Taco Bell

Taco Bell is one of the top fast food chains in the US and specializes in Americanized Mexican food, meaning it's cheap, sloppy and directed towards fat/drunk people...lazy fat/drunk people.

Typical...

A Taco Bell craving can strike at any time.

Just The Facts

  1. Taco Bell is the only fast food restaurant to be sued by 50 Cent, obviously outraged by their prices.
  2. Taco Bell's value menu focuses around items priced at 79, 89 or 99 cents with none of it being worth the price.
  3. Taco Bell features 3 different levels of hot sauces including mild, hot and your ass will regret this tonight.
  4. Billy Mays, before his death, was set to do an advertising campaign for Taco Bell in late 2009
  5. There are Taco Bells in Mexico where they are labeled as strictly American food.
  6. Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson and Little Richard did Taco Bell commercials in the early 90's.

On The Menu

To really understand the genius that is Taco Bell, one needs to break down the menu. The menu is full of tasty words like cheesy, beefy, bacon, steak, fully-loaded and supreme. Of course you still get the douchebags that will argue with you that its ok to eat Taco Bell because its not bad for you like other fast food places. We call these people idiots.

Pictured above: Idiot, Douchebags

Taco Bell does however make it very easy for you to look up nutrition facts on their website...that is if your chubby fingers can type in the right keys. Hell, they even group their worst foods for you in one convenient section labeled salads. Wait, what the fuck, salads? That's right, Taco Bell is so bad ass and innovative that their salads are the worst regular nutritional items on the menu.

Ok, so the salads are obviously awesome, but what about the rest of the menu. The major difference between Taco Bell and other fast food restaurants is that there is no bread to get in your way. You wont find any buns here, so you can get right to the point of filling your stomach with pure cheese and beef. Stupid carbs won't get in your way, so you can pack your stomach with even more and still be hungry 30 minutes later.

Rabbits and buns are safe at Taco Bell.

Then there is of course the special taco meat. Not much is known about this mushy protein other than its ability to clean out your intestines in an hour or less. Many have speculated that it is mixed with crack that keeps customers coming back for more even after numerous sleepless nights. You are however lucky to get a good serving of it on your taco, because it's usually so packed full of lettuce it looks like a cabbage patch kid exploded.

Then there is the ultimate desert. The Choco Taco. A taco with a graham like shell, filled with vanilla ice cream and topped with chocolate. So why not get rid of that little bit of protein your body needs and switch out the meat for some ice cream. The perfect compliment to that 900-calorie salad and large Baja Blast you just put down.

Taco Marketing

Make no mistake about it, Taco Bell is a cash cow in today's society and spends tons on advertising. If it's not tacos being crammed down your throat damnit, it's going to be the catchy taglines and jingles that stick in your head the whole damn day.

Chihuahua

Unless you were living under a rock in Utah at the time, you have seen the talking Chihuahua on T.V. Often simply referred to as the "Taco Bell Dog", it was the most popular marketing campaign of Taco Bell in the late 90's and brought us the famous tagline: "Yo Quiero Taco Bell" (I Want Taco Bell). From this point on, lunch orders at work became a pain after the one asshole wouldn't stop quoting the cute little dog he saw on T.V. This marketing campaign rolled along until Hispanic viewers labeled the dog a stereotype for Latin Americans, which was obviously not exactly true, because the dog actually had a steady, secure job. Your Jeopardy answer of the day is Gidget, the name of the main dog used in the ads. It was put to sleep in 2009, but the memory lives on... mainly in the taco meat.

79,89,99: Why Pay More?

Look at it like a Taco Stimulus Package for this shitty economy. These commercials taught us that taking change from laundry mats, convenience marts and a little girl's lemonade stand could earn us great food for a cheap price...well actually free if you follow the rules. Just say you'll pay them back tomorrow and you'll be good. Then repeat the following day.

In 2009, Taco Bell debuted the "It's All About the Roosevelts" campaign at the MLB All Star Game. It involved a two-minute music video of two white guys making it "hail" FDR's all over the place.

Lets break this commercial down.

Hot Girls. Check

Enough dimes to clearly be able to eat at Red Lobster. Check

Hot girls dressed as bankers. Check

Token black guy. Check

Hot girl excited over Taco Bell's big beef burrito. Check.

Big finish with logo shot. Check.

Now that's how you make a commercial. Forget a dollar menunaire, dropping a couple of these polished polios will get you an upgrade in all your taco based needs...now that's what I call a New Deal!

Yes, good old FDR is rolling around in his grave...

This promotion also ended up in a lawsuit when 50 Cent was linked to the Why Pay More? campaign without his consent. Taco Bell only wanted him to change his name to 79 Cent, 89 Cent, or hell, even 99 Cent. Evidently, 50, or rather Fiddy, looked at this as ruining his street cred, that and he didn't value himself that highly for such a pay raise. Taco Bell basically responded by calling him an idiot who couldn't take a joke... and he probably likes fish dicks too.

Taco Bell, apparently for Wankstas

Apparently, Taco Bell is only for Wankstas.

Fruitista Freeze

Taco Bell pulled from their list of completely made up words like quesadilla, volcano and bell, to announce that everyone needed a "break-cation". Yes, if you like watered-down slushies, then a Frutista Freeze is right up your alley. Clearly an attempt to give 7-11 a big FU, Taco Bell added "fresh fruit" to offset the ridiculous price point for frozen Kool-Aid. In 2009, Taco Bell ramped up the annoyance by releasing the updated Pina Colada song featuring such lyrics like "If you hate filling out your time sheets" or "Hate getting stuck in this lane". So even if your life currently sucks, even you can get a brain freeze to numb all your depression away.

At Home Tacos

You can also find Taco Bell branded shells, salsas and burritos at your local grocery store. Commercials ran in the late 90's, with that damn dog again, holding a sign that said free dog with purchase. This was of course an attempt to get the actual Taco Bell flavor at home, but now you will just have to settle for some ground beef...that or visit your local humane society.

Movie Tie-Ins

Taco Bell has partnered with some big movies in the past including the remake of Godzilla and Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. Which leads to two more Taco Bell meat substitutes: Lizard and Gungan. Taco Bell was also featured in the movie Demolition Man starring Sly Stallone who confesses his love for the tacos. If it's good enough for Rambo, it's good enough for you.

NBA

In 2009, Taco Bell also outbid McDonalds to become the official fast food partner of the NBA. So be prepared to see a lot of Pina Colada commercials during the next season.

Ever wonder how Kobe Bryant won all those championships? #7 combo with a soft taco and Pepsi to drink.

"Think Outside the Bun"

Screw the box, boxes were out in the 80's. Taco Bell is hip and fresh and in order to get all these ideas, it involves some heavy board room brainstorming. Talking dog, guy dressing up in drag, creepy guys at parties, spewing cheese of everyone, sweaty groom on his wedding day? You have to hand it to them, these ideas had to take all of 10 minutes of concentration before they went right to commercial. Now that's thinking outside the box...damnit, I mean bun.

Volcano Tacos/Burritos

We have all been there. It's your wedding day, your extremely nervous and hoping you don't forget the custom vows you worked on. If there is anything to settle your stomach, it's a Taco Bell Volcano Bean Burrito. Why worry, it is your wedding after all, do what you want. Face turns a weird shade of red and you break out in sweats? That's what photoshop is for.

Key To Taco Success= Happy Fat People

For a business to be successful, it has to keep their customers happy. Taco Bells are found throughout the county as either a stand-alone operation or combined with a KFC or Pizza Hut. This keeps customers happy because it allows them to get a gordita crunch and chicken strips on that personal pan pizza they want.

Taco Bell also attempts to keep the menu fresh by adding special menu items, usually by month, easily making it the best monthly gift available among female voters. These items are around just long enough to get you hooked, before they are taken from the menu, leaving you in a burrito-fueled withdrawal state. And we can't forget about the exclusive Mountain Dew Baja Blast! But what do they do when they start to run out of new ideas? Add bacon...

Lets also not forget the sauce packets. Ever been sitting your lonely ass in McDonalds looking at those plain old ketchup packets and wishing it would say something? Well I have good news for you, Taco Bell packets have clever little sayings written on them for you to enjoy. So go ahead and start up a conversation and help that packet out by scratching it's back, but if it starts talking back to you, see a doctor...or add bacon.

Rejected Sauce Slogans

So whether you love it or hate it, Taco Bell is what America is all about: make something cheap and then sell it for more than its worth. Taco Bell will continue to thrive in this economy and make so much money that one day, America will be forced to ask the great nation of Taco Bell for a bailout. So after selling them the Liberty Bell for their next commercial, the economy will finally be back on track.

God Bless America!