Cobra Kai

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Just The Facts

  1. Cobra Kai was the name of the Karate Dojo whose students harassed Daniel-san.
  2. Sweep the Leg.
  3. Cobra Kai students only won fights where the possibility of gang-rape existed.

Strike First, Strike Hard, No Mercy: The Tommy, Bobby, Dutch and Johnny Stories

In 1984, a documentary was distributed around the world and quickly became a global sensation. The film followed a young man's relocation from New Jersey [America's red-headed step-child] to California [America's broke, free-loading, Speedo wearing uncle] and the new-kid-on-the-block, gang style beatings that he suffered at the hands of his mortal enemies, the Cobra Kai. In the end, the young man would conquer his rivals through the help of an ancient Japanese spirit guide and some turtle wax. The title of this famed documentary: The Karate Kid.

In 1984, a documentary was distributed around the world and quickly became a global sensation. The film followed a young man's relocation from New Jersey [America's red-headed step-child] to California [America's broke, free-loading, Speedo wearing uncle] and the new-kid-on-the-block, gang style beatings that he suffered at the hands of his mortal enemies, the Cobra Kai. In the end, the young man would conquer his rivals through the help of an ancient Japanese spirit guide and some turtle wax. The title of this famed documentary:


This shit will fuck you up.


We all know what happened to the high-kicking superhero. He traveled to Okinawa, Japan, saved a Dojo from a monsoon, won another Karate tournament and even mastered the infamous Karate "Got-Your-Nose" technique. But what happened to those rascally skeletons from Cobra Kai? Where are the Cobra Kai boys now?

Tommy
:

Tommy was barely featured in the documentary, but he felt as though if the documentary had focused on him a bit more, they would have understood why he became a Cobra Kai in the first place. This excerpt is taken from an interview given by Tommy two years ago at California Bay Prison where he is serving a 28-year-sentence for malicious wounding and attempted murder.



This will make sense in a minute.
Tommy: "Look man, I didn't even know what karate was back then, let alone care. I didn't even want to do that shit. I wanted to do ballet or like gymnastics. I told my mom about what I wanted to do and next thing I knew, she was dropping me off at the fucking Cobra Kai dojo every day after school. I figured it was because she was afraid I was gay and she wanted to like "man-me-up" or some shit like that but apparently it was because she liked the way our Sensei, John Kreese, was spreading her eagle every day after class. That's how I wound up here. I was tired of waiting to go home and I walked in on them one time... Stabbed him with a katana...right in the dick-hole...sixteen times."
Reporter: "SIXTEEN TIMES?!?!?"
Tommy: "Sixteen times. By the time I was done, his dick looked like a pinata after a close encounter with Kirstie Alley. Candy was everywhere, man... fucking everywhere."


A pinata's worst nightmare.


Tommy has six years left on his sentence. He says that he plans on moving to New York to pursue his childhood dream of joining a ballet dance studio. Tommy is not naive though, he understands the feat ahead of him, but he retains a positive attitude about his life goals. "You have to chase your dreams. I'm kind of like Daniel was in the documentary. He wanted to be more than just that kid from New Jersey who got beat up all the time. I want to be known as more than just that guy who stabbed that other guy in the 'unabomber' sixteen times."


Bobby Brown:


You probably remember Bobby as the Cobra Kai member who tried to convince Johnny to stop beating on Daniel-san during their Halloween melee; a fight referred to in some circles as, "The Fight Where Those Guys Dressed Up Like That Skeleton From 'He-Man' Beat The Shit Out Of That Kid Because He Sprayed Water On Some Dude's Head While He Was Trying To Smoke A Blunt In The Bathroom." We looked Bobby up and he was kind enough to give us an interview.


Q: "So Bobby, what have you been up to since the filming of the documentary ended?"
BB: "Well, I went to see the film at a general admission screening. That turned out to be a bad idea. Sensei Kreese always said that karate would help us dominate any fight, but he never taught us how to handle a gang of 11-year-old girls wearing t-shirts with pictures of Danny on them, chanting, 'Strike first, strike hard, no mercy!' I got shanked with a shiv fashioned out of a fucking Barbie Doll, man. I had to have my spleen removed. Shit man. I still have nightmares brosef."


This doesn't seem plausible.


Q: "Wow, that sounds pretty horrific. What did you do after that?"
BB: "Well, I realized I had to change my life, turn that anger I had into something positive. I got pretty big into Extreme Ironing when I got out of the hospital. I ironed a vest from Express for Men while base jumping into the Grand fucking Canyon man. That shit was surreal. It was like dropping acid with Poppa Smurf while battling a fire-breathing dragon with nothing but an ironing board and a vest."


Apparently, this is what Extreme Ironing makes you feel like.


He says Extreme Ironing isn't as much of a hobby as it is a life-choice not intended for the faint of heart. "Look man, until you've ironed a pair of Von Dutch plaid shorts on top of some sweet ass Googie architecture, you're just taking up space, bro." Bobby currently resides in tent on the outskirts on Las Vegas and is perfectly content just living "his destiny, since the whole thing with Whitney Houston didn't work out."


Dutch:


Dutch wasn't exactly portrayed as friendly in the documentary. Matter of fact, Dutch was portrayed as more of a douche [I know, too easy, but you would've done it too, ass-clown]. After the movie, things went downhill for Dutch. His parents divorced after his father was stabbed, "16 times in the dick-hole" during an affair gone wrong. He dropped out of high school and quit the Cobras. He moved to Alberta, Canada, started heavily using cocaine and eventually landed a job dancing at a local strip club, "The Angry Pinky."


He became aware that he needed a career change after he was arrested for "attempting to sell a stolen child for a bag of Cheetos, beer and some side cash."


"I'll throw the one on the right in for free."


He bounced around the United States before finally settling on a job as a "street corner sign spinner" for a local Domino's Pizza in Fresno, California. Things were looking up for Dutch, but life was about to give him a leg sweep that no amount of wax-on, wax-offing could remedy.


On February 22, 1999, Dutch was doing some of his best sign spinning. "He was really on that day. It was like watching Jesus if he was a sign spinner," his former manager, Ryan Seacrest, said. Unfortunately, some local teenagers decided to taunt Dutch. They drove up, the stoplight was red and began verbally assaulting him. According to Seacrest, "They were calling him a whole bunch of names, mean stuff, like 'jackass' and 'gay sign spinner boy' and even 'Perez Hilton.' I mean, how is anyone supposed to just take that?"


"Did you just call me Pere... yeah, it's fucking go time."


When Dutch decided he had heard enough, he let his sign fall to the ground and started walking towards the car, channeling his inner Cobra. The fight wasn't meant to be, however, as the stoplight at the intersection had turned green. To make matters worse, Britney Spears had a driver's license and was in the area. Spears crashed into Dutch before he could get to the teenagers car, sending him into a spiraling contortion of human limbs and feces. Everyone learned two important lessons that day: Look both ways before you cross the street and when you die, you DO evacuate your bowels, so try not to do it in public. Rest in Peace, Dutch.


This is hard to watch, poor Dutch... ok, just one more time.


Johnny Lawrence:


Who could forget Johnny Lawrence? He was an amazing martial artist. He was a born leader. He congratulated Danny after the infamous "Crane Kick" defeated him and he was the only Cobra Kai with a tattoo of himself on his own arm... ever. He was destined for greatness and according to Johnny, he has finally achieved it.


"There is a distinct possibility that I come to regret the foreverness of this tattoo on my body."


"Well, after the movie aired, I thought to myself, 'Johnny, you're pretty fucking awesome man, you should do some kickass shit.' I decided that I was going to start my own Cobra Kai Dojo. So that's what I did."


Johnny started his own Dojo and took in a group of rag tag karate kids a la Billy Bob Thornton in the new version of "Bad News Bears." "Well, at first, they thought karate was just chasing after each other with staplers and punching each other in the cock. I had to teach them that karate is all about ganging up on one kid a time as a group and breaking your ex-girlfriend's stereo when she won't talk to you about why she thinks you're being a dick. They need work, but with my expert tutelage, they're gonna be throwing rocks at squirrels and kneeing senior citizens in the groin in no time. KEEEYYYAAWWW!!!!!!"


"Karate is strong with you Benjamin Button."


Johnny still keeps up on his original childhood dream to become the best karate master fighter of all time. He continually hones his skills by "picking fights with the Geek Squad at Best Buy" or "playing Mortal Kombat on my Wii." Last year he entered the All Valley Karate Championships but was escorted out of the arena by Security after throwing up shortly before his match while allegedly singing "Blame it on the motherfuckin' A-A-A-A-A-Al-COHOL!!"


When we asked Johnny if we could look forward to seeing him in the public eye again, he said,"I'm making a comeback dude. I'm serious, if you want me to fuck your face up, I'll set your face on fire with a HAYDOUKEN! I taught Ken and Ryu that shit and now I'm going to teach it to your face." After which, he began pointing his hands and chanting "HAYDOUKEN" with a confused look on his face.


We're pretty sure this is what Johnny sees when he looks in a mirror.


After about 3 minutes of nothing and tears now streaming down Johnny's face through his stuttering "HA-HA-H-HAYDUKEN" chant, we left the new Cobra Kai Dojo, saddened that the former iconic school-yard bully and his partners in crime had been reduced to such tragic tales of Jamie Foxx lyrics, Extreme Ironing and a katana used to stab a dick-hole... sixteen mother fucking times.