Criss Angel

In the new millenium a curly eye browed weirdo with a smug smile, flinging his hands about to & fro, while overacting as he performs ridiculous feats isn't as interesting as it once was. That’s why new Nic Cage films fail. The same goes for magic.

Just The Facts

  1. Criss Angel is Roger the alien's (American Dad!) favourite stunt magician.
  2. This is because he performs crazy magic stunts.
  3. But he's no ordinary magician - he's too modern day for that.
  4. He is actually a mind freak.
  5. A mind freak isn't actually anything at all.

Michael Moore Looks Like The Grandma From DINOSAURS When He Shaves.

Unfortunately, with the 21st century came a new audience of self-harming oil-faced emos. Somebody had to revamp magic, and re-kindle this art for a whole new group of googly eyed, "daddy-never-loved-me" masses. So hell opened up and spewed forth- Criss Angel "Mind Freak".

Before I get started I should mention that one day there WILL BE an offical definition for "Mind Freak" and I'm sure that will be "egotistical wanker". But as of right now it is simply an occupation title invented by Criss Angel. I don't know what he fills out on his tax form as his occupation but I guess being a mind freak means you can just wave your hand in a Jedi like manner to the tax man and be done with paying your taxes. Simply floating away cackling with joy that you really are not a mere mortal and have no time for paying taxes.


HA HA HA HA! TAXES!? WHAT TAXES!? HA HA HA!

I could write a ridiculously long list of reasons why Criss Angel is pathetic. But here are just a few:

1. Criss Angel supposedly has magic powers. Criss Angel is also a rich bastard. So the guy has access to MAGIC and shit loads of MONEY, yet the fucker can't master spelling his name right!? He could at least enrol in some kind of extra-curricular vocational study in English or just conjour up some crazy signature stamp spell instead of having to write his name. Come on, you can't tell me his mum named him CRISS. *puts on deep woman's voice* "Ohw he's a special one isn't he, I'll call him Criss, because he's a unique puffy nosed snowflake. Hey there little Criss... Criss Angel. He's going to be a soccer player I just know... no, no.. he's going to be a mind freak... that's what he's going to be! My little mind freak, Criss Angel." But in a moment of seriousness (if serious and Criss Angel could ever be associated with one another), it must be said that Angel's real name is Christopher Nicholas Sarantakos. Obviously alot easier to pronounce and check that shit, it's even spelt right. Well I can only assume it is, as I'm not greek and Angel/Sarantakos is. *punches baby Criss Angel*.

2. Criss Angel can't dress for shit, which means he is so fucking confident, that he BELIEVES he looks fantastic in any old shit he wears. This is not a positive people. This is why Criss Angel pulls the women. Because he's an ego-inflated dead headed shit for brains who doesn't think twice about what he has to say or how he looks. "HEY FUCK YOU BUDDY! I SAY AND DO WHAT I WANT! I'M CRISS FUCKING ANGEL!". *punches Criss Angel*

3. Criss Angel is Criss Angel. *punches the vibe of Criss Angel*

Criss Angel is the modern day "master of illusion". Yes sir, MASTER of illusion, in that he successfully pulls off the illusion of sex appeal to thousands of mindless, copulation starved women on a daily basis. But really, I'm being biased, because I hate Criss Angel. Look here, how can this guy NOT be the god of sex to all women:

CRISS ANGEL - MIND FREAK - SEX GOD - ASSHOLE
OOZING COOLNESS...

I only wish I could have uploaded every photo of Criss Angel I could find. Only because finding stupid looking pictures of Criss Angel is like finding pictures of Michael Jackson not looking like a black person. There's an abundance on the amazing World Wide Web because basically, just as Michael Jackson was white for most of his career, Criss Angel has been stupid for all of his career!

I realise I'm in no position to judge Criss Angel, I am a mere civil engineer, contributing to real life scenarios of road design and waste water management inbetween 3 hour sessions of "cyberslacking". Far be it my position to sit and judge a man who earns millions of dollars for spending copious amounts of time "perfecting" his beauty... oh I mean... illusions and womanising the entire female population of Earth. I know you touched my woman Criss Angel! "But I've seen him perform some amazing stunts!" I hear you retort. I've seen these "stunts" too, which is exactly all they are, fucking stunts. Does he always perform these stupid stunts in rural areas where people are exposed to some type of lead poisoning? It seems as though this is the case as you notice every single person observing the "magic", if not a horny woman wanting to wash their clothes on Angel's stomach, is an extremely slack jawed redneck. "HYUCK! LOOK AT DEM DERE FERNY THINGS THAT IS HAPPENIN!".

Another amusing part of Angel's television show to observe is the constant repeated shots of Criss's family and friends, hell even just the onlookers, expressing their dislike for the situation. They're all very concerned and scared at the outcome of his next stunt. Even some of the guys who helped him set up the stunt are concerned. Which means they have most likely not done their job properly, alas Angel isn't dead yet so they didn't fuck up quite enough. Maybe next time.

It's a cheap ploy, that and the tacky deadly sounding music. Yes, Christopher, we're aware you're burying yourself alive. We're also aware of the way in which breathing works, eg. needing oxygen to do it. This makes us double aware that you may be posing a risk to your health.

But really, we need not worry. If there was any real risk to Angel's health there would be hundreds of lawyers flocking the scene, ensuring Angel doesn't hurt his million-dollar ass. So just cut it with the dramatics already Criss and either do the stunt or fucking die.


DO IT YOU FUCKING FANCY PANTS!

Criss WOULD have you believe he is also a musician. Here are the lyrics from one of his magic (ho,ho) songs-

WHY ME

Now
I'm alone in the dark
With the lights turned on
Where no one knows me
Now
I wear my mask
To see who I am
But I don't know me

I don't wanna be here
(for breaking' me down)
I just don't wanna be anymore...no

Hey you
Why Me again
Hey you
Wish I could be someone else

(Truth, Truth, Truth)
The truth is hard to face
Yeah, when it stares you down

Hey you
Hey you
Why Me
(Please, please, please, please)

God, please tell me why
I'm lost inside
Where can I find me
I've lost the will to see
I've lost the will to be
It's always the same, the same
this time

I don't wanna be here
(for breaking' me down)
I just don't wanna be anymore...no

Hey you
Why Me again
Hey you
Wish I could be someone else

(Truth, Truth, Truth)
The truth is hard to face
Yeah, when it stares you down

Hey you
Hey you
Why (hey you) Me
Hey you
Why Me

I don't
wanna be
anymore.

Now that you've scraped your jaw off the ground due to the abundance of awe that song has filled you with, let's discuss the revalations this song has brought to us. After studying these lyrics it's clear to see Criss Angel is a button nosed 40 year old emo. After reading this song, Jonathan Davis (singer of rock band Korn) looks like a tough bastard who hates whinging about his life. I noticed the lyrics at the start, "I'm alone in the dark, with the lights turned on", which implies to me that Criss Angel is not privvy to the principle of light and it's purpose. The lyric, "HEY YOU!", is genius. Who are you heying, Criss? What the fuck is this song about!? WHY ARE YOU SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT!? *bites into Angel's skull to feast on his brains which turns out to be an extremely small meal* Evidently, the whole song discloses to the world that Criss Angel is as dumb as he appears.

Criss should stick to his magi-... I mean stunts and stay away from being a rock star. Although let's face it, the day Criss sprouted a few little hairs from his balls he wanted to be a rock star because he clearly has an over-enthused fetish for bling, slutty women, attention, money and being cool.

I do enjoy Angel's stunts from time to time. Unfortunately each time I'm let down at the end. Just when I truly start to believe Criss Angel has been destroyed and dismembered in some way by one of his stunts gone wrong, he then appears with his smug fucking smile, screaming righteously, "I am... Criss Angel" *bows*. Yep, it's a tough job, but somebody had to be Criss Angel, and what better a jerk to fill those shoes other than Criss Angel. Erm...

I realise the whole article is just a shit slinging in Angel's direction, but I'm sure his ego will remain undefeated. He's too tough to be hurt by my badly written words. He's so fucking tough he starts fights with Perez Hilton. Yep, what a douche.

Cool stunts though Criss, your bike is awesome too. Just make sure you turn the lights off so you can see when you're out riding it late at night.

I'm going to end this Criss Angel topic with a photo of Michael Moore looking like the Grandma from the awesome 90s show - DINOSAURS.


YES!