Brock Lesnar

Brock Lesnar was born on 12 July 1977 in South Dakota; a strapping 6 foot 200 pound bouncing baby boy. What a lot of people don't know is that Lesnar is one of only three people ever to bear the regal moniker of "Brock", and the only one that isn't an animated cartoon.

^{This sunday, at Wrestlemania...!}

Always a physical being, Lesnar has pursued careers in all manners of sporting life. His early dreams of being an NFL great were quashed when his consistent rough-sacking drew complaints from other, more mortal athletes. And his on-pitch antics were no softer, eventually leading to an early departure for Brock.

He found his true calling in the World Wrestling Federation. He defeated The People's Champion, your friend and mine, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson at Summerslam 2002 to become the then-youngest Undisputed Champion ever. From there he enjoyed memorable Television feuds with acts as varied as The Big Show, and one legged cripple Zach Gowen. Always one for a bit of friendly banter, Brock beat up Gowen's mother at ringside, in what many consider the pinnacle of his career.

Brock's departure from the Federation is controversial, as it was a breach of his WWE contract. He asked to be released by the company, but they slapped him with a "No-Compete Clause" to prevent him wrestling for any other orginisation for at least 10 years. Brock interpreted this as "Immediately go to Japan and win the International Wrestling Grand Prix (IWGP) title" .After a long lawsuit, the company thought "just fuck it" and let the beast go, to fulfill his dream of making it in the NFL.

One year and a handful of preseason games later, Brock was again looking for work of the combat variety. This time he set his sights on the MMA, the one job that can fully satisfy his insatiable urge for homerotic violence. At the time of writing, Brock sits atop the world of the UFC, succesfully defending his title as the craziest bastard in the world.

Seriously, have you ever seen a Brock Lesnar Shooting Star Press? It seemed to follow a distinct five step technique.

1. Lumber heavily to the top turnbuckle, like King Kong ascending the Empire State Building
2. Pray
3. Hurl self into the air with wild abandon.
4. Pray
5. Wake up days later in a dazzlingly white room

The only person less qualified to take to the skies than Lesnar was Icarus. But this wasn't Brock's only technical problem...

Brock was notoriously uncommunicative during his WWE bouts, preferring to ride the wind and play by his own rules. This, of course, led Brock to his fair share of red tape troubles.

Do a quick internet search for "Wrestling controversy," or "Wrestler nearly killed by..." and odds are everything's gonna be coming up Brock. But it would appear that throughout his WWE tenure, Brock's biggest enemy was...himself. He was always searching for a bigger, better thrill. "Hulk Hogan body slammed Andre the Giant? Well fuck that, Brock Lesnar's gonna hold The Big Show on his shoulders for hours!"

^{And that was just the beginning...}

Brock's pigheaded refusal to acknowledge the basic laws of physics around which this mortal earth revolves has caused him problems more than once. In 2002, Brock snapped Bob "Hardcore" Holly's neck while performing a rudimentary powerbomb. The Powerbomb, as the Cracked readership no doubt doesn't need to be informed, is the one move that every viewer watches and invariably thinks "...I could probably do that." Argument rages over whether Bob was purposely "not playing ball", but the fact remains that wherever Brock goes, he leaves a trail of snapped bones and tears in his wake.

His finishing move, the F5, (named for the amount of times his victim could manage "oh FUCK" in the time it took them to hit the ground) involved Brock lifting his opponent unceremoniously above his head before dropping them head first to the mat. In news that will shock no-one, this caused more than a few neck injuries in it's day. If snapping lesser mortal's necks with ease was an Olympic sport...what a terrifying world this would be.

In 2003, Brock Lesnar hauled long time rival the Big Show to the second rope during a taping of Smackdown. Fans held their breath and crossed their fingers, not daring to believe their eyes...and then this happened:

Of course the internet can only function on a bitter cocktail of "inflated superiority masquerading as hard fact", so all the talk surrounding this carnival for the eyes centred around whether it was a set-up or not. As far as we're concerned, however, the big one threw the bigger one and some shit blew up. Good show gentlemen, good show.

Lesnar made his debut in the UFC in February 2008. Unused to fighting in a match without a predetermined outcome (In Brock's own personal ideology, "Opponent's swift death" is always the predetermined outcome of any action), he submitted to former champion Frank Mir in the first round.

Despite this, he managed to finagle a bout with former champion Mark Coleman, scheduled for "UFC 87: Seek and Destroy". A "training injury" (the most gentlemanly description of "shitting out liquid terror" ever commited to print) ruled Coleman out for the fight, leaving Heath Herring, the equivalent of the unarmed prisoners who would be brought out to entertain Gladiator bloodlust, to take his place. Within seconds, Lesnar had laid Herring out with one punch, and the rest is, as they say, too gory to describe.

^{He ate him.}

Brock climbed quickly through the ranks, and on November 15 he defeated Randy Couture at UFC 91 to become the Heavyweight Champion. His rivalry with Frank Mir continued to bubble over throught his championship, and the scheduled rematch at UFC 98 was a hotly anticipated bout. However, this was forced to be postponed after Mir was laid low by a conspicious knee injury. (They had evidently been quaking a little too forcefully.)

But Mir couldn't run forever, and the two met at UFC 100 in July 2009. To say that Brock "won" the match would be like saying Kel "liked" orange soda. Lesnar's destruction of Mir earned him Sherdog's "Beatdown of the Year" honours for 2009. (Previous awardees include Wolverine, that leopard that kicked a crocodile's ass, and my dad).

In October 2009, Brock was finally forced to pull out of a UFC fight, citing illness as the cause. Facing the worst sickness of his life, he submitted himself to treatment in a Canadian hospital. Not long after, he transferred to an American hospital instead, claiming that malfunctioning equipment had caused him to receive "Third World treatment". (Reports that Brock made every piece of equipment in the building "tap out" are unsubstantiated at this time)

Just before Brock could sanction a bout between himself and the Canadian healthcare system, he was diagnosed with mononucleosis, not to mention diverticulitis. Brock's iron constitution had kept these ailments secret for around a year, according to doctors.

The condition forced the UFC to hold "interim" title bouts. In essence, this sullied the efforts of every man who took part, serving as a constant reminder of the transience of their acheivements while serving as the UFC "Interim Heavyweight Champion". When Shane Carwin defeated our old friend Frank Mir to earn a fight against Brock this summer at UFC 116, Brock himself entered the ring to disparage the "Make Believe belt" that Carwin held. Carwin replied with a dignified "...quit it."

_{Not pictured: Mercy}