"To be a father is ... everything. It's the best thing in my life." - Kevin Federline.
Kevin Federline (K-Fed) was a backup dancer for Justin Timberlake when he first started dating Britney Spears. Timberlake no doubt tossed her to K-Fed like a used-up groupie once he discovered how batshit crazy she was. In 2004 Britney Spears was the most desired woman on the planet, but that obviously couldn't stop her from making bad decisions - or Timberlake from making a good one.
Remember THIS girl?
At the time, K-Fed was dating Shar Jackson, of Moesha fame. We use "fame" loosely because, hey, this is an article about Kevin Federline. Shar was pregnant with their second child when Kevin dumped her for Britney. This was both the smartest and asshole-iest thing Kevin Federline had ever done.
Bet you thought it was going to be Moesha, from Moesha, right? Well it's not.
Thanks for shaving for the wedding, Kevin.
Spears spent the next few years getting fatter, largely due to the pregnancies. Almost exactly one year after their marriage, their first son, Sean Preston Federline, was born on Sept. 15th, 2005. and almost exactly one year after that, on Sept. 12th 2006, their second son, Jayden James Federline, was born.
Taking Sean for a stroll, while Jayden is probably in a drawer somewhere.
Sept. 12 - 18 would be a very busy week for the family, with two birthdays and an anniversary. K-Fed probably planned it that way so that he could buy fewer gifts and have them count for more than one occasion. He probably also bought them all at the same store.
Britney will love this new dolly.
K-Fed got his rap career off to a start in 2006. He performed his single "Lose Control" at the Teen Choice Awards on august 20th of that year and we have graciously decided not to include a video of it in this article. You're welcome.
Just a short while later, on November 7th, Britney filed for divorce in a move that shocked absolutely nobody. She cited "irreconcilable differences" as the reason, and tried to get full legal and physical custody of the children. At first, it was granted to her.
Then she flipped the fuck out.
Britney was partying constantly and eventually went to rehab. Twice. She was photographed driving around with her children unrestrained and engaging in other bad-mother behavior. Then she went to a salon and shaved off all her hair. A long and ugly custody battle followed and in 2008 a judges ruled that K-Fed was - OH SNAP! - the better of the two parents. Federline was given sole physical and legal custody of the children and Britney Spears was ordered to pay $20,000 per month in child support.
"If I go to rehab, will Kevin start taking care of OUR kids?"
"That depends, you got $20,000 a month you want to send me?"
So what's next for this rap sensation, talented dancer, and single father of four? He was on the cover of DETAILS magazine where they named him the 7th most influential man under 45, for the simple reason that he had managed to get those children away from the media circus and plummeting sanity of Britney Spears.
However, the only thing he's been famous for lately is getting fat, a feat which many Cracked writers and readers attained long ago.
Nice hair, too.
Check out K-Fed and Britney in the 11 Most Unintentionally Poignant Drunk Celebrity Videos.