Yasser Arafat

Born in Cairo to Palestinian parents, Yasser Arafat was the 2^nd youngest of 7 children and had a strained relationship with his father. Yasser enrolled in the University of King Fuad I and graduated in 1950.

With a face like that, you know the mothafucka got ALL the girls at the village watering hole

He left the university to take part in the Israeli-Independence war of 1948 (against the Israelis, duh!) However, due to the classic Israeli tactic of "kick ass and take names", the war was over pretty quickly, and Yasser saw only a little action in Gaza with the Egyptians. Upon hearing that the Israelis had managed to thoroughly trounce the armies of about 6 Arab countries, Arafat is reported to have said, "Fuck." Then he returned to Cairo, and hence, as the age old saying goes, "back to the drawing board."

Arafat's full name was actually Mohammed Abdel Rahman Abdel Raouf Arafat al-Qudwa al-Husseini. Since a freedom fighter has only a limited amount of time per day to take care of business, Yasser didn't want to spend half that time going through the ins and outs of his 17-mile long given name. So he just made a new one. What a fucking badass.

Badass

In the early days of Arafat's guerrilla career, he assumed the nom de guerre of Abu Ammar, meaning in Arabic, "father of Ammar". Experts have thought this might be due to Yasser's delight that he was in fact able to impregnate a woman. Of course, with no Maury show around at the time, it's safe to assume that Yasser, in addition to being a monumental dick, probably was a cheapskate, and that little Ammar never got any child support.

In 1956, Arafat was called to duty to fight with the Egyptian forces against Israel during the Suez Crisis. Unfortunately, due to the Egyptians being defeated pretty quickly, Arafat never actually fought on the battlefield. Which kind of makes us question how the guy ever spent the next 50 or so years of his life wearing military uniforms bedecked with medals and gaudy pins. Oh, and giving military-style salutes, what the fuck is that about?

What a pompous, self-appointed Napoleon....

During the early 1960's Arafat often personally led incursions of armed militiamen against Israel. These Fedayeen groups snuck into Israeli territory under cover of darkness to harass civilian communities with such ingenious tactics as roadside bombs and shootings. You know, a little of this, a little of that.

Courageous mission for make benefit glorious nation of Palestine

As early as 1959, documents showed the existence of a group called Fatah, which Arafat himself founded. This group wasn't much different than the Fedayeen- the nighttime adventures still continued, though now Arafat was raising a fuckload of cash to bankroll his campaigns, and was probably pocketing that shit for himself, too.

In 1967, Egypt, Jordan, and Syria (possibly with assistance of Iraq) played the saber rattling game with Israel and massed their men on Israel's borders. The Israelis then proceeded to say "fuck you all" and basically smoked the 3 countries faster than a joint at a fraternity party. After this Six Day War, Arafat, sitting in some shithole of a bunker, claimed a victory, despite taking no part in the conflict whatsoever. Wait, what? Yup. What chutzpah.

After the war, Arafat fled to Jordan, where he began recruiting more fighters and raising more funds. Nasser, Egypt's President, declared Arafat to be the "leader of the Palestinians". Yasser Arafat was now the Chairman of the Palestinian Liberation Organization- more of less the equivalent of Supreme Leader of the entire Empire of Palestine.

The Persian Palestinian Empire is similar to this

After the war in 1967, Arafat went back to Jordan to chill with the top dogs, including King Hussein. But then he got a bit too greedy, and thought he could run the country on his own. Under Arafat's order's, Fatah began taking control of civil life in Jordan. And by taking control, we mean setting up roadblocks, harassing civilians, humiliating policemen, levying illegal taxes, and molesting women.

Arafat's henchmen handling business in Jordan

Seeing this, Hussein decided to deal with the rambunctious little Palestinian who was messing with his kingdom in the best possibly way. How? He invited Arafat to become Prime Minister of Jordan. Being a power hungry nut, Arafat wasn't happy with being only the Prime Minister. He wanted the whole fucking country, and the King wasn't having any of it.

Arafat did some thinking and figured that he couldn't defeat the Israelis, so he might as well go after the Jordanians. By this time, King Hussein wasn't fucking around and in September of 1970, the Jordanian totally crushed Fatah and the Palestinians.

After being expelled from Jordan, Arafat operated mostly out of Lebanon, and organized heroic stunts like the Munich massacre of 11 Israeli athletes, numerous bombings, shootings, hijackings, etc. Israel retaliated with a vengeance and then shit got real. So Arafat had to spend much of the 1970's dodging assassination attempts, although there was one bright spot in 1974, where he made history by becoming the first person to address the UN while wearing a holster, although we are being told that it did not contain a gun.

Back in the 70's, Lebanon had a weak government that was just ripe for the taking. Of course, we know that to be a totally different case than from how Lebanon is today.

Anyway, Arafat was up to the usual in 1970's era Lebanon- using the infrastructure to conduct attacks on northern Israel, usually by way of shelling or infiltrating coastal civilian communities, as well as planning hijackings and other attacks.

By 1976, the Lebanese Civil war had been underway for about a year already. Being a jackass, Arafat decided to get involved in a conflict that he had nothing to do with. After allying the PLO with the communist Lebanese National Movement (fucking commies), Arafat thought he could become the first G-Unit, mainly by conducting street battles with Christian militias. After getting his ass kicked by the Christian Phalangists in several misadventures, Yasser went out to get some himself street cred.

OG Yasser rolls mad deep, yo

Of course, he did this by attacking the town of Damour. No shit, Yasser's boys herded hundreds of women and children into the church and set it on fire. Other civies were lined up on a wall and machine-gunned. And for good measure, the Christian cemetery was dug up and bodies were robbed, too.

By the early 80's, after conducting numerous attacks on Israel, the Israelis sent a force to attack southern Lebanon in order to push the PLO further north. After the heroic and glorious attack on Damour, everyone expected Yasser to hold his own and defend his position. However, fate had it that he would escape (we assume with his pants down and his dick out) and spend much of the 80's bouncing around the rest of the Middle East.

Condi Rice indicating the size of Arafat's manhood

The rest of Arafat's life was basically much the same. The shooting and bombing attacks still continued. What can we say; he was a fellow of one idea. However, in the late 80's and through the 90's (continues until today of course) suicide bombings came onto the scene, and many were conducted on direct orders of Arafat. Also, in 1990 he married a woman (probably to prove he wasn't gay) who was 34 years his junior. Eww.

New line of T-Shirts to fit the occasion

Anyway, the big thing to notice here was that by the 1990's, Arafat had officially "renounced terrorism in all its forms" and recognized the existence of Israel. Unofficially, he was still planning and financing attacks on Israeli civilians, something that he would continue to do for years to come. Which led to Israeli and Western leaders having issues with Arafat's credibility. No one was sure if they could really shake Yasser's hand without noticing that they had fingers missing.

Fortunately for Arafat, in 1994, in a move to make us all call bullshit, he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. We're not sure if after he received the award he stood on stage and said, "first, I'm going to Disneyland", but what we do know is that he went back to playing his old games, and now was dabbling more with the economy- mainly by jacking multi-millions that were intended to help the Palestinian people. Dick.

"I won WHAT??!!"

While still leading the Palestinians in the 2000's, Arafat lay low, probably due to increasing incidents where Palestinian militants were being targeted by Israel and shish kebobbed in air strikes. In this era, he moved toward the direction of peace making via the media. Yasser even managed to pull off a teary, though apparently insincere message of condolences to the United States on behalf of the Palestinian people after 9/11, all while crowds celebrated in the streets outside his house. Now, that takes some skill.

"Dear America, we rejoice mourn with you. Oh God, give me a tissue" *Sniff, sniff*

In 2004, Yasser vomited during a meeting and was taken to the hospital. Within two days, his condition went steadily downhill, and he fell into a comatose state. He seemingly recovered, then worsened again. And again and again, for about 3 weeks. This led to some confusion in the media as to whether Yasser was dead or not, leading to some jokes from Jay Leno ("Yasser Arafat died last night. And this time it looks pretty permanent. How many times did he die this week? Like five? Six? He was turning into Kenny on 'South Park") and David Letterman ("According to Palestinian sources Yasser Arafat is dead but improving"). He was finally dead around November 11^th.

He almost beat the Grim Reaper. Almost.

The rumor was that Arafat was poisoned by Israel. It's possible, but a more interesting rumor surfaced that Arafat died from complications due to AIDS. Basically, people were calling him a fag. It had long been rumored that Yasser was a homosexual. Ion Mihai Pacpea (what a bitchin' name) the former head of Romanian intelligence and the highest-ranking intelligence officer to have defected from the USSR, published a memoir in which he claims he knew for a fact that Arafat, in the words of Borat, liked to do "bang bang in another man's anus."

Portrait of Yasser, presented to lover for anniversary

Pacepa recounted a conversation with a Romanian general, Constantin Munteaunu, tasked with training Arafat. "I just called the microphone monitoring center to ask about the 'Fedayee,'" explained Munteaunu. (Fedayee was Arafat's code name.) "After the meeting with the Comrade, he went directly to the guest house and had dinner. At this very moment, the 'Fedayee' is in his bedroom making love to his bodyguard. The one I knew was his latest lover. He's playing tiger again. The officer monitoring his microphones connected me live with the bedroom, and the squawling almost broke my eardrums. Arafat was roaring like a tiger, and his lover yelping like a hyena." Kinky, huh?

Yasser liked to use these as dildos

Arafat is also claimed to have made a pass at a Clinton (yea, they let him in the White House) aide by rubbing his leg under the table and kissing him on the lips.

As said before, Palestinians view Arafat as a hero; Israelis view him as a villain.

If you look at the history its pretty clear to see that he was simply a violent Julius Caesar wannabe. It's also possible that he was the man who killed the most Jews since Hitler, all the while attracting little condemnation from the world.

Errrrr.........alright........

Arafat's committal to eradicating Israel never achieved an independent Palestinian state. Arafat wanted total victory, no half loaf. He was in effect, one the biggest endorsers of the saying "go big or go home", and he probably told that to some of his bodyguards as well.

In short, the man essentially invented what we now call modern terrorism. Hey, it's not the light bulb, but who the hell cares, right?