Guns N' Roses

The band that single-handedly saved hard rock in the late 80's...only to have other bands like Nickelback send in back down the shit hole years later...

Axl is too cool for the camera...Slash is too wasted

Proven Success Strategy

Just The Facts

  1. The song "Rocket Queen" features "vocals" by one of Axl's old girlfriends, recorded while they were having sex in the studio.
  2. Slash was actually turned down by Poison before joining GNR. More evidence that Poison is gay.
  3. GNR is the only band to hold the top 2 spots in album sales in the US and UK at the same time. This came with the release of the "Use Your Illusion" albums
  4. Axl Rose is an anagram of Oral Sex. Bad ass...
  5. Duff was one of the last people to talk to Nirvana's Kurt Cobain, who sat with him on a flight to Seattle

The Rise and Fall and Rise of Greatness

Rock music seemed to be going the way of the dinosaurs in the late 80's. The rock scene was full of bands that wanted wished they had vaginas and wore enough make up to make Joanne Rivers jealous. Somehow, out of this shit, rose one of the most bad ass bands in history who single-handedly kicked all this bands in the nuts and pissed on their faces while chugging a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Liquid inspiration and attitude

The band released the epic "Appetite for Destruction" in 1987 and shot up the charts. The album chronicled the bands drug and drinking habits in Welcome to the Jungle and Nighttrain, but also their softer side with "Sweet Child Of Mine" and the arena rocker "Paradise City". This album gave birth to some of the most memorable guitar riffs and lyrics in rock. The songs are on regular rotation at sporting events across the nation and butchered at karaoke bars all the time.

Memorable Bad Ass Lyric: "I've got a tongue like a razor, a sweet switchblade knife. And I can do you favors but then you'll do whatever I like..."

The band followed up the success with "GNR Lies" a compilation of live and studio recordings. The album featured the whistle-driven ballad "Patience" and the strangely relatable "I Used To Love Her" but I had to kill her.

Memorable Bad Ass Lyric: "I knew I'd miss her, so I had to keep her, she's buried right in my back yard"

Around this time, Stephen Adler was kicked out of the band for not being able to control his drug problem. You know you have a BIG drug problem when you are kicked out of Guns N' Roses. Rhythm guitarist Izzy Stadlin also left the band and they were replaced by Matt Sorum and Gilby Clark respectively.

GNR waited till the early 90's to release the properly named Use Your Illusion I and Use Your Illusion II. These albums saw a slight shift away from the hard rocking AFD but still packed a lot of hits like "Don't Cry", "November Rain", "Yesterdays", "Knocking on Heavens Door" and "Estranged".

"You Could Be Mine" was also featured on the Terminator II soundtrack. It played during the movie during the dirt dike scene. It also had a music video featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger stalking the band...

In the year 2018, Axl Rose single-handedly destroyed Skynet with the highest pitch note ever heard.

Memorable Bad Ass Lyric I: "So goodbye to you girl, so long, farewell. I can't hear you cryin', your jivin's been hell. So look for me walkin' down your street at night, I'll be in with another, deep down inside."

Memorable Bad Ass Lyric II: "I'm a cold heartbreaker, fit ta burn and I'll rip your heart in two. And I'll leave you lyin' on the bed..."

The band would release one more album, The Spaghetti Incident?, which featured cover songs. The album name came from a lawsuit from ex-drummer Stephen, he said he was assaulted when spaghetti was being thrown at him. He was however extremely high at the time...

By this time, the attitudes were getting the best of the band and most studio sessions were recorded separately and then pieced together. In a interview with MTV, Axl stated that Slash had not been a part of the band since 1995 and Duff left shortly after.

There are two sides to the argument, but it is important to note that no matter what story you hear, chances are good that they were drunk, stoned, dead or all of the above at the time. Not calling anyone a liar, but some of that shit is probably made up.

So what is the real reason Guns N' Roses broke up?

Look at those beady little eyes...

Thats right, continuing the history of being nature's practical joking assholes, dolphins broke up one of the greatest bands in rock and roll. During the recording of the Estranged video, Axl proved he could get anything he wanted, even flying dolphins. Slash officially had of enough of this shit and left the band. Fucking dolphins!

Slash, Duff and Matt went on to form Velvet Revolver. Learning form their past mistakes, they chose a reliable, sober frontman who had never had any bad incidents with his former band: Scott Weiland. That and he could shoot flaming unicorns out his ass. Needless to say, that didn't work out.

Come on, we had to see that coming.

New GNR, although chances are someone else will be switched out.

Axl continues to play under the name Guns N' Roses with a new band. He bought the name rights out a while ago, probably when Slash was dead. In 2008, he released "Chinese Democracy" an album said to be in the works for 11 years. It includes the songs Better, Street of Dreams and This I Love

Memorable Bad Ass Lyric: "You know that I got under your skin, you sold your soul but I won't let you win. You talk too much, you say I do, difference is nobody cares about you"

Axl and Slash continue not to speak to each other, with very slim chances of there ever being a reunion.

Former Members of Note

Saul "Slash" Hudson, lead guitar: Easily one of the most bad ass guitar players of all time, Slash has the ability to spin out unforgettable melodies and solos like those in Sweet Child of Mine and Don't Cry. As a child, Slash actually was a very good BMX rider and considered going pro. As far as his appearance goes...just think if Side Show Bob was half black and a Jew. Slash had his share of problems with drugs and drinking. He actually died before. Yeah, thats right, Slash is so much cooler than you, he told death to fuck off and it listened. In his book he also goes into detail about being chased around a resort by miniature predator looking creatures. He was supposed to be there for rehab.

It's hard to play guitar with those hands.

But thats not where being a bad ass stops, see for Slash, that switch is flipped on all the time. If you think celebrities are edgy at award shows today, Slash started that shit. At the 1990 American Music Awards, Slash showed up completely wasted, smoking and holding another drink in hand. Oh, he also dropped the f-bomb on everyone there and the live feed broadcasting throughout the US...which was unheard of at the time...saying on live tv...not fuck, thats been there awhile.

Michael "Duff" McKagan, bass: Duff kills people and he does it for fun. He got into the band by answering an ad in a newspaper and the rest is rock and roll history. Here's a guy that drank so much during this time in the band, that he totally destroyed his pancreas. He had to give the booze up, but a lifetime of drinking in a couple of years...bad ass.

Buckethead, lead guitar: When Axl rose revealed his new look GNR at MTV's VMAs, many people who didn't keep up with all the drama in GNR asked the question: Why the fuck does Slash have a chicken bucket on his head? Buckethead was designated to be the replacement for Slash and technically, he can play guitar with the best of them. It didn't last long however, presumably because he was too damn weird and freaked the shit out of everybody, as he left the band and only contributes to a few songs on Chinese Democracy.

The Remaining Original Member

W. Axl Rose, vocals, power whistle, piano: Is the short-short wearing, lyrical genius that can hold a whistle longer than you can breathe. His powerful vocals and on-stage antics make him one of the greatest front men in history. He has one of the widest vocal rang of any singer ever.

Axl Rose Rule #1: You don't fuck with Axl Rose.

If there is anyone with a shorter temper than Axl Rose, he clearly has not met Axl Rose before, because he would kick his ass while sleeping with his sister. He was known for stopping concerts when he got pissed at certain "fans" who surely carried grudges for being called out...until they were beaten to death for getting the Guns N' Roses concert canceled. There was also a war of words between Motley Crue singer, Vince Neil and Axl, but that quickly came to an end after Axl told him to step in a ring with him. He was clearly aware of Rule #1. Bon Jovi has also spoke out on Axl's fame but who really gives a shit about him.

Axl has also been known to jump into the crowd to beat up losers who throw stuff on stage or sneak in recorders. You don't know pain until Axl Rose performs a flying elbow drop on your face, then the rest of the crowd wants to punch the guy Axl Rose punched, only to be stopped by security, who then beat his ass.

Axl has also thrown out security guards who tend to be assholes to fans. How does he do this? He gets the security to take the security out of course. He's Axl fucking Rose.

Then there was that time he canceled a show after James Hetfield of Metallica was caught on fire while opening. Clearly an attempt to up stage Axl.

The important thing to know about Axl Rose is that if you don't like him, he doesn't care because he still sells albums, makes money and dates models...and he will wear all the bicycle shorts he wants to.

Just be glad I used this picture and not one of the countless others...