Video Game Trivialties That Are Ruining Everything

Video games were invented by Soviet scientists to see if blocks would disappear if they formed a line. Since that fateful day these games have become something akin to boobs. Awesome. Until an asshole makes trivial observations of their quality.

Just The Facts

  1. Deadly Towers is the best game ever made.
  2. Video game loading screens are the perfect opportunities to construct a ship in a bottle.
  3. Scientists report that video games are a leading source of video game related statistics.
  4. Hookers do not accept video games as currency.

System wars are not bloody enough

"My system has a bigger dick than your system." - George Carlin (paraphrase)

System wars started in the 1990s when Nintendo and SEGA both acquired thermonuclear weapons of mass destruction, disassembled them, and created the Super Nintendo and SEGA Genesis from the assorted missle components. These devices still contained trace amounts of specific radiations which caused a fanatical zealotry in the fanbase and, therefore, epic battles to be waged across vast landscapes as the systems vied for superiority.

In the 2005s, or so, Sony, Nintendo and Microsoft furthered system wars by adding another console to the fray and using modern technology to create boxes capable of launching the ICBMs which started the system wars. To this date, battles have been waged between the factions through internet message boards, trade shows, and cosplay.

She will kill you if you disrespect Sony.

She will kill you if you disrespect Sony,

However, little physical violence and bloodshed has occurred since the early days of the wars. As such, people can keep screaming and marching down the freeway to demonstrate exactly how their system of choice is superior without any repercussions besides being called hurtful names on an internet message board or scoffed by their (maybe) real-life peers.

To combat this, rumor has it that Sony has packaged an officially licensed shiv within all PS3s produced since 2007. Seriously, open your PS3 and look for it.

Cutscenes are too short

Cutscenes are periods of inactivity in video games so that the player can receive narration, a chance to rest, or view the awesome graphics. As such, cutscenes developed from short introductory segments to the approximately 10 hours or so contained within Metal Gear Solid 4.

Believe it or not, this is a cutscene.

Believe it or not, this is a cutscene.

Right now, the year 2009 for the archaeologists of the future, cutscenes are too short. The length of each individual scene needs to be increased to where player interaction will be limited to pressing an in game button to cue the next cut scene. Also, the time between cutscenes must be decreased. This is, considered by many, the pinnacle of video game achievement. No longer will gamers have to brave repetitive motion strain injuries or master complicated button combinations to advance the story. The crowning achievement will be the day when gamers need only insert a game into their systems and, with a singular push of the start button, watch the game play itself through a series of cutscenes.

The only drawback to this is that most gamers are fed a strict diet of Mountain Dew and fried corn chips in assorted flavors. As such, video game developers have hired extensive teams of scientists to develop the technology needed so that gamers who have to use the facilities are able to pause and then resume the game using specialized buttons once they are finished masturbating.

A well lobed female scientist studies video games with a microscope.

Video games are too short

Even with cutscenes increasing the length (measured in time units, not distance units), video games are too short for the modern video game connoisseur. In order to appease this type of gamer, video game designers have created numerous focus groups consisting of video gamers to determine how exactly to increase a game's play time. Unfortunately, these panels did little more than eat nachos, drink Mountain Dew and lick cheese off each other.

Iron Chef Cat Cora supplied the nachos.

This lack of insight continues to plague video game design companies who struggle to increase the length of their product. Instead of drawn out travel segments which usually break narrative cohesion, designers have found ways of incorporating more of the violence and princess rescuing that gamers love. Doing so meant that systems no longer push the limits of graphics technology and instead devote more processing power and memory to gameplay. Where, in the past, gamers could relish driving through a sprawling wasteland on an ill-controlled vehicle, they now can enjoy up to seven and a half extra dungeons and levels with an increased number of unique enemies!

Once these two length adding devices have been incorporated into a finished product gamers will have the ability to play games which routinely require gameplay completion times around 200 hours. In addition, many games will incorporate World of Warcraft style leveling and item drop systems to allow gamers to spend double, triple or even quadruple the time required to thoroughly complete the game. Once cutscenes are added the games will increase in length to such a degree that gamers can enjoy playing games with time requirements akin to a full-time job.

"You load 16 tons, what do you get? Another day older and deeper in debt." - Tennessee Ernie Ford

Saving proves you are a bad gamer

Back when the Soviet scientists were developing block/gravity interaction technology for use in air-to-air combat applications, they stumbled across the idea of saving data. Of course, these experiments were done on computers smuggled into East Germany and, as such, saving was already a feature in the software package. One bright scientist, Mikhail Kolokonov, wrote a dissertation on how saving video game data would advance their science. Kolokonov was executed for his treasonous suggestion and buried beneath 14 different statues of Lenin.

Pictured: Soviet assassin. Not Pictured: Kolokonov's testicles.

Video game technology was smuggled into Japan after the collapse of the USSR when an unemployed and homeless scientist found his way to the land of school girls and Saiyans. This scientist, who later worked on the top secret Gundam Initiative, tried selling the data to various ramen carts but was denied sales by surprise Ninjas, the Japanese secret police. One day, however, he stumbled (drunk) upon Yuji Naka and Shigeru Miyamoto who happened to be out holding hands, picking cherry blossoms, and skipping through Tokyo. After vomiting on their shoes, the scientist passed out and the two friends found the data in the hobo's tattered jacket while looking for expired hentai coupons. With this discovery Naka and Miyamoto glared at each other, grabbed a random half of the data and became fierce enemies. To this day, tea ceremonies all over Japan are interrupted by the effects of their yelling.

Miyamoto then sent classified documents to a company called Squaresoft which, until that time, made bakery softening agents for brownies and assorted cakes. Squaresoft took the remnants of a combat simulator and named it "Final Fantasy." Unfortunately, Japanese prototype game testers were unable to complete the game without suffering severe concentration induced aneurisms. Hironobu Sakaguchi found a Post-It note with Kolokolov's suggestion and implemented the first save point system to keep his testers from devolving into puddles of tentacle rape aftermath.

Standard Japanese/American save point. Enough room for 7 sweaty, male adventurers. Sexy!

Since that day games have decided to implement several different methods of saving, the oldest and most popular being the save point. A save point is a predetermined area where a player can save a game's progress before greeting the escort at the door. Unlike other, more inferior, save systems such as background saving (Half-Life 2) or instant saving (The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time) save points require gamers to perfect the segments between save point "A" and save point "Over There." This allows gamers to increase their skill through the repetition of extremely difficult and/or tedious areas. Gamers may complain about spending hours upon hours in these trial-and-error style level designs but they really are just being little pansies with no legitimate concerns since recently declassified Soviet data suggests that they were nearly 68% successful at creating a soldier so powerful that it could play any game (adjusted for inflation) without a need to save. This means that any gamer who whines about saving is merely playing right into the hands of the Communist bastards who will use the advantage of their lack of save points to enslave the human race.

Typical Soviet save point. Wanna touch it?

There are not enough sports games per season

Sports games are video games based on the premise that the average gamer is too decrepit to know what a ball is let alone pick one up. Also sports games cater to those casual-style players who buy $300 systems to play one $50 (plus applicable sales tax) game a year. Various video game development companies including EA Sports, where an undefined "It" is in every game, have taken it upon themselves to craft a plethora of these games in order to satisfy this incredible market demand. Even so, many of these games remain unsold and are forced to exist with the knowledge that somewhere, out there is someone who just didn't love it enough to spend $50 and take it home.

This should be the "It" in every EA Sports game.

One popular game within the genre of sports games is called "Madden." This is not actually the name of a game but the name of a series of American football based games where players are indoctrinated into loyal Maddenites via the repetition of John Madden's catchphrases. As such, Madden games have developed something akin to a mainstream cult following and the release dates of the newest installment achieve a war-lust insatiability. Unbeknownst to many, these dates coincide with substantial increases in lunar phenomena which encourage the events to become orgy-filled drug binges and, therefore, cause weather satellites to fall from orbit and crash into cancer-ridden 1800s orphan chimney sweeps because of the "Superman Effect."

To increase the maniacal fervor of the consumers and increase revenue, EA Sports has decided to produce more than one Madden game per season starting in release year 20AB. These games (perfectly titled Madden X.y) will contain monthly updates regarding injuries, team rankings, and, most importantly, stadium attendance without the need to improve upon any gameplay aspects. Furthermore, these games will provide enough revenue for John Madden to conquer the NFL using a football launching Howitzer cannon with optional bayonet attachment while simultaneously causing all video game stores to stock at least one 10 x 50 foot section devoted entirely to the Church of Madden (Est. Next Year).

"Boom! No resale value!"

If this trend created by Madden is successful it is assured that other sports genre developers will follow this trailblazer's lead and release millions upon millions of game discs into the market. This massive influx of merchandise will raise the price of disc materials forcing Nintendo and Sony out of the game design industry. From there, Microsoft founder Bill Gates will euthanize his John Madden puppet and replace the beloved mascot with a catchphrase spewing hologram. Then, he will drink brandy and laugh.

Games need more time limits

Time limits for video games were invented by Shigeru Miyamoto for the game Super Mario Bros. after he drank Absinthe and watched Japanese commercials starring Hulk Hogan for 6 hours. The original idea for time limits was so that gamers had to keep moving instead of letting Mario stand around and fondle his mushrooms. From this point, video game designers, when faced with the decision as to how difficulty should be increased, instituted a policy where time limits should be incorporated.

The original time limits were nothing more than a timer that counted down to your death much like the broken Casio watch you got for your birthday that one year. For example, standing in any pit of water as Sonic the Hedgehog results in the ultimate counter of death which was responsible for a 284% increase in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder among children aged 4-11. Squaresoft decided that attacking enemies without a time limit was passe and, therefore, added a time limit to attack. Time limits then evolved inexplicably to various lines and bars which increase and decrease depending on what you do, sometimes with animations depicting running, dying or genital manipulation.

Sonic the Hedgehog, post-timer, resulted in existential angst for many a teenager.

However, time limits did not truly come into rare form until LucasArts, a company founded by a bearded guy who pictures Ewoks molesting Jar-Jar Binks during sexual intercourse, crafted Rogue Squadron 2: Rogue Leader. This game revolutionized and mastered the concept of time limits to such a degree that every game produced since should be required to lick Rogue Leader's game disc until it understands doctoral-level philosophy courses on timers.

Rogue Leader perfectly executed what shall henceforth be known as "hidden timers." Unlike regular timers, the player has no clue as to how long he/she has to complete a level. The only hints given are Wedge Antilles' commentary about "Getting out of here," or listening to trained military personnel gripe about "taking fire" or "last(ing) much longer." Often, the level will end with little prior notice and gamers will be instructed not to let the Imperials lock down the base or deliver used porn to Hoth while denying the player the satisfaction of murdering everything on radar. In addition, everything in Rogue Leader is attached to a time limit of some sort. Missions typically end because the Imperials destroyed too many of something (usually Rebels).

"Focus all firepower on that mulch! That will stop the Rebels!"

After Rogue Leader was created, the heads of the major developers' design bureaus met for a secret meeting in Bill Gates' partially undersea fortress. After a rousing Monopoly drinking game these elites attempted to finalize a proposal which would ban time limits except in certain circumstances. Fortunately, the Sony representative in charge of the "football" decided to tinkle in an airlock and mistook the "depressurize" button for "flush." With no official charter (and no one with the desire to reprint it) the delegates returned to their drinking and mermaid fondling secure in the knowledge that time limits, in every conceivable incarnation, would be included in every game produced.

Deadly Towers sets precedent for video games

Deadly Towers was released into the unsuspecting world in 1987. However, the actual release day is unknown due to the game itself violating time/space by being released concurrently on 15 separate days over a period of 10 months. As such, this game has caused fissures in reality to open around Alpha Centauri, the Earth to slowly increase in temperature, and Al Qaeda. Even so, Deadly Towers creates the pinnacle of video game achievement.

Much like the way Angelina Jolie creates pinnacles of a different sort.

Deadly Towers set the world ablaze (as well as Chicago in 1871) in a fiery inferno of flame and hatred upon its release. Even so, each Deadly Towers cartridge has been measured to release approximately .43793 to 1.94763 Love Units with every second of game play thereby effectively creating world peace if the game was played en masse. In fact, the United States military considered airlifting Nintendo Entertainment Systems and copies of Deadly Towers into Afghanistan though this plan was scrapped when the cartridges managed to partially summon a Cthulhu-esque extra-dimensional being to our reality.

Deadly Towers is the story of Prince Myer who is tasked with saving his kingdom from Rubas, the Devil of Darkness, and his evil bells. These bells, when rung, summon evil entities from miles around which will then invade the kingdom and play badminton in the town square, a violation punishable by a hefty fine, at least two years mandatory torture, and, ultimately, death by sandpaper. Examples of these fell creatures include: Slinkies, Puddles and Beach Balls. As such, Prince Myer entered Rubas' castle through a conveniently unsecured door and began his adventure. Armed only with a sword and the unique genetic anomaly to launch said sword from his crotch, Myer scaled the towers, stole bells and burned them since fire the only natural predator of the ringing devices. After killing Rubas, Myer set the denizens of the towers loose into the world where they eventually evolved into epileptic luncheon meats.

A non-Japanese-schoolgirl Beach Ball expertly evades Prince Myer's crotch-sword with a perfectly timed bounce.

To describe the gameplay of this masterpiece is to gaze upon the face of Zeus as the brain's over-stimulated neurons rapidly fire from a well placed lightning bolt. As such, it can not be adequately explained and true knowledge can only be obtained through strict empirical data, so play Deadly Towers. However, it can be stated that Deadly Towers boasts a difficulty greater than leading a puppy invasion of Rome through the Alps. Even though the enemies may appear as nothing more than simple children's toys, they are, in fact, merciless and each contains as much evil as that Amityville house. To demonstrate this, the Beach Balls can deal over 50 health points of damage to Price Myer with their blue flesh and Puddles can force Myer to flail wildly backwards, often off a ledge to his death.

Prince Myer bravely advances on a menacing Slinky while Beach Balls, a Bat and Mist plot their attack.

Furthermore, the game features no save points except an intricate and complex password input system more akin to the launch codes on Trident class nuclear submarines. This means that every death requires the player to scan through a detailed record of symbols to advance the game even though the passwords serve only as a reminder of the player's current inventory, Ludder (or the most poorly named currency in video game history - it sounds like a sex act), and health increases. In addition to this, the game is benevolent enough to restart the player at the beginning making absolutely certain that the player gains enough critical Slinky slaying skill in order to advance to the previous location. Locations such as dungeons with more rooms than Paris Hilton's brain cells and entrances as invisible as ninjas doused with Tex Avery brand invisible ink and fairly uniform standard castle areas give the player an experience that would make even Theseus jealous.

She's ready to Ludder all night long.

These factors all combine to make Deadly Towers the epitome of video game advancement, more than 20 years before technological advances enabled our video games to remove entire sectors of the populace from view. In fact, in October 2004, Nintendo, Microsoft and Sony secretly met in Zagreb, Croatia to discuss the lasting impact of Deadly Towers on the history of everything. This was due, in part, to Deadly Towers' spatial distortion effects which could devolve ferrets into pre-ferrets in under 46 hours under optimal laboratory conditions. However, what would be known as the Zagreb Treaty dissolved due to the unexpected appearance of Prince Myer, the true leader of the triumvirate of video game console companies, who declared actions against Deadly Towers to be "an abomination unto gamekind." Myer then shot a short sword from his crotch which impaled the Sony delegate. Since that day, no other meeting was scheduled due to Myer's potential involvement and, as such, Deadly Towers continues to degrade the time/space continuum. Any lasting effects are unknown though it is rumored that Prince Myer will ascend to the Throne of Horrors on December 21, 2012, declare himself sovereign, and enslave the world with his crotch-swords.

Pictured: The future. Not Pictured: Sword rape.