Full House

This sitcom ran from 1987 to 1995, then for-fucking-ever on syndication. It was about a single father trying to raise his three daughters and two man-children in San Francisco after his wife gets killed by a drunk driver. And that's just the premise!

Just The Facts

  1. Full House is an American television sitcom that originally ran in primetime for eight seasons on ABC. We can only assume this is due to a pact between Bob Sagat and Satan.
  2. Set in San Francisco, California, the show chronicles widowed father Bob Saget who, after the death of his wife in a car accident caused by a drunk driver, enlists his best friend Dave Coulier and his brother-in-law John Stamos to help raise his three daughters in a good feeling, lotsa-hugging way.
  3. Aired on ABC's TGIF, or Thank Goodness It's Funny - which, due to shows like Step By Step, this show and Family Matters, made said slogan a filthy, filthy lie..
  4. Later on in the series, John's wife Lori Loughlin joins the household. This should not be held against my future wife in any way, goddammit!

Cracked on Full House

Whatever happened to predictability - The milk man, the paper boy, evening TV? Apparantly that all goes out the window when your wife is horribly slaughtered by a drunk driver and you're stuck raising three obnoxious daughters and two equally obnoxious adults. Such is life on Full House, where morning show personality/stork Danny Tanner (Sagat) has to jump through hoops on a daily basis to get the simplest fucking task done, due to the shiftless incompetence of his dead-eyed family members. Sweeter than Sweetback's Baadasssss Song, more canned laughter than Starkist and Del Monte combined, and always leaving on a feel-good promise that tomorrow will be better than today, Full House maimed the eyes of millions and set precedent for Most Cloying, Emotionally Bear-Bating Plots Ever.

Cast, from left to right,: (top) Monkeychild, Asshat, Stork, Meg Griffin, Aladdin

(bottom) My Future Wife, Two Dameons, Elvis Impersonator, Meth Head, and Chicken Lady from Kids In The Hall.

Half-Full Characters

Danny Tanner

The aformentened damned is a widowed father who - despite being incapable of charm or good looks - somehow hosts a morning talk show on local television. A real straight shitty arrow , Danny Tanner's character is noted for his obsessive-compulsive cleaning habits, dorky manner, and a sickening need for hugs and love. In other words, a real weirdo.

Jesse Katsopolis

Danny's brother-in-law or cousin or something, he's from Greece, or the Beach Boys, or the movie Grease. A terrible musician who somehow manages to make a living doing something he fails at consistently, he lives in the basement, where his kind belong. That is, until he gets an inordinately hot wife who is apparently attracted only to men who barely have jobs and function as live-in babysitters. He also loves his stupid hair, which supports the idea that he is actually from Grease. He procreates later in the series, and the show's overarcing theme of making juvenile twin actors work 16-hour days continued.

Joey Gladstone

This fucking guy is supposed to be a comedian, even though nothing he ever says or does is even remotely funny. This creep isn't related to anybody in the Tanner family but still lives there rent-free and as payback acts as the biggest asshat alive. That's like letting the dude that would drink the bong water you went to college with live at your house 20 years later.

Yeah, this guy. What the fuck did he do to those blinds?

With only two impressions he does sorta OK of cartoon characters no kid born after 1970 would get (Popeye? Bullwinkle? Really? That shit wasn't even popular to begin with, asshat!) he also hosts some fucking kids show at some point in the series. But why would you even let your kid go to some single, 30-something male adult's closed-set show who relates to children more than he does to people his own age? Much less let him attend to your pre-pubescent daughters in the intimacy of your own home? Isn't there a registry this failure clown should be on that would prohibit him from being around minors?

WTF, Joey?

D.J. Tanner

The unfortunately portly foil to many escapades of the Tanner clan, DJ has the burden of having both the most amount of clear memories of her dead mother and of being the most unsightly of the Tanner children. She was Meg Griffin before that character was a twinkle in Seth McFarlane's comedic sledgehammer of a mind.

Pictured: DJ Tanner, Circa 1990.

Even worse, she was a real person, apparantly, named Candace Cameron, who was related to Kirk Cameron, who was in Listen To Me with Nancy Valen, who was in The Big Picture with Kevin Bacon.

More like 4 degrees, asshat!

The most direct way to describe her character is that she was the complete opposite of Lori Laughlin (see below) in every single way imaginable, which if you actually think about the many different avenues that this can lead down makes her the most pathetic character ever created in fiction. Why would they put Candace through this ordeal? Hell, they even gave her a good looking Aladdin as a boyfriend, only to write him out in the 7th season. It's as if she were a cruel dare the writers came up with the first day outlining the show.

Judging by this headshot, she is also available for snuff films and Elizabeth Smart docu-dramas.

Stephanie Tanner

A classic "middle child syndrome" case, Stephanie Tanner was the most brazen of the bunch, often engaging in questionable acts with suspicious motives, and an attention seeker extrordanaire. Her catch-phrase, "How rude!" was interrupted in the early 90's by Urkel, and the two had a bloody UFC-style cage match on the backlot of Warner Brothers Studios. Let's just say Urkel won and Stephanie was written out for a few episodes due to concussive damage.

"Did I do that? Goddamn right I did, motherfucker!"

What else? Her beloved Mr. Bear was a placebo for her dead mother, and she once backed Joey's car into the kitchen. That's pretty much it.

Oh, also, the actress who played her totally loved meth. Like, totally.

What the fuck's her name was also married to a police officer!
And was a school teacher at the time! I know, right?
Michelle Tanner

The tiny tykes that took Tinsletown by T-storm, Michelle's juvenile antics brought merriment and much-needed warmhearted joviality into the Tanner's otherwise traumatic heart-puking lives. Having been born apparantly while Dead Mom Pam was dying after being killed by a drunk driver, Michelle is the youngest of the bunch, whose innocence and preternatural charm helped ease the family unit into HOLY SHIT SHE WAS PLAYED BY THESE GIRLS?

From monkeys to (wo)men: the clincher in evolution's argument.

Well now we should all feel a little dirty for watching these two tumultous twins twilight from tweenage to tall twomanhood.

Supporting Characters

Comet

The fucking dog. I think it died eventually. Or not. Who gives a shit?

Kimmy Gibbler

Some chickenhead smart-mouth who lived next door and was best friends with the ever-unpopular DJ. Fuck, if you wanted to continue heaping shit upon a character, just give them the most annoying person you could imagine as a best friend, I guess. I think she died too, maybe along with Comet.

The writers hated you, DJ. Hated you so much.

Lori Laughlin - uh - Rebecca Donaldson

A seraphim gracing the lives of the dismal doomed Tanner family, Rebecca Donaldson (played sumptuously by Lifetime movie star Lori Laughlin) was co-host to Storkenstein Tanner on some innocuous morning show before marrying Greasey Jesse in season 4. She gives birth to some twins before miraculously bouncing back into super-awesomely fit shape immediately afterwards.

Before and After Twins: (note: not accruate, but man she's cute)

She also deals with all the "female" issues in the Tanner household, which are considerable, since there are THREE GODDAMN GIRLS in the house. Apparantly Danny's still polishing the kitchen counter that reminds him of his dead wife's smooth ass, Jesse's looking at his fucking hair again, and Joey's too busy playing with Mr. Woodchuck to pick up a fucking book and learn something about women. My Lori, if anything good came out of this saccrine-sweet series, it was you, Ms. Laughlin.

The End (or: Thank Goodness It's Fucking Over)

This goddamn show ended once the wheels of hell stopped spinning for a second and ABC woke up and smelled the idiocy. After 8 years on the air - in which the country went into a deep recession and got into the first Iraq War (coincidence? Watch your ass, Two And A Half Men) this abomination of "entertainment" was finally sent to the glue factory, where the hooves of DJ were made into something useful, finally.