Like a beautiful woman, who knows you will put up with anything she puts you through just to get your leg over, restaurants know you will put up with any old crap because you are hungry.

A quick guide on where to go

Just The Facts

  1. Restaurants are a direct result of the French Revolution. Yet another reason to hate the French.
  2. All restaurants give the same value for money. None.
  3. Americans refer to MacDonalds as a restaurant. Isn't that sweet.

Types of restaurant

There are many types of restaurant available for the person with cash in their pockets.

Fast food restaurants

Included for completness, the concept of a fast food restaurant is a bone of contention between Europe and the USA. In the USA, a restaurant is simply a place to sit down while eating. In Europe it is a place to sit down while eating actual food.

Even the owners think it is no good

The Local Cafe

Best place to eat cheaply, if you do not mind eating in an atmosphere of steam and rancid fat. We did not say eat well, so please, no complaints about our advice.

Do NOT ask what is in the special sauce

Chain Restaurants

You get a knife and fork with your burger and fries. Otherwise see fast food.

We have no idea why she is in the picture. And really do not care.

Ethnic Restaurants

There are various different cultures which have established restaurants to promote their cuisine, and revenge themselves on the perfidities of the West by being a constant source of food poisoning.

Fortune cookies do so work!

Theme Restaurants

Do you even notice what you are eating?

Think fast food at double the price and that gives you a good idea of what you will get. Still, most of the themes involve sexy waitresses, which is a good thing. Not only nice to look at, but a pleasant distraction from the lukewarm floorsweepings on your plate.

The Family Restaurant

The food quality here is roughly the same as decent home cooking. The family friendly policies of these places ensure your steak is accompanied with both pepper sauce and the screaming and tantrums of other peoples children, as well as your own.

"At least they keep it spotless!" "Um,That's actually the delivery van...."

High End Restaurants

Take a family restaurant, change the menu to French, ban children, train your waiting staff in the arts of invisibility, and quadruple your prices. The customers desperate to get away from children will pay gladly.

Not visible - waiters.

Celebrity restaurants

Hello?? Hi, God? Are you trying to prove you not only exist but hate us too?

You really want them to feed you?

Tricks of the Trade

Like all businesses who want to remove cash from your pocket and put it in their numbered bank accounts, restaurants use tricks to increase both revenue and reputation.



It sells. Get used to it. Mommy can explain to the kids why Daddy needs a bib in Hooters but not at home.

We'll go wherever she is advertising!



Some family restaurants like to put pictures on the walls, to make the place look homey. And to cover up the marks from thrown plates of food. If you are the proud possesor of a five year old with a box of crayons, then yes, it is homey.

High end restaurants use good art and architecture to ensure you will be too damned intimidated to complain about the fact your Kobe beef steak is the size of a sugar cube and costs roughly twice what you are paying your escort for the night.



Putting food on the plate in a pretty way is a sure fire way to gain business. It certainly worked for sushi places. Where else would you pay to eat raw sea bugs.

Would you eat this shit? Yes you do. Enjoy your meal!



Restaurants need you to come in. They bribe food critics, with edible food and plentiful alcohol, to give good reviews. They encourage celebrity chefs to come in and bring their camera crews with them.

Most powerfully of all though, they make it impossible for you to book a table within 6 months of phoning. Like a man's wedding ring to single women, the mere fact that you can't have makes you want it more.