Car Owners

Owning a car is part of the American dream. And owning an American car is part of the dreamiest American Dream ever dreamed, even if that dream is in bankruptcy. It’s time to live the smog forming, traffic riddled, deadly accident causing dream!

average commute to work

Just The Facts

  1. Car owners are more wealthy (better) than people who use alternative methods of transportation, with the exception of those who use: private jets, private trains, or private gundam suits.
  2. Car owners are partly responsible for all the wonderful new changes happening to the environment. No one likes spring or fall and car owners are integral in eliminating those two vile seasons. We can all agree that concrete and superhighways are far more beautiful than cheap superficial nature
  3. It is statistically likely that the middle finger of the average American motorist is strong enough to crush coal into diamonds*. (Diamonds is slang for smaller pieces of coal)

Owning a car: A brief and muddled guide.

I have been a car owner since I was the human equivalent of a child. My Power Wheels jeep was far superior to the bikes and skateboards my "friends" would use to get to the candy shop (candy shop was the term we used for drug dealer). Sure it was much slower while simultaneously preventing me from overcoming my childhood obesity, but my power wheels meant something. It meant that I was better then them. Having the ability to press your foot down to move your entire body was more civilized than pressing both feet down harder to move your entire body and walk to your destination. My noble obsession with taking the easy way in life had begun.

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Historically speaking, I come from a long line of car owners. Car ownership is so ingrained in my DNA that I am compelled to spit flem filled loogies at any and all pedestrians as I cruise (while laughing and pointing) by. My ancestry can be traced back to the Mesopotamian civilization colloquially referred to as Bedrock. It was there, in that early metropolis that my ancestors sold their only car to some jerk-off in an orange shirt and blue tie. They watched in horror as the upholstery of their prized foot mobile was ruined by an autistic pet dinosaur and the car's body was permanently disfigured by a ludicrously oversized rack of ribs. After that fateful incident, my family made a vow to never be car-less again.

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Fast forward to the present and car owners are everywhere. Working in every aspect of modern society (except the low income areas) they prevent America and the rest of the world from falling into the dark abyss that is exercise an environmental equilibrium.

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Buying a car is a big decision that should not be taken lightly. My decision to buy my 1988 Honda Civic was a tough one. It came down to a decision between the Civic and a brand new Mercedes Benz S-Class. Some people think that my decision was monetarily based; I can assure you that this is not the case. While I could easily afford the Benz and it most certainly would have gotten me infinitely more respect and tail, I decided to purchase the Civic for one reason, and one reason only. This reason is not based on my wealth, it is a reason that only the most enlightened car owners would understand. This reason does not need an explanation, all you need to know is that it wasn't based on money.
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After you purchase a car it is important to learn the rules of the road. The Department of Motor Vehicles will undoubtedly try to brainwash you with their books on "laws" and "rules". Pay no attention to their attempts to make you a zombie-like conformist, most employees of the DMV take the bus to work and can not comprehend the joys of speeding, tailgating, double parking, and vehicular manslaughter. Now that you own a car you are better than the non-drivers among us and they can't tell two tons of momentum infused steal what to do. Here are a few suggested rules that you should keep in mind as you break them. 'Keep right pass left.' This is a big one. If you are like me and you feel the need to have the pedal to the floor on all occasions; nothing chaps your ass quite like an Old Geezer or Asian person taking there sweet time in the passing (aka fast) lane (You would think Asians would be a little more speed liberal, with all that kung fu fighting and fast-as-lightning kicks that are inherit to their culture) If you are not traveling at 40mph above the posted speed limit, STAY OUT OF THE LEFT LANE. Other rules include, don't eat meat on Fridays and always bet on black. These are the only rules that are worth mentioning.
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Now that you are behind the wheel, and wise to the DMV's campaign of misinformation, it is important to pick a driving style that suits you. Generally, there are two types of driving styles: Offensive and Aggressively Offensive. I identify with the latter. To make this style your own you need to be one with your vehicle. Cars are like women, so you may need a few drinks to get the chemistry flowing. After that you may notice a swelled feeling of confidence that only occurs when two souls become one. Following your realization of this feeling, you will recognize another feeling that often accompanies mechanical oneness. That feeling is fear. Fear is inherent to all driving situations. Questions like: "Is it safe to go 80mph in a school zone?" and "Was that a cat or a child that I just clipped with my bumper?" may creep into your mind. These questions are like all illogical questions: unanswerable and unwarranted. It is imperative to remove all fear from your mind when you get behind the wheel. No one can stop you on the road anyway. Police are your friend and they are usually far too busy with real crimes to pull you over. If you do notice a cop in your rear view, just give him the old one-finger salute and he will be so amused by your care free attitude he will leave you alone. Another fear that may arise is the fear of death. This is a totally unsubstantiated fear. It is true that thousands of people die in car accidents every year, but you must keep one fact in mind at all times: YOU WILL NEVER DIE. EVER. Just remember this one simple fact and you and your lead foot will be at you destination in no time. Unless your mechanical oneness is broken by an unfortunate breakdown.
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Vehicle maintenance is an important part of car ownership. In order to set your pussy magnet to stun, you must keep your POS in top condition. Maintaining a car is like maintaining a family, you need to check on it at least once every four months for it to work properly. Pop the hood and poke around, does anything look funny to you? It all looks funny? You don't know how an engine works? That's Fine. As long as there is no car blood (oil) or car vaginal secretions (anti-freeze) leaking out of the car ass (undercarriage), you are road ready. Pay no attention to thick clouds of black smoke coming from under the hood as these are just a reminder to mother nature as to who the boss is.
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Now that you are free from the shackles of good health and a car payment free lifestyle, the world is yours for the taking. Just remember that all pedestrians are either too stupid or too poor to own a car and they are lucky to be jumping out of your way. You are now among the ranks of famous car owners like James Dean and Princess Diana, so act accordingly. Now get out there and burn some rubber or crack, or whatever your deal is.
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PS. An important part of car ownership is having the ability to communicate with other motorists. So the proper time to give an "Irish Hello" or "The Finger" is worth mentioning. There are only two forms of communication while driving: the polite wave and showing your middle finger. While most people agree the polite wave is the pussies' alternative to flooring the gas pedal, "the finger" is a more misunderstood hand gesture. The finger is used in 97% of all on road discussions. The only question you should ask yourself before administering a heaping helping of the tall boy is: can this person best me in a physical altercation? If the answer to that question is no, then by all means let that digit fly!
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Good Day.