Dating

The process of meeting people for the sake of a loving relationship and/or sex. When this procedure involves a man, it is always so that he may eventually (preferably by the end of the first date) have sex with the other party involved.

'Score!'

Just The Facts

  1. It is customary that men pay for whatever goes on during the date.
  2. Women are expected show their appreciation to the men after their date by pleasuring them (this could mean anything from washing his dishes to letting him have the remote control and watch whatever stupidity is on).
  3. Very little is known about dating within the gay community.

Men, and Where They Went Wrong

Regardless what kind of person they are, all men tend to look for women with porn-star-like qualities on the dating field. This means a small waist, giant, silicone beasts and a thunderous buttocks. Then again, that is a misconception. Men don't give two fucks about what their girl looks like. All they really care about is that she has a hole wherein they may insert their penis. They also like a woman that they can contain easily, without worry that she may one day run away with a chiseled beast of a man.
Oiled Up Beast
'Thank God I contained her!'
Though in reality there is no such thing as a woman that can easily be contained. The fact of the matter is that these men are pussies, and they will never find someone special to love who will love them back if they continue this bullshit. These men feel that they need to do whatever women want to do, because they feel that their girl will leave them if they don't please them in every way possible. So they live their life with their tail between their legs, their wallet wide open and their hands full of shopping bags. There is also a rare breed of man-pussy that lives in the shadows of his mother's basement. He is frail, his skin is pasty, and chances are he is of very little use to women. He is referred to as a geek. This guy searches for a woman that does not exist: one that wants to hear about the quest he just won in World of Warcraft or about the inaccuracy of the way the ships travel in space in Star Wars. These poor creatures are also plagued with another problem: virginity. Do not take this lightly. It is an incurable desease.
The truth of the matter is that women want real men. Men that actually do containt them. They don't want a nice guy or some needy fuck that will do anything and everything for them or even a nerd that seemingly only speaks Klingon. They want a dick. A giant shovanistic dick who loves the sound of his voice. But how are they supposed to express their feelings to a dick? It's not like a dick has ears so how are the women supposed to communicate with them? Well that's very simple, and it conveniently allows me to segway to my next point.
You see not all men are self-obsessed bastards, losers or freaks that scare the living shit out of you. There is a small percentage that actually cares about what women have to say. That's right, they give a fuck about what color her shoes are. They listen and even give women insightful feedback. Now we know all you men out there are thinking 'Wow! How can I be like that? Then I'll have any girl I want eating out of the palm of my hand!' Wrong. They would be doing no such thing. Why? Because that would make you homosexual. You would love men. Though in this day and age, it is probably wrong to say homosexual. We're sure there is a euphemism out there that pleases these folks, but we have done absolutely no research regarding this so let's just call them 'Fags'.
No, the other kind of fag.
That's right. Fags.

Women, and How They Can Do No Wrong (Or It's Your Ass)

Women tend to look for that guy in Twilight. By my calculations, this means that they want a 150 year old mysterious man who watches them while they sleep and tells them what they must do, since they clearly must be too simple minded to decide for themselves. That's right, they don't want just any dick, they want a 150 year old one who stalks and controls them, all while acting mysteriously. This is what they refer to as 'romance'.

Romance

Pictured: Romance

A warning for men: if you are the type of guy who is into those silent, reserved type girls, you must approach with caution. These creatures may seem innocent, but they usually do the most fucked up shit. This is not necessarily a bad thing though, it just means you need to watch out for those pesty STDs.

Of coarse, not all women do that shit. That would be fucking ridiculous. Some women claim they do the nastiest shit you've ever heard, but once the lights go out, they seem to turn into prudes all of a sudden, like that annoying blonde chick in American Beauty. Why would they do such a thing? Why would they lie to your face. Well it turns out women are pathological liars. They only said all that shit so that they could get some attention. It's kind of sad actually...

Anyways, there also exists crazy bitches. They are about 82% of the female population so it's kind of important to talk about them. These women fuck with your mind. They tell you one thing, but they mean something else. Hell, they probably mean the complete opposite. This attitude is very irritating for men, since they cannot understand this concept. Men are direct. These women are not. Conflict ensues. For example, if a man were to ask a crazy bitch if she was angry at him, she would reply that she wasn't even if she was. The man will then put away those fears that he was hurting her in some way and never think about them again. Yet chances are, the bitch was mad at him and she will keep those angry feelings in until one day, she just won't be able to hold it in any longer. She explodes. And the poor confused bastard who only forgot to buy lactose-free milk for her is faced with an onslaught of insults involving things he did years ago.

The Truth about Dating

Though, at first glance, it may seem that men and women are very different in regards to what they search for in the opposite sex. Through our extensive research with the help of the scientists at Cracked, we have created an unbias and indeed perfect study. We interviewed five 16 year old boys (who are seemingly addicted to porn) and five 16 year old girls (who love Twilight). The results are quite shocking. We have found that the two actually want the exact same thing. Men want to control (even through they have proven they can't), and women want to be controlled (even though they try to deny it).

The only problem is in regard to sex. Men want it now. Women want it later.

The Solutions

Our research team has decided that there is only one thing to do regarding this problem. Men should be rewarded with a prostitute after each date, while women should be treated with the company of a 'Fag'. This way, everybody wins.

However, for those that aren't into the whole prostitution thing (since they are riddled with desease and everything), there is another solution. One that most men could never admit to themselves. Like we have said earlier, men are direct. They don't tip toe around everything until they snap like Michael Douglas in Falling Down, and beat the everloving shit out of everyone. No, if they have a problem with you, they address it straight on. Our point is if men are all direct, this means that they all understand eachother. Since they all understand eachother, this means that they can have a loving and caring relationship with one another without any problems. Yes, that's right. We're proposing that straight men date other straight men. We know that there are faults with this conclusion and many questions are left unanswered, such as 'how does the sex work in this case?' But, sometimes sacrifices need to be made for the greater good, if you know what I mean... As The Rolling Stones song goes 'You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need.'