England

England, the land of fish and chips, mild eccentricities, and casual violence.

Just The Facts

  1. The English love a good fight. They even beat themsleves, twice.
  2. They conquered their surrounding countries first (Scotland, Ireland, Wales) before spreading across almost a quarter of the globe.
  3. The national dish is curry. And they are the only country in the world that eats brussel sprouts.

The English, always ready for a scrap.

England, a country that has given the world so many things. Apple pie, football hooliganism (more on that soon), the Protestant Church (sorry about that!),and of course posh tomfoolery!

Despite all of the great gifts that England has given to the rest of the world there is one thing that the english love above everything else, violence.

"Spill my pint will you, you cheeky c**t!

England was first invaded by the Roman Empire around 40 AD, and have been involved in various wars, invasions, and conflicts almost consistently right up until today. Here's just a brief selection of the countries/cultures that England have faught.

The Romans

The Saxons

The Normans (the French)

The Zulu

The French

The Russians

Germany

The French

Spain

Iraq

The French

Argentina

U.S.A

Afghanistan

and The French.

The is a fairly good reason why England likes charging around beating the shit out anything that doesn't have the St. Georges cross slapped on it- THEY NEVER LOSE!

"Any more of your poppycock and I shall be forced to thrash you!"

To date Englend has been involved in dozens of conflicts but has only lost four.

1. Roman Invasion 43 AD. The excuse: Was too busy living in caves and beating each other with logs to notice that the Romans had built an entire culture around them

2. Norman Invasion 1066 AD. The excuse: Wasn't ready for a fight, everyone had dysentery.

3. The English Civil War 1641 AD. The excuse: No-one else fancied a scrap, so we beat the shit out of our monarchy.

4. American Revolution 1776 AD. The excuse: The Colonies, the Dutch, the French and the Spanish all ganged up on us, it was very unsportsman-like.

"You have left me no choice, Marquis of Queensbury rules!!!"

Not only do they love a good scrap, the English also have a habit of picking fights with countries (and sometimes continents) much larger and more powerful than themselves. A good example is World War Two. Germany were bitch-slapping their way across Europe, the French, Polish and Dutch were in pieces, and Stalingrad was a crater. What were the Enlish doing? Getting drunk and singing songs about the Fuhrer's genetalia, all whilst they are getting the shit bombed out of them. One tiny island of alcoholics successfully held off one of the most efficient armies in history for almost five years. The Royal Air Force was out numbered 4-to-1 yet managed to systematically fuck up the German Luftwaffe right up until the Americans arrived in 1944. How'd you like them apples, Adolf?

The Changing Faces of the Englishman (or Woman, I suppose)

The English are the chameleons of the global community, they are always changing there behaviour. Here's the typical English week:

MONDAY - Cricket!

TUESDAY - Level Afghanistan.

WEDNESDAY - Ladies Day at Royal Ascot.

THURSDAY - Queue up for State Benefits.

FRIDAY - DRINK!!! DRINK!!! FIGHT!!! *PUKE* DRINK!!!! CHLAMYDIA!!!

SATURDAY - Football hooligans single-handedly destroy Madrid.

SUNDAY - The Lords day. Roast dinner and "Songs of Praise" on the tv, unless there is an important football match on, in which case combinations of Friday's and Saturday's plans will be implemented.

The many breeds of the English

They come in many forms. If you wish to blend into English society you must be able to blend into one of these groups.

1. The Gent

"...so I punched that ruffian right in his grubby face"

Privately educated and sickeningly rich, the Gents see themselves as the very backbone of english society. Prone to bouts casual sexism and institutionally racist remarks, the Gents show distain for anyone with a regional accent or state education i.e "The Great Unwashed".

2. The Football Hooligan

"I say, the referee is a total wanker!"

His name is Stephen, and he works in I.T. He enjoys period dramas, contemporary jazz and spending time with his children. Except of course on saturdays when he charges around the town centre beating the shit out anyone not wearing his teams colours. With his trusty group of hardcore supporters he lays waste to one bar after another, before finally being taken down by a dozen police in full riot gear. Sundays is his kids football training, and presuming he is out of the drunk-tank, he is ready too school his spawn in the ways of the true football supporter.

"I said chocolate ice-cream you twat!"

3. The Chav

Scourge of the urban expanses, the Chav is the warrior of the underclass. Aged between thirteen and twenty-five, Chavs are there to remind the rest of the English why they should get an education and use contraception. Born wearing tracksuits and knock-off Burberry hats, the male chavs can usually be spotted either hanging around outside MacDonalds, or bombing around on mini-scooters. Female chavs are recogniszable by their overly tight ponytails, pregnant bellies and the multi-ethnic crowd of children being dragged behind them,