Religions

Some people say that religion is mankind's search for meaning in life. Others maintain it's something that nutjobs espouse to make themselves feel better about dying alone/small penis size. &&(navigato

Not pictured: Scientology, Flying-Spaghetti-Monsterism.

Just The Facts

  1. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of religions practiced around the world today.
  2. Religion is the third leading cause of people getting blown up, after alchohol-fueled playing with fireworks and being in a Micheal Bay movie.
  3. According to Atheists, you are a fucking caveman if you follow any of them.

Introduction

Religions are, in the simplest terms, a set of beliefs, for example the god(s) creating the Heavens and the Earth, paired with a moral code, which or may not include being nice to other people and not fucking your T.A., your best friend's wife, or the Johnson's chihuhua. Practitioners of a religion will often express (Read: Won't shut the hell up about) their beliefs through meditation, prayer, art, and leaving inflammatory comments on Youtube videos about baby ducks.

So, what are some of the more popular religions, you ask? Well, let's take a look.

Christianity

Bless You

One of the most, if not THE most practiced religions on the planet, Christianity was founded somewhere around 2000 years ago, with primary focus being the teachings and life of Jesus of Nazereth, who is also the Deity of the Christian faith. There are many different variations of Christianity, so we're only going to cover the basics here.

The Man himself, Ladies and Gents.

Fundimental Beliefs:

- Jesus is the son of God, who had come to earth to spread the word of god, with help from his Twelve Apostles. He then died on the Cross after being betrayed by his Apostle, Judas, in order to have our sins forgiven.

- Jesus IS God. (Thought the Terminator movies were confusing? Fuck You.)

- God created the Heavens and the Earth in Seven Days.

- Kirk Cameron is talented.

- They are somehow being oppressed, even though the Majority of our world leaders identify themselves as some form of Christian, and in fact, Christian leaders such as Pat Robertson and James Dobson are among the wealthiest and most powerful people in America.

-Homosexuality, masturbation, and the pull-out method are all abominations. But only if you get caught.

Pictured: The kind of guy alot of Christians don't like.

Pictured: The Kind of guy most Christians don't like.

Fun Facts:

- The word "Christian" comes from the Greek "Khristos", meaning "Annoited" or "Chosen." This would explain the self-rightious egomania.

- Christian Fiction has exactly 2 genres; Children's entertainment, which is every bit as preachy and horrible as you'd expect, and the Apocalyptic Thriller, which never fails to read and/or play out like an 8th Grader's revenge fantasy.

Judaism

Shalom

Judaism is to Christianity as the Tim Burton Batman movies are to The Joel Schumacher Batman movies: The gritty, dark predesscessor to a light-hearted, critically-panned family romp. Yes, though the Torah, the Jewish holy book, is in the Bible as the Old Testament, these guys did it first. Between a long history, biblical-scale (See what I did there?) suffering, and having a vengeful God, who by turning rivers into blood (Quite possibly the most Metal of divine punishments,) blowing up cities for having gay people live there, and flooding the entire planet, just to prove who wore the fucking pants in this universe, Judaism is HARD CORE.

Fundimental Beliefs:

- God is vengeful, jealous, and will fuck you sideways if you cross him.

- After freeing them from Egyptian slavery, Moses led the Jews to Israel in a 40-year Trek through the desert. Insert your own joke about the complaining here.

- Speaking of Moses, God gave him the 10 Commandments, and that they are his law. This was after Moses talked him down from twelve. No, really. Look it up. It's in the Bible. Somewhere.

- Paying retail price is for chumps.

Fun Facts:

- A good number of comedians, entertainers, and celebrities are Jewish, as are a good number of our deli owners and Bankers.

- They are all up to something (At least, according to your uncle who lives in the deep south.)

- Over 6 million jews died in the Holocaust. The only thing that's funny about that is that some assholes claim that it didn't happen, although the evidence is overwhelming.