Love Actually

Love Actually is an ensemble movie that teaches you everything you ever wanted or didn't want to know about love.

Just The Facts

  1. This is a movie engineered by British scientists to engage America in unlimited repopulating efforts.
  2. It has scores of loosely tied together sideplots.
  3. It stars nearly every British actor working today.
  4. Its actually really depressing
  5. But it will get you laid!

Billy Nighy as Not Evil

It begins with the Squidman from Pirates of the Carribean as a washed up rockstar attempting to regain his former glory. This was the movie that pushed Bill Nighy into the collective conciousness of the American populace. No matter what unspeakably evil characters he has played since then; be they Vampire, Nazi, or Pirate fish Zombie, this will be his legacy.

Love is all around us
Love is all around us!

He is assisted in this comeback by his manager Joe, and the plan to recovery involves unbelievably terrible songwriting and septagenarian nudity.

Spoiler: It works! And the Rockstar celebrates alone with his manager with a bottle of wine and porn while all of Britain plays his terribly rewritten song.

Hugh Grant: Defender of the Free World

In some of the more bizarre alternate history fiction since Guns of the South, we find that following the term of Tony Blair, the British decide to elect Hugh Grant to the highest office in the land.

Rule Brittania

Predictably he immediately falls for the first gil he sees, nearly starts war with Billy Bob Thorton's Bush/Cinton amalgm, and hooks up in front of dozens of small children. Luckily real British Leadership is nowhere near as incompetent.

Laura Linney nearly ruins the movie

Laura Linney wants sweet Office Action

In perhaps the least believable story of the film, we find Laura Linney as the object of desire for this:

This leads to the eventual love scene between the frumpy american and the underwear model, but somehow she cockblocks herself when her brother calls. He suffers from an unexplained disorder that makes him want to see Bon Jovi and hit Laura Linney.

She responds with soul piercing Gollum eyes, and creepy incestual overtones.

[image of her]

Thankfully the movie realizes its supposed to be about love, not terror and leaves this storyline in the dust.

Her former love interest is also never mentioned again, but we can all assume that he took being dumped by Laura Linney well eno-

Then again, maybe not.

Liam Neeson and the little Drummer Boy

We meet Liam Neeson right after his wife dies, because you know, romantic comedy.

He discovers that his young stepson is depressed and the reason is because he is hopelessly in love. In order to win her heart, the boy decides to learn to play the drums.


So many months pass, and the talent show arises. The young Boy's love interest performs a routine inspired by Vladimir Nabokov, and brings down the house. What follows is a mad chase to the airport as Mini-Neeson tries to tell her he loves her before she leaves for America. Somehow he bypasses post 9/11 security measures thanks to aforementioned Bill Nighy and gets a kiss from the object of his affection.

Thankfully the following tazer scene was edited out

Liam Neeson is rewarded for his patience with Claudia Schiffer. Love!

Love in Any Language

In which Colin Firth discovers his brother plowing his wife. He responds by going to an isolated Cabin to work on murder novels. He only finds solace in the naive Portugeuse housekeeper sent to serve him. Slowly he becomes obsessed with this woman, culminating in him abandoning his family on christmas and stalking her across the continent to have her.

Love... actually.

This is the sweetest and most romantic subplot in the entire movie.

Sponsored by the Wisconsin Tourism Brureau

A horny rube comes to the conclusion that the only reason he isn't getting laid is due to him being in Britain. So he sells his home, buys a lot of condoms, and flies to Wisconsin. Because, you know... Love!

Somehow this happens:

He proceeds to melt half of the Wisconsin annual snowfall only to become bored and moves on to Denise Richards and Shannon Elizabeth.

The collective dumbfounded jealousy has ensured this actor never substantially worked in this country again. And Wisconsin has enjoyed a steady increase in winter tourism since 2003. Lucky Bastard.

Keira Knightley and the other two.

We begin with Keira Knightley marrying the impossible to spell Chiwetel Ejiofor, but a wrench is thrown into the mix due to no decent footage being captured. This convenietly leads Keira to the best man's home and she discovers that he filmed her wedding American Beauty style. His secret love of Keira discovered, the outed best man decides that rather than moving on with his life, he will set up a primitive powerpoint demonstration to explain his feelings.

Looks like your trying to ruin a lifelong friendship...

Rather than slamming the door in his face, or calling to her husband to beat the crap out of him, this powerpoint somehow works. She runs after him and give him an impassioned kiss. this apparently makes him an honorary member of the marraige, because during the final scene they all stand awkwardly together in the airport.

Once again, this doesn't exactly sit well with the movie's theme of "Love" as it involves a man betraying his best friend for the woman that has come between them. On one hand this is cometely unforgivable.

On the other.

Alan Rickman and the bug eyed Secretary

And the Rest!

So what have we learned?


Whether we like it or not, "Love" actually, is all around us.