchin weep. Evolution's a bitch.

Skimming through google results of him, Phelps appears to literally have everything: a mult-million dollar salary, a chiseled body, solid weed connections... The guy even has a street, "The Michael Phelps Way", in Baltimore named after him. (For an example of The Michael Phelps Way, see the bottom of this page.)

Michael's goal is to "elevate the sport of swimming," which is unfortunate considering water is much heavier than air. Unless of course he has powers of levitation, which doesn't seem as far-fetcetched as it might if you think about it while looking at the picture below.

1 To be fair, they should stop having such tasty children.

Fun Fact: Michael Phelps wipes his ass with silver-medals.

In 2008, Phelps broke the all-time record for most gold-medals won at the Beijing Games. He gave athletic hope to the most corpulent nation in existance. And ye, all was well on planet Earth.

But then...

The Entire World Imploded.

Dear God! a college student smoking weed! Call the police!

And so thanks to British tabloids and America's obession with celebrity, the entire imploding world was further tortured as the public had to endure weeks of the media feigning outrage. People were so outraged infact that Kellogs ended their contract for endorsments with Phelps (ignoring the fact that 10% of their product is probably consumed by people on hallucinogenic drugs) and the Sheriff's Department of Richland Country filed an investigation; however, the case was dropped after they realized they didn't actually have evidence.

But I mean really, the man's name is an anagram for Chill Hemp for fuck's sake. What other evidence do we need?

Fun Fact: Companies bill out millions in endsorments to professional Athletes. But some times, the best publicity comes free.

Whether you adore him or not, he's a lesson for the all the kids out there: grab a bong and light up, and one day you too could make a living doing something humans should only do when they're drowning.