TechnoViking

Nobody knows who he is, where he came from, what he does, or even his real name. He is simply TechnoViking. His fierce gaze and demanding point cause passers-by to immediately evacuate their bowels. Some say he is actually Thor.

Just The Facts

  1. TechnoViking is the only person who can kill Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee at the same time
  2. TechnoViking does not dance to the music; the music dances to TechnoViking
  3. TechnoViking is actually Thor, the Norse god of thunder

The Enigma That Is TechnoViking

According to wtf.com, the legend of TechnoViking is as follows:

The history of TechnoViking is not well known, but according to some early TechnoViking scholars, they believe that he arrived on Earth in the early 1200's when a bunch of fisherman near Oslo, Norway found a bearded baby wearing combat boots on a rock near the shore. No one knew where he came from and there were no footprints coming or going from the rock he was found on.

The fishermen did not know what to do with this baby, so they brought him to the pub where he was raised on hardy beer and smoked Norwegian salmon.

The next 600 years or so are undocumented and some may believe that the acts done by TechnoViking have revolutionized the world, and others have gotten credit for his fame. It is also not known when TechnoViking left Norway to go on his global conquest of discrete domination.

Some of these events may include ending the bubonic plague, masking Hitler's death as a suicide, building of the Taj Mahal, discovering logarithms, the writing of Moby Dick, and starred in the first showing of the opera The Flying Dutchman.

Scholars do not know why TechnoViking has made himself publicly known now in the 21st century. But, one thing is here, and he is a force to be reckoned with.

When Did He Appear?

TechnoViking burst onto the scene like a placenta during childbirth during the Fuckparade 2000 (a techno street parade) in Berlin, Germany. Some random guy had a camera on his knee and managed to capture the essence that is TechnoViking for all the world to see.

What Does He Do?

TechnoViking defends the weak. When a girl is shoved by an unruly man, he grabs the man by both arms, gives him the steely-eyed glare of death, and points him away. He stares down passers-by that dare mock the TechnoViking. His amazing glare strikes fear into the heart of all around to the point that people must hand him water bottles upside down. This is done for two reasons:

  • If TechnoViking's reflection is caught in the water, the person handling it will immediately turn to stone
  • TechnoViking's piercing gaze would cause the bottle to explode if he looks straight at it

TechnoViking belittles things that mortals deem "important," such as party invitations and flyers. He rips them to shreds, just like he does the hearts of women.