Solitaire

Solitaire is a card game that is commonly (meaning almost always) played on the computer. Alternating colored cards are put in descending chronological order and then put in four piles organized by suit in ascending chronological order.

The prize of winning solitaire: a screen raped by cards

Just The Facts

  1. Solitaire is the perfect time-waster and procrastination device.
  2. It is not particularly fun and requires little to no brain power, contrary to popular belief. Nevertheless, it is strangely addicting and satisfying for some reason.
  3. If played on the computer, it can be easily minimized in the case of a boss walking by or a nosy, obnoxious coworker who will report your lack of work to said boss.

Cracked on Solitaire

Solitaire began as a manual, solitary (hence the name 'solitaire') card game that was too tedious and long to actually play. In general, it is pretty pathetic to sit and play cards against yourself. Not only does gameplay waste precious daylight, but it also takes a long time to set and clean up with no one but yourself to talk to while managing this task, resulting in you acting similarly to a homeless schizophrenic picking up food scraps from the ground. Solitaire as a card game is reserved for people who have no friends to actually play cards with and therefore have plenty of time to waste. Another name for solitaire is 'patience,' which you will need a fucking lot of if you want to get through the game. When technological advances produced the computer and computer solitaire was invented, lazy people who had less but still some time to waste were handed the perfect means of procrastination and the reason that ADD exists. Today, this game is abused to the point that work is neglected and deadlines are missed all because of the time spent dragging virtual cards from one place to another. From an outside perspective, solitaire is neither fun nor stimulating. However, as the general consensus of humanity is against doing anything productive, solitaire is an easy alternative.

Types of Virtual Solitaire

Classic Solitaire

This is the type of solitaire that you will most likely find when you scroll down the games section of your computer. It involves a lot of clicking and dragging. Though there may be some skill involved in dragging one card over another, the outcome of the game really depends on whichever cards the solitaire computer generator decides to give you. Sometimes it will give you an easy shot at a win, but other times it will spit in your face by putting the one card you need to win the game underneath a card you can't place anywhere else. It will mock you silently as you frantically click the pile of cards at the top left hand corner only to realize that none of those cards can be used. The smart thing to do at this point would be to quit solitaire, take your Ritalin, and return to whatever work you were avoiding before. The more common option, however, is to click 'file' and 'new game' so that you can further prolong the procrastination. After starting several new games, your eyes bloodshot and your head missing several chunks of hair, the computer may finally decide to give you a hand that will allow you to win. When that victory finally comes, coupled with a sigh of relief as you wipe the beads of sweat from your forehead, you can pat yourself on the back all you want, but no one gives a shit. The proof that the computer just continues to mock you for playing that fucking game in the first place is your prize. Congratulations, you've just won a screen attacked by thousands of bouncing cards!

What an office drone imagined winning solitaire would be like

What an office drone imagined winning solitaire would be like

Spider Solitaire

The reason that this type of solitaire shares the same name as a disgusting, multi-legged insect remains a mystery. It may have something to do with the parallel vertical piles of cards that look somewhat like spider legs if spider legs were stick straight and perfectly alligned, but that doesn't change the fact that "spider solitaire" sounds like the name for a gang of goth teenagers. This version of solitaire is even easier than the classic version (wait, that's possible?) as it involves only one suit, unless of course you play the more difficult two suit or four suit levels in which case you might want to reconsider your priorities in life. This game involves organizing the cards in descending chronological order from kings to aces. When the full set is completed, that pile of cards zooms off to the left hand corner of the screen as you continue gameplay. The object is to organize all the cards in these completed piles. However, the twist is that when you deal another set of cards, the new cards that land on the existing uncompleted piles are (gasp!) not necessarily chronologically descending. You have to rely on your cunning brain to figure out how to overcome that obstacle in the game. It is so easy to cheat in spider solitaire because there is a little help device called the M key on the keyboard. When you press M, the game enlightens you on strategic moves you may have overlooked while simultaneously playing an obnoxious riff of music that seems to say, "Look how magical technology is! The spider solitaire god caught something that your human eye did not!" If you press M and there is no possible move you can make, the game breaks your eardrums with an even more obnoxious, blaring noise. This noise seems to say, "You suck. Now deal some more cards."

Solitaire Rush

No, this is not the name of an induction ceremony into some solitaire-worshipping fraternity. Solitaire rush refers to competitive solitaire. No doubt you are surprised, but this actually does exist. Someone managed to turn the world's loneliest game into a competition. The game itself is simple: whoever beats classic solitaire in the shortest amount of time is the winner. On certain gambling websites, this game can be played for money. However, for the majority of people who spend their time playing solitaire rush, the benefit is finding solace in the fact that there are other people with no friends who share a similar interest, and a bond forms; at least until one player completely shits in the other players' laps by beating their high scores. That's when things get ugly.

Other

There are way too many other types of solitaire to mention. Basically, you can play any type of themed solitaire game you can think of. However, a much easier way to play with different themes is just to play classic solitaire and change the design on the back of the cards.

The Future of Solitaire

As long as there are strict deadlines to meet, people will continue to play solitaire. It has become completely ingrained in our cultural desire to avoid work at any cost. So that important report can wait until after that one game of solitaire. Or maybe two...okay fine, three.

This guy found another way to procrastinate

This guy found another way to procrastinate