Raged against from every pulpit in the world and greeted with a resounding "meh" from the congregation, the Seven Deadly Sins are a terror for some and a way of life for most.
Did you think we could avoid this one?
Lust is the most desired of the Seven. And the easiest to research.
The Church defines Lust as having a self-absorbed desire for an object, person, or experience, and frequently the root of all evil. Thomas Aquinas, who had such control of his dick that he chased a prostitute his brothers had paid to seduce him away with a flaming stick when he was 19, stuck to the sexual definition. According to him, pretty much any sex act, apart from the married version of straight vanilla (also known as the "not tonight, I have a headache" "thats fine, I don't want to fuck your ear" variety) was the sin of lust.
Fighting your way to the front of the queue for a new release game console? Lust rating 3/10 - technically, but in fact just really sad.
You are staring at some hot babe, thinking "I could totally do that"? Lust rating 8/10 - normal male behavior.
Same sex/ adultery/ yiffing? Lust rating 10/10 - way to raise the bar, especially if you are doing them simultaneously.
Masturbating in the mirror? Lust rating - ick.
Either Fire and Brimstone, or being trapped in a whirlwind. Hey don't blame us, we only report these things. Go chat with Dante if you think that is stupid.
Lust is usually represented by the colour blue - hence blue movies - and, for some completely retarded reason, cows. Ha - as if a two ton bovine would inspire lust. Sheep on the other hand .....
To the Masai she is totally hot
Gluttony is the most common of the Seven, especially in the USA. And the easiest to GIS.
Gluttony is defined as an obsession with food and drink. The word is derived from the Latin gluttire, meaning to swallow (and no - we are not going there - go back and re read the lust section). Funnily enough, the definition of gluttony includes being incredibly fussy about food, as well as needing a sign saying "man working" when you are at the table.
Do you ask for tea and toast at a seven course banquet? Gluttony rating 3/10 - likely to get the crap kicked out of you though.
Do you consider a pair of Baconators to be a light snack? Gluttony rating 7/10 - and congratulations on being an American citizen.
Do your friends fear for their pets when you visit? Gluttony rating 9/10 - you are one seriously sad, food obsessed psychological mess.
Does your arse have its own area code? Gluttony rating 12/10 - Give it a fucking rest! When the ambulance comes in response to your latest heart attack, you'll probably try to eat it..
To lie in a swamp in eternal rain, with Cerberus attacking you when he can. Hmmm - sounds a lot like living in England then.
Gluttony is usually represented by the pig (Duh!) and the colour orange - as the only colour the greedy bastards can eat.
"Fuck you Jack, I'm alright."
Ah, dear old Avarice. The most publicly acceptable of the Seven, at least to the Moral Majority.
Avarice is defined as the desire for material wealth or possessions. Thomas Aquinas (again) stated that: "it is a sin directly against one's neighbor, since one man cannot over-abound in external riches, without another man lacking them... it is a sin against God, just as all mortal sins, inasmuch as man contemns things eternal for the sake of temporal things." So Bill Gates is not a good role model?
Do bank managers actually smile at you? Avarice rating 3/10 - you have much to learn, Grasshopper.
Do you own the bank? Avarice rating 6/10 - we do hope your obscene profits make up for having no friends
Did your last box of chocolates cost you $1.5 million? Avarice rating 15/10 - that is just so fucking retarded!
Rolling boulders around. Say what?
Avarice is usually represented by the colour yellow - for the fear of losing it all - and the frog. What have the bone idle French layabouts got to do with this again?
To him it's just chillin'. To the internet it is funny. To God it's offensive.
Sloth. Laziness. Workshy. Idleness. The most popular of the Seven, especially in Cracked's demographic.
Sloth is defined as the avoidance of physical or spiritual work. Preachers constantly rave about the perils of sloth and the Devil's liking of idle hands. Unfortunately, the people who would benefit from these sermons overslept.
Would you consider Andy Capp a role model if he wasn't so energectic? Sloth rating 4/10 - your work avoidance still needs work.
Are you still awake? Sloth rating 6/10 - nice non-try. You will reach your dream of couch potato in another year.
Are you a World of Warcraft fan? Sloth rating 9/10 - you see that big wooden oblong thing in one wall? It is called a door. Try using it once in a while.
Would you starve if you parents went away for the weekend? Sloth rating 12/10 - learn to use a microwave, and move the fuck out.
Lying down. Thats Alright! Underwater. Oh. In black stinking mud. Eww! With the wrathful stepping all over you. We're gonna find a job
Sloth is represented by the colour light blue - because dark blue is too much trouble to use - and the goat. The frigging Goat??!! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!!! IT SHOULD BE A FUCKING CAT - EVERYONE KNOWS THAT!!!!!!!!!!!
What did you expect? This is the internet.
Wrath, as in a real berserk, red mist rage, is probably the hardest of the Seven for most people, apart from drivers and Internet commenters.
Wrath is defined as forceful and vindictive anger. Even Thomas Aquinas (him again?) claimed that wrath could be justified if it was linked with reason, and only became a sin if it overrode reason. We guess that monks need one acceptable way to vent - and if it good enough for God, it is good enough for them.
Did you write a butthurt comment today? Wrath rating 3/10 - your feeble tantrums are just pathetic.
Did you scream and hit your computer reading a comment response? Wrath rating 6/10 - That was kinda stupid now, wasn't it
Did you write a hugely successful article taking the piss out of internet commenters? Wrath rating 9/10 - Uh, it's only words on a screen from a bunch of jerks.
Did you physically hunt down the guy who ridiculed your post? Wrath rating 12/10 - Dude, what the fuck? Try getting a life!
You get to fight. Eternally. On the bright side, you do get to stamp on those slothful bastards.
Wrath is represented by the colour red (now there's a surprise) and the bear. Why are we not all speaking Russian by now then? We can't trust them not to kick off the big one, they are all wrathfull, and Commies and they want our way of life!
These two have made more money than you ever will.
We Cracked writers find it hard to comment on this sin, being more used to being envied than envying.
Envy is defined as the desire for another's looks, posessions or lifestyle. Thomas Aquinas (does that guy never shut up?) says of envy "Charity rejoices in our neighbor's good, while envy grieves over it." Yeah, OK, whatever. He is just jealous - we are internet comedy writers and he's a dead monk.
Do you really wish you had written this? Envy rating 4/10 - don't sit on your arse grumbling that you could do better, sign up and prove it.
Have you ever had plastic surgery done to look better than your friends? Envy rating 7/10 - not a bad attempt, but check you are actually being envious rather than just gullible.
Have you ever paid for acid surgery on others to deteriorate their looks? Envy rating 10/10 - OK, the freezer awaits for you.
Have you ever murdered someone and stolen their life? Envy rating 14/10 - way to overachieve! And way to copy a classic.
Dante dropped the ball on this one, failing to reserve a place in hell for the Envious. Closest we have is the Ninth Circle of Hell, where you'll be frozen in ice for eternity. Sorry, mate, you really should have booked earlier.
Envy is represented by the colour green - now there's a surprise - and the dog. Why are we not surprised? Bloody dogs - watching everything you eat. And dog owners, don't get us started about those smug bastards walking their shitting machines.
Give us a break, the movie was called Pride. We didn't watch it, but it probably relates to the subject.
Pride. We all feel it when we do something amazing. Hell, most of the time we feel it when we manage to get dressed correctly on the second attempt.
Pride is defined as the excessive belief in ones own abilities. Thomas Aquinas (for fucks sake - he is as annoying and obnoxious as a 13th Century Trekkie) claimed that pride is the father of all sins. That makes sense to us. If you are good at something, you are cocky, if you just think you are you are a cock.
Do you boast about anything you are secretly not too good at? Pride rating 4/10 - you are human and full of shit.
Do you constantly drop into conversation that you are a level 70 hunter? Pride rating 6/10 - would be higher but, come on man, a freaking hunter?
Do you go around shirtless from May to August to show of your well trained body? Pride rating 5-9/10 - depends on where you live. Miami = 5, the UK = 7, a former Soviet republic = 9.
Do you phone your friends Paris and Lindsay loudly at every public opportunity? Pride rating 12/10 - twat.
Dante again failed to mention this, possibly due to being so proud of his writing that he put the popes in hell. At the time, that was a dick move comparable to giving Mike Tyson PCP then calling him a pussy. However, we have found references to the Prideful being broken on the wheel - possibly dictated by the pope on reading the Divine Comedy.
Pride is represented by the colour violet (as one shade off the regal colour of purple) and the horse. No arguement there.
The Seven Deadly Sins are not only well represented in popular culture, they are popular culture.
There are a few things that warrant a shout out though.
Se7en - the comic
Written in 2006 as an appropriately 7 issue mini series, released by Zenescope Entertainment. To be honest, we initially thought they were an undiscovered section of Rorschach's diaries, but they are in fact based on the film.
Se7en - the film
Shortly after the commercial success of The Ten Commandments (forty years after) Hollywood realized that there could be a market for movies based on religious lists and adapted the second most popular list into a movie. The list was the seven deadly sins, and the result was David Fincher's Se7en. It follows two detectives hunt for a crazed killer bent on killing one comitter of each sin. So it's a little like a Friday the 13th movie, except the only sin comitted isn't lust, and also it's good. So not at all like Friday the 13th then really.
Sin related art:
These pictures are pretty awesome, made by Dan Lyderson. In fact they are so awesome, we are not even going to joke about them.