Religions
Some people say that religion is mankind's search for meaning in life. Others maintain it's something that nutjobs espouse to make themselves feel better about dying alone/small penis size.
Just The Facts
- There are hundreds, if not thousands, of religions practiced around the world today.
- Religion is the third leading cause of people getting blown up, after alchohol-fueled playing with fireworks and being in a Micheal Bay movie.
- According to Atheists, you are a fucking caveman if you follow any of them.
Introduction
Religions are, in the simplest terms, a set of beliefs, for example the god(s) creating the Heavens and the Earth, paired with a moral code, which or may not include being nice to other people and not fucking your T.A., your best friend's wife, or the Johnson's chihuhua. Practitioners of a religion will often express (Read: Won't shut the hell up about) their beliefs through meditation, prayer, art, and leaving inflammatory comments on Youtube videos about baby ducks.
So, what are some of the more popular religions, you ask? Well, let's take a look.
Christianity
Bless You
One of the most, if not THE most practiced religions on the planet, Christianity was founded somewhere around 2000 years ago, with primary focus being the teachings and life of Jesus of Nazereth, who is also the Deity of the Christian faith. There are many different variations of Christianity, so we're only going to cover the basics here.
The Man himself, Ladies and Gents.
Fundimental Beliefs:
- Jesus is the son of God, who had come to earth to spread the word of god, with help from his Twelve Apostles. He then died on the Cross after being betrayed by his Apostle, Judas, in order to have our sins forgiven.
- Jesus IS God. (Thought the Terminator movies were confusing? Fuck You.)
- God created the Heavens and the Earth in Seven Days.
- Kirk Cameron is talented.
- They are somehow being oppressed, even though the Majority of our world leaders identify themselves as some form of Christian, and in fact, Christian leaders such as Pat Robertson and James Dobson are among the wealthiest and most powerful people in America.
-Homosexuality, masturbation, and the pull-out method are all abominations. But only if you get caught.
Pictured: The Kind of guy most Christians don't like.
Fun Facts:
- The word "Christian" comes from the Greek "Khristos", meaning "Annoited" or "Chosen." This would explain the self-rightious egomania.
- Christian Fiction has exactly 2 genres; Children's entertainment, which is every bit as preachy and horrible as you'd expect, and the Apocalyptic Thriller, which never fails to read and/or play out like an 8th Grader's revenge fantasy.
Judaism
Shalom
Judaism is to Christianity as the Tim Burton Batman movies are to The Joel Schumacher Batman movies: The gritty, dark predesscessor to a light-hearted, critically-panned family romp. Yes, though the Torah, the Jewish holy book, is in the Bible as the Old Testament, these guys did it first. Between a long history, biblical-scale (See what I did there?) suffering, and having a vengeful God, who by turning rivers into blood (Quite possibly the most Metal of divine punishments,) blowing up cities for having gay people live there, and flooding the entire planet, just to prove who wore the fucking pants in this universe, Judaism is HARD CORE.
Fundimental Beliefs:
- God is vengeful, jealous, and will fuck you sideways if you cross him.
- After freeing them from Egyptian slavery, Moses led the Jews to Israel in a 40-year Trek through the desert. Insert your own joke about the complaining here.
- Speaking of Moses, God gave him the 10 Commandments, and that they are his law. This was after Moses talked him down from twelve. No, really. Look it up. It's in the Bible. Somewhere.
- Paying retail price is for chumps.
Fun Facts:
- A good number of comedians, entertainers, and celebrities are Jewish, as are a good number of our deli owners and Bankers.
- They are all up to something (At least, according to your uncle who lives in the deep south.)
- Over 6 million jews died in the Holocaust. The only thing that's funny about that is that some assholes claim that it didn't happen, although the evidence is overwhelming.
"According to Atheists, you are a f*****g caveman if you follow any of them."
ReplyNo, that's according to an an anti-theist.
u iz raesist
ReplyReligion is not a race, idiot.
you tard, you know nothing about buddhism!! it's not a religon...because i am buddhist. well sorry for calling you a tard. i was just angry. AND let me tell you why you pissed me off. some people have the desire to talk down to people who don't agree with them. my desire was to know about what people say about buddhism...and it led me to this negative blog. i brought myself anger. and i understand that you don't fully know about religions. well i think religions are crap but it's what brings people together. and um there have been no wars fought in the name of buddhism. it's all truth, understanding, wisdom, insight, right judgement and reality. and meditation reduces stress, clears your mind from worry, help you sleep faster, control negative thoughts, reduce chronic illness and pain and even doctors use them. so now you know more about this philosophy. it is not a religion full of myths. it's a way of life. a way to live to improve yourself. it's science.
Replypeace! :)
TL;DR
Buddhism is a religion. Depending on what branch of buddhism, you may have to pray and shit. And build giant ass gold piles of crap for no particular reason at all.
@patrykused what the F&*^ are u talking about, seriously its like verbal diarrhea. also this artical is imense
ReplyThis is what really awaits us on the other side http://www.morningsquirtz.com/dont_go_into_the_light.html
Replyhello sir/madame, you wont believe what i've just seen, it was excitingly bright and had some colours to it (lol safari just said that "colours" is the wrong spelling, go f**k yourself america) then it went all blank, although it came back up again it wasn't the same, some strange difference to the other one, i didn't realize at first but then i noticed that it wasn't God, this time it was something much more powerful, much more... how could i say this, simple but at the same time more complex than God, it seemed very complete, nothing was missing and you couldn't add anything to it, i can't say it was perfect in every way but i couldn't, more or less, disagree with the fact it was better than God has been ever made out to be by anyone, tell me if this is all a paddle of words splashed out onto paper randomly but I say this is the truth and as much as i know you will want to agree with me this may not make much sense to you, although it plays a great deal in my life as of 10 minutes ago so i would politely ask you to join my quest to make people aware of this strange yet beautiful concept. I shall be awaiting an answer my dear friend.
ReplyThat made me LOL really hard, one of the better cracked articles ! Totally awesome
Reply'Pagan' was a term that prejudicially defined any non-christian, in times of more transparent religious intolerance. Nowadays, it seems to define anyone not faithful in the majoritary religions, such as Wicca, Asatru or Animism. So, every wiccan is a pagan, but not every pagan is a wiccan.
ReplyPeople have the urge to believe in something except Atheists.
Replyhello sir/madame, you wont believe what i've just seen, it was excitingly bright and had some colours to it (lol safari just said that "colours" is the wrong spelling, go f**k yourself america) then it went all blank, although it came back up again it wasn't the same, some strange difference to the other one, i didn't realize at first but then i noticed that it wasn't God, this time it was something much more powerful, much more... how could i say this, simple but at the same time more complex than God, it seemed very complete, nothing was missing and you couldn't add anything to it, i can't say it was perfect in every way but i couldn't, more or less, disagree with the fact it was better than God has been ever made out to be by anyone, tell me if this is all a paddle of words splashed out onto paper randomly but I say this is the truth and as much as i know you will want to agree with me this may not make much sense to you, although it plays a great deal in my life as of 10 minutes ago so i would politely ask you to join my quest to make people aware of this strange yet beautiful concept. I shall be awaiting an answer my dear friend.
Wiccans and Pagans are the same, right?
ReplyUh... Christians WERE oppressed. Like, 1,950 years ago. They don't get oppressed very much anymore, though they've done plenty of oppressing themselves... which I'm more than a little ashamed of, being a Christian myself.
ReplyYou should be ashamed,you f****n caveman!
The Wiccan part is completely false and badly researched.
ReplyTotally, not-gonna-call-u-man-cause-you-could-be-a-woman-for-all-i-know.
Woot! Kirk Cameron!
ReplyThe Islam section was kinda repetitive. And actually, you mistook your Jewish words; the Torah is the first five books of the OT and was probably what you were thinking of. Tha Talmud was actually written around the 3rd century AD, if I recall (it actually has a section on Jesus being killed, so it's relatively new).
Replythe section on Islam was a bit of a low-blow
Replyhow about some Neo-Paganism?
Funny, though the shinto description is highly inaccurate.
ReplyIt is in fact the SANE portion of Japanese culture and has almost nothing to do with anime, something i know from personal experience and other experiences i would like to forget...