Gerard Butler

We at CRACKED believe that the man we now recognize as "Gerard Butler" is secretly a time-traveling Scottish warrior, sent from the past...or from the future...or from both...we don't really understand time travel.

Butler, in his semi-threatening, actor disguise

Just The Facts

  1. Gerard Butler is a time-traveling Scottish warrior.
  2. Gerard Butler could potentially overthrow the entire human race. Single-handedly.
  3. Gerard Butler is likely to kick your ancestors into an endless pit hundreds of years before you are born, instead of actually bothering with you.
  4. Gerard Butler is probably right behind you, ready to kick your ass in the past, present, and/or future.


We are unsure when Butler is from, let alone the where. Time travel is confusing as shit, and makes about as much sense as an LSD trip(not that we would know). We have reason to believe Butler is simultaneously from the past and future, and frequents "our" time to tell of his badassery throughout the ages in the form of "films", which we have reason to believe are actually documentaries.

As An Actor

Butler has been in many "films" throughout our generation, starring in almost 30 movies since the late '90's. Although everyone recognizes these as "films", we have reason to believe otherwise. It is entirely likely that these are actually documentaries of Butler's real life, as we mentioned earlier. Though he would never admit to this, that is only because of the whole "time paradox thing" which would probably destroy entire universes, and/or time periods. Note to all of those who are reading this: WATCH-THE-FUCK-OUT FOR THIS! Although he has yet to commit such a badass act, no one can really tell him otherwise. His "acting" roles are not important, however, so let us move onto...

As The Time-Traveling Badass

Butler has just played a minor part in the development of the world, claiming such aliases as: "Count Dracula"(we have no idea who this is.); "Atilla the Hun"(he was related to "Jabba the Hun", right?); "The Phantom"; "Beowulf"(did he nail Angelina Jolie? Maybe she is also a time-traveler...more on this later.); "King Leonidas"; and something referred to as a "Slayer"(we don't even want to know what this one means...we just know not to fuck with someone who has that title.).

Look, we don't know who Butler is, and better yet, we don't know when/where he is from. But with a track record like what we just reviewed, STAY THE HELL OUT OF HIS WAY. He is a man who is not afraid to kick ass throughout time and space, in whatever scenario imaginable. Seriously, just turn around and run away. He probably already knows that you're reading this.