LA Galaxy

LA Galaxy is an exciting new animal sanctuary based in the Los Angeles suburb of Carson, California. It was formed after the recent discovery of a new sub-species of homo sapiens.

Just The Facts

  1. LA Galaxy is the only animal sanctuary of its kind, designed to perfectly replicate the ideal environment for these majestic creatures.
  2. The star attraction, 'Beckham', was found in captivity in England, forced to play football by the notorious animal trapper Sven-Goran Eriksson.
  3. Scientists are currently working with anthropologists to unravel their mysterious language of seemingly random letters and numbers.

LA Galaxy

This revolutionary new animal sanctuary may finally spell the beginning of the end of barbaric, European 'football clubs' where members of this gentle species are forced to engage in ritualistic games for the entertainment of the general public. Poachers have made millions of dollars by illegally removing these majestic beasts from their natural habitats (back alleys, public rest room cubicles and crack dens) and forcing them to play a game called 'football'. In Europe, this deplorable practice is an accepted part of daily life. Indeed, many of these creatures reach a level of celebrity akin to Lassie, Flipper and Skippy the Bush Kangaroo, often living in million dollar zoos in the countryside.

Meanwhile, the female of the species ('wags') are often seen parading around, showing off their plumage. Often they fall victim to another (albeit much reviled) species of human called the 'paparazzi'. They are often considered to be much less intelligent than their male counterparts, however this is not always the case. For instance, Victoria Beckham (David's mate) has shocked the world by releasing successful pop records. Scientists have compared this to the likes of Paya, the elephant from Thailand who set the art world abuzz with its paintings after its keepers trained it to hold a paintbrush. Evidently the Beckham's keepers went a step further.

"It took us three months to teach her to hold the microphone the right way up," said a spokesperson from Beckhingham palace. "Then for a while after that we had to train her to use her voice musically, rather than the usual garbled nonsense that these creatures use to communicate. They're quite stupid really, but luckily for us they are very easy to train."

Now that the Beckhams have been moved to the new sanctuary, keepers are trying to wean Victoria away from the microphone. When asked if this was an effort to reacclimate her to her natural habitat with a view to eventual release into the wild, scientists replied, "No, we just can't subject the public to that any more. There's only so much Autotune can accomplish."

Scientifically proven formula.

"Our goal here is to repair the damage that has been done to these animals in the real world," one scientist went on to say without prompting. "They will often come in quite confused and not knowing what is going on. We'll give them a little cocaine and turn on the strobe lights and they're usually quite happy. Then the real healing begins."

There are currently no plans to expand the LA Galaxy project to other parts of the world. Experts cite the prohibitive costs (the sanctuary spends millions of dollars a year on medications, sports cars and Crystal) and the poor standards of living (some of the mansions have only four toilets). The park has also been subject to repeated attacks by PETA, with members of the organisation hurling fake footballer's blood over the park's board of directors as they left a recent meeting.

Protests reached fever pitch... Ahem. Sorry.

We were able to briefly visit the Beckhams in their own private part of the sanctuary. Victoria sniffed excitedly around us, attracted by the smell of success. David meanwhile skulked behind her, kicking randomly at a ball that one of the handlers had given him. All the while they chattered away excitedly, but there was no evidence of actual intelligence in what they were saying. While beautiful and majestic, one has to wonder if these creatures wouldn't be better off in the wild, where natural selection could do it's job.