No matter how happy one may be, life always finds a way to mischievously fuck your world up with an overwhelming amount of commitment. Kinda makes you wonder why your addiction to booze, drugs, and password-free porn is at an all time high...
Commitment, driven by that little voice in our heads they call willpower, is an asshole. Three days into a new goal of finally keeping in touch with your grandparents, a new promise of not calling out of work, or fourth plan to quit smoking (whichever life forces in your corner), it seems that willpower, that lil' thief of achievement, stands high in its chair and yells "You Suck" or "You can't do this, fatty!" As a result of discouragement and low defenses, commitment shuts down quicker than the bootleg DVD salesman when it rains.
One day you could be having a great time frolicking about in a room full of laughing newborns with nothing but happy thoughts and marijuana in hand, and next thing you know the dark and ominous music sets in and BOOM, commitment strikes. No matter how happy one may be, life always finds a way to mischievously fuck your world up with an overwhelming amount of commitment. Now you know why your never smile when a baby's born.
As I've learned from past experiences and current agonies, in a world overwhelmed by commitment, there are three different leeches that require specific and delicate attention.
1. The Significant Other
2. Job Hunting
The following are valid solutions to help you conquer these commitments. Morals not included.
Commitment to your significant other is perhaps the most time consuming, dream stealing, and oppressive type of commitment ever introduced to mankind.
Shush or I'll shush you!
How many times can you say, "I will not watch Twilight with you" and still keep a smile like everything in your relationship is OK?
Imagine what delightful treasures the committed male must give up. "Am I gonna get to play with Lego's this Sunday? NO. My girlfriend wants me to go to Costco and pick up tampons and Gas-X. Am I gonna watch the Miss South America contest on Univision tomorrow? NO. My girlfriend wants me to drive her 13 year old metrosexual brother to wax his eyebrows. Am I gonna go grab a beer with my best friend so he can tell me how he managed to have a threesome with a blind midget and her seeing eye dog? NO. Hmm, I wonder why. Oh yea, I need to go grape picking on horseback in Wine Country."
While the male struggles to find a satisfying balance between joy and emotional pain, the female also puts her desires on hold because she's always thinking with the best intentions for her man.
Imagine the committed lady trying to cater to her man. "I won't rent Travelling Pants of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood because I know he hates it, so I'll get Season 2 of Sister, Sister instead since he likes TV shows so much. Instead of making him drive all the way to my parent's house, I'll just invite them over here for the weekend. I don't remember ordering Bordello Babes Tuesday at 2:15am on Cinemax On Demand, instead of scolding him about it I'll just borrow his credit card for new candles." Depressing, right?
Here's a solution that allows you to work smarter, not harder, when committing to your significant other.
Hold silent drinking competitions while watching Teletubbies in Spanish.
If Zeus himself were to ever smite me with a bolt of lighting, may he please fill my recovering IV pouch with Grey Goose and Tonic. Arguing about what how many actual minutes it takes to microwave popcorn holds no match to the ravishing and erotic hallucinations that booze provides. What better way to spend an evening with your significant other than to compete in a silent drinking duel sponsored by your favorite poison? The best part, nobody but four unregistered sex offenders wearing colored suits is allowed to judge you.
They're happy because you drink. You drink because they're happy. Everyone wins.
Imagine the perfect Kodak moment: Nothing but you, your booze of choice, your other half quiet as a mouse, an infant in the form of a sun is shining its rays on you, and the only noise you hear is a purple alien yelling "oh oh" every time you take a swig of your pimpjuice. Nothing will make you appreciate each other and the couch that you two bought from Craigslist more than this moment right here. The best part is that in the end of this competition, you both are winners. The person who passed out first sleeps like a baby kitten, and the person who outlasts the other can use their hangover as an excuse to not go shopping.
Other solutions to consider...
Suck it up and buy your honeybunny an Xbox 360
-Introduce your shining star to the millions of online gamers who are actually willing to babble on about nonsense.
Fake your death for a month
-It'll give your partner enough time to miss you while you're backpacking through Amsterdam with the woman you met at the airport bar.
Adopt a child, but hold onto the receipt
-Temporary solution to add love to the equation
Become an Asian slave trafficker
-You'll be so busy that the relationship won't matter.
Job hunting is exhausting, draining, and holds up a giant middle finger toward your self worth. Spending your 9-5 on looking for a 9-5 is the definition of lunacy and madness. Ask anybody.
Even Charles Bronson in his prime wouldn't be able to tackle this beast. He needs more training.
Craig Newmark, inventor of Craigslist.com, should be scolded by a fat black mama. The cancer that is Craigslist is beating on your commitment with tsunami-like force, leaving broken walls of dedication and shattered hopes of second round interviews buried in its path. How can a future business leader of America remain positive when the most recent job postings range anywhere from "Door to Door Diaphragm Measurements and Sales" to "Wanted: Crossing Guard P/T for duckpond"?
Dear Interviewer, Kiss my ass. Do you even realize what one must go through to prepare for your fucking job interview? We must research your company the night prior. We must iron our monkey suits before bed. We must take six Tylenol PMs just to fall asleep past the thought of what an asshole you might be during tomorrow's interview. In the morning, we must masturbate to reduce our stress and soothe our worries. We have to act interested when we read the newspaper when waiting to be called into your office. And most importantly, we must pretend to trust you when you say," OK, great! We'll be in touch."
While job hunting is only a temporary process, when you finally do find that dream job it's gonna feel beyond exhilarating. In the meantime, try this.
Become your own boss as a Motivational Speaker for the Blind
If only Hellen Keller had access to you, imagine how rich your resume would seem. You'd be so envied that your words could be used as currency.
As the king of the blind community, you wouldn't have to do much in order to be 'Oprah Rich'. Just have your old English professor proof-read a 10 minutes speech and steal some braille books from the library to use when assigning homework. It's that simple. Revenue will reign almost immediately since the expenses in this industry aren't high. You don't need to waste money on those "Hello my name is" stickers. You don't need to buy nice clothes since your clients can't see you. Rent doesn't exist because al the blind bitches want you to stay over. Plus, you get free lunch because they won't know you're raiding the fridge.
Rumors of your craft will spread like wildfire from one blind person to the other. There will be parades. You'll be given the key to the city. You'll guest star on famous shows like Gossip Girl and the Dog Whisperer. Nuns will adore you and shower you with babies, puppies, and those delightful little peeps that come out for Easter. You, Mr. Brail Brawler, will be the role model and alpha male to many followers to come.
Other solutions to consider...
Ride your city's subway system and keep an open ear to other people's conversations.
-The types of stories one may hear are limitless. Use it and write a book.
Sell jewelry and t-shirts on the beaches of Cancun.
-Those guys actually support families of nine on that income.
Buy yourself some time and go to Israel for free.
-Jews receive free trips to Israel. If you're interested and not Jewish, just lie or grow your sideburns.
Go work in a movie theater.
-Free movies and as many free nachos as your pockets can hold. Dinner and a movie anyone?
After four and a half months of freedom, your entire family finally got together for dinner again. At the dinner table, while your mom and dad are bickering about whose turn it is to be the designated driver, you notice your grandparents at the end of table smiling from ear to ear. Is your grandfather smiling because he's imaging himself as Matlock? Is your grandmother smiling because she has alzheimers and loves meeting new people? Or are they both smiling because they actually love each other? FUCK NO. They smile because you, their little angel wing, came to visit them earlier that week.
There are two sides to an individual. One is a clad and charming gentleman who knows to visit grandparents at least once a week while the other is trying to weasel his way out of family commitment.
Should I go see grandma today or just scope out hot moms outside of Jamba Juice instead?
The decision is yours Judge Judy, what do you do?
Smoke some weed before going over to visit the G-Unit.
You drive up to grandma's house and park under a tree because you think it shelters you from the law. After scanning the street to make sure the other oldies sitting in their rainbow fold-out chairs can't see you, you take a hit from the bowl you named Hillary Puff, You're now ready for war.
You surprise them by walking into their residence with a smile bigger than a boomerang and salivating hunger for grandma's cooking. "I'll have lemon pie, a ½ chicken, and some Cheetos please," you announce. Intoxicated with more joy than Johnny Five had when he finally became "Alive", grandma will drop everything just to put some food in that stomach of yours. While she prepares your feast of goodness, you grab grandpa for a deep conversation about which animal would be your best competitor in a cage fight to the death. While trying to explain that it's impossible to execute a teenage giraffe in a cage fight, the exotic array of nourishing aromas coming from the oven makes you tear.
Today, for the first time since you were nine, you'll tell grandma and grandpa how much you love them and that you wish you could see them every day. Just try not to crack up when grandma burns herself pulling that lemon pie from the oven. Job well done, sir.
One must always keep in mind that commitment to family is critically important, especially towards your grandparents. If not for your grandparents, who else will you count on at the end of the year to give you Hanukkah money? Not your Christmas loving friends, that's for sure. They still think Hanukkah is for extended work vacations and free frisbees.
Other solutions to consider...
Buy a couple of those upside down hanging tomato plants
-Everyone who owns one smiles on average 2.8 more times a day. Google it.
Go to Kinko's and print a lifesize cutout of yourself.
-Strategically place the cutout where everyone can see it. Awww, Johnny doen't want to leave .
Go flask yourself.
-This next retro phenomenon should be with you at all family gatherings, even breakfast.
-While very frowned upon, it's quite effective.