18 Kids And Counting

It's really sad when the top story is no longer the war or the economy, but who Jon Gosselin was last seen snorting coke off a dead hooker's ass with (sources say it's currently Kate Major). Now if that wasn't bad enough, there is now yet ANOTHER show airing called "18 Kids and Counting," where, you guessed it: a woman has 18 fucking kids - and plans on having more.

Before I get into the morality of the situation, I just want (for a second) for you to envision what this woman's vagina must look like. Talk about your roast beef sandwiches. You could probably wear this woman as a hat, unbeknownst to her. I'm pretty sure that movie Abyss was filmed at or around her genital area, or would similarly resemble dropping a coin into a well. Like if you called into it, would you hear an echo?

Let's talk about "18 Kids AND COUNTING", meaning, they're not done yet. Upon looking at the TLC network site about this "Duggar" family, I was horrified at what I saw - all of the kids (including dad "Jim-Bob") names start with "J"

Jinger -> She's not even a god damn redhead.
Jessa -> Jessa? Really? You couldn't just name her Jessica? Or was that name already taken by kid number 4?
Jill -> Touche. But her future goal is to become a missionary. Wonder whose idea that was.
John-David -> I feel like they really wanted to name the kid David, but in keeping with the "J" tradition decided they should give him some sort of binomial nomenclature, you know, for funsies.
Jana -> Pretty normal, almost like they didn't want to use the name Jenna yet in case they needed it in a quick fix.
Joshua -> Getting more biblical now
Jason -> Fine.
Jeremiah -> Was he a bullfrog?
Jedidiah -> Now you're just making stuff up.
Joy-Anna -> Aww cause she brought you joy? How about you let her have a normal childhood and just name her fucking Joanna. Oh but wait, the whole 17 brothers and sisters thing...forget it. (Ps, she goes by just "Anna" now, probably because it's like naming your fucking kid "Funshine")
Josiah -> What is with this family and naming their sons after biblical kings that were brutally murdered?
Joseph -> This would be fine if I knew it wouldn't be accompanied by an amazing technicolor dreamcoat.
Jordyn-Grace Makiya -> Call it a hunch, but i highly doubt the family believes in the "less is more" principle.
Jennifer -> Getting warmer...
Johannah Faith -> Oh I see why they went for JOY Anna, so they could name this one JOHannah. Johannah know something? I think these people are fucking retarded.
Jackson -> well we just lost one...
Justin -> Ah, something tells me when this woman snaps out of her epidural induced state of mind, she's capable of naming her child something that won't get him wedgied and stuck to a flagpole.
James -> probably King James, I'm assuming. Afterall, we're talking Arkansas and the bible.

Let's not forget the mother, Michelle. For all intents and purposes lady, at least change your fucking name and keep up with the theme.

If you actually look at some of these children's 'profiles,' their hobbies include "babysitting" - which is no shocker to me - because how could anyone who's busy getting pregnant all the time have enough hours of the day to look after her kids? That would just make NO sense at all! I mean, she's making the damn things, she shouldn't have to look after them too.

Another interesting piece, is that there are games on the website. "Think you know the Duggars? Test your wits." Yeah, I know them, they're a bunch of fucking morons that haven't yet learned the dangers of child exploitation and how it tears families apart.

"Play the name that Duggar game!" Can you name all 18 Duggar children before time runs out? God knows the parents probably don't even know all of them, that's not even a fair game. That's like trying to ask Bush to name all 50 states. If you were a child in this family, and the object of the game was for people to try and remember your first name, however atrocious it may be, wouldn't you be slightly offended? I mean it's bad enough Mommy is too depressed to love you past the age of 3 that she has to keep popping out babies to keep her post-partem party from making her want to stick her head in the god damn oven Sylvia Plath style.

Does nobody have a soul? Is the world so depressingly bleak that the only thing that's entertainment is watching others self destruct? I mean sure, I'll watch Paris Hilton seizure from a 3 day coke binge with a bucket of popcorn and a box of sno-caps, but there's a line that has to be drawn somewhere. This woman has been pregnant for 12 years of her life. 12 YEARS. I don't even want to be pregnant for 9 months. For over a decade, there has always been someone living inside this woman. She's like one of those motels in horror movies that never have any vacancies, only this is real life - I just hope she's able to provide these fetuses a womb with a view. (ha ha)

But now, of course, we can all probably predict the outcome of this fornicating fiasco - The older the kids get, the more they'll realize how absolutely ridiculous it is to be exploited via media, they'll resent their parents, the parents will get all upset cause hey, you gave them life they should be grateful, right? Well, when you turn your family into a breathing media circus where everyone is watching your every move - like you didn't hold little Jabba the Hut's hand while he was crossing the street and now you win worst mother of the year, or Jemiroquai gets caught smoking a blunt with his friends who just thought the death of Jesus wouldn't be righteous enough without being able to taste the colors of the sky, and before you know it your husband JIM BOB is running off with an 18 year old swimsuit model who uses his fame to purchase her some high quality eight balls, because let's face it, when he nails her it actually doesn't resemble sticking your foot inside a pillowcase. Oh, and I bet hers doesn't look like the Gates of Hades either.

** Simulated Image of Michelle Duggar's Baby Portal **

I think I speak for many when I say, seal it up. All of you, the Gosselins, the Duggars, and most of fucking all, the TLC network.